ximilialog | Feb Log

No, you wouldn't. Nobody would, if certain things were that easy to make peace with.

[ That, and that selfish part of him again kicks in, glad for that. He wouldn't know Blue otherwise, wouldn't be ... sitting where he is now with these feelings that both still intimidate him and have such a hold on him that the idea of them having never existed is something he greatly dislikes considering.

And that sort of selfishness is regrettable in its own way, isn't it? Because he's not happy that Blue wasn't able to make that sort of peace with what he did. Those sorts of conflicting feelings are never fun to allow to stew in one's mind for too long, because they never seem to have an end. Sorry for the overthinking, Blue.

Yzak gives a small shrug of his shoulder after that. ]

In either case, I was just curious. [ And glad, that he shared it. ] I get exactly why you feel like shit about it, but it's not like I'd be in any position to judge even if I wanted to. Which I don't.

No... [he gives Yzak a wan smile, eyes crinkling a bit.] I can be judge enough. Just as you are for your own sake.

[ It's true. Even if all the same, Yzak can't help but hope that the self-judgment isn't too bad for Blue. That always ends up being the case when it comes to judging oneself. Even he's self aware enough to know that. But ... that's also why these kinds of connections are all the more important to have, to ensure that you hold onto one another (his hand unconsciously squeezes ever so slightly) and not let each other get swept up in that whirlpool of guilt if it starts to rage too strongly. ]

So, what about now? It sounds like you're second guessing why you've come.

[his head shakes a little as his expression sobers, gaze drifting yet again.]

Rather... Whether or not this path...is the right one to take. We're seeing the consequences of making bargains with these forces unfolding...right before our eyes, Yzak...

We already knew...we were being used...but I don't think the 'rewards' we hope for...will be at all what we should be reaching for.

Maybe not.

[ Yzak can probably think of a million ways something could fuck up worse from what he's trying to change if he really sat down and tried. And it's not that he hasn't on a quiet night where he couldn't sleep. Though ... he feels he may lack something others might when it comes to thinking too hard on the consequences, the potential changes - in Blue's case, a complete erasure of finding the person he passed his mission and his title on to. What Yzak is aiming to change happened recently enough that the domino effect of it wouldn't seem as grand, wouldn't have as many harrowing, timeline-changing possibilities.

At least, it doesn't seem that way. And that's why he doesn't have as many reservations when it comes to the regret itself. But he does have a ton about everything else. ]

I know I've said it plenty of times before, but I'm never against changing the path I'm on if I realize it was the wrong one to take. Whether that means simply stepping off of it into the unknown to search for a different one, or carving a new one out myself, I'd do whatever is necessary to correct myself.

I question it, too. With every mission we go on. Talking to that Commander and being unable to tell whether or not he's trustworthy. Learning more about how these orbs act...

However, I don't have a clear answer, yet, as to what I should do. What we should do. What it is we should be reaching for. I still ... hope there is a way to change what I'm here to change that doesn't have the sort of fucked up consequences like what we just had to see. But, I don't like this, either.

[here is where Physis is most needed, where Blue aches for her the greatest. with or without answers, her presence was a patience, understanding boon that helped him readjust the burdens weighing on his heart, to remind him that hope is still present - in him, in others.

here now is Yzak affirming to the presence of hope - in him, in others.

quieter:] That's right... It's not wrong...to hope for that.

Of course it's not! [ As if trying to drill that part in. For himself, too, honestly. ] It's not just myself and my people that I'm trying to help that I'd like to do right by in that way, either. But all of you, too.

[ Though at that, Yzak leans back some in his seat, letting out a grumbled little sigh. ]

It'd be really fucking nice to get some clearer answers one way or the other sometime soon, though...!

[Yzak leaning back does a little to separate their hands, and Blue's fingers twitch because of it. it prompts him to look back over, back at their hands, before he recognizes the needle and tube in his own. he follows the trail of it up, lingering on the equipment before he looks away again.

sometime soon... yes, Blue hopes so. there doesn't feel like a whole lot of time to wait to get those answers on his part.

he looks back to Yzak, somber and thoughtful.]

...Thank you. For waiting for me. I'm glad you're here.

[ His own attention is still very much on Blue, so his own gaze follows where his goes when he seems to really take in those immediate surroundings. Doing that causes Yzak to feel a small, tight squeeze to his own heart, before he looks back at him as those words do the same thing for an entirely different reason. ]

It's fine. As long as you—

[ ...'re okay? Alive? He wasn't ... either of those things before. Now it's his turn for his fingers to twitch as those images from the mission flash through his mind again, with the echoes of those feelings of dread, of shock, of the sudden, cold emptiness that stabbed through him. And he's seen Sabriel go into Death before, he knows what it looks like, the way that chilled mist circles and settles on her.

Blue is okay now, but if Sabriel hadn't been close? His own desperate casting couldn't even do anything to buy time.

...

He grimaces. ]

I should have spotted that son of a bitch.

[catching that pain is easy, even without the psionics. but it's the image of Sabriel, seeing himself outside of himself that is more chilling.

it was...really bad, wasn't it. with how fast things were moving, he really didn't have the chance to realize it.

he swallows.]

And my...barrier should've caught those shots. But either way...it's done. And we're here.

[alive. still.]

[ Yzak hadn't, either, in those moments, because he had no other choice but to move. That's one plus(?) to Blue needing to rest all this time, he wasn't around when all of that caught up with him later.

He's silent after that, because Blue's barrier was focused on other things at the time! That's how Yzak is, though - that sort of guilt is why he's here on the Ximilia so he feels it too easily when it comes to matters of those he cares about. The same reasons that swirl around in his head now about this are the ones he has about his regret (it was a matter of moments. if they'd launched seconds earlier. if he'd shot a couple more times. if he'd seen something even the slightest bit sooner). But Blue is right, it's done and he's alive, even if Sabriel is having a hard time dealing with what had to be done. And despite it all Yzak's glad for it. It's such an odd mix of emotions to have, the guilt and the relief and the urge to grab Blue but he can't right now because, look at him, ]

... Yeah.

[ He offers that, somewhat weakly, before realizing he hates the way that sounded and tries to shake it off. ]

I'm likewise relieved that you were only out for a couple of days! Considering how long you said you've had to rest and recover from things before. [ Like, you know, 15 years. ] So I didn't have to wait long ... it's not like I sat here the whole time, anyway. I mean, not that I didn't come by at all because I did—!

[being able to sense that conflict might be a little cruel on Yzak's part - there's no escape from those feelings when someone else can so readily perceive them, right? but Blue's glad he can, because were he to only sense guilt and frustration, this would be a truly miserable time indeed.

it's also nice to know there is a distinctly mutual want to draw near.

as Yzak riles himself up with that bit of bluster, Blue smiles, his chest aching with endearment.]

...Yes. And your timing was good, apparently. [good job Yzak very cool]

[ He'll make up for that want by shifting to properly rejoin their hands and curl his fingers to keep that hold. A good compromise, for now. (especially because he straight up doesn't know if he'd be able to do anything else in the infirmary around other people anyway like woah nelly holding hands is a lot by itself if it is perceived!) ]

Of course it was! [ There's both an air of 'duh' and 'nice to have good timing at some point after everything that just happened'. ]

I did have to go make sure Athrun wasn't letting his stupid head go around in circles, too. That guy hasn't had the greatest time, either. And the holiday that just passed yesterday isn't exactly an enjoyable one for him. Much less so compared to myself and the rest of our people.

[Blue's fingers grip back almost greedily for that contact, utterly disinterested in entertaining worries about being perceived by others; as far as he's concerned, they're the only two present.

...that might be a bad sign, in hindsight - not being able to perceive others so nearby, that is.

that bolster of comfort is short-lived, it seems:] ...Holiday? [he frowns.]

[ Yzak is here to make up for any lack of PDA perception awkwardness Blue has. Though right now he's tired enough, relieved enough to see Blue awake that he doesn't have the extra energy to care too much either. Not when that energy can be better focused on the way he feels Blue clutch his hand back, since Yzak sure vibes with that near-greedy feeling for it. (as much as the feeling is joined by a vaguely familiar one, like he's soon approaching a place on this path he's walking that he won't be able to turn back from - like another door awaits him, already opened and he just has to decide if he wants to go through it) ]

Yeah. [ His mouth twists a little. ] Another Earth one. If Viveca hadn't mentioned it when we returned, I doubt many would have remembered, considering.

Valentine's Day. Traditionally something for couples. Lovers. There's a history to it that isn't quite as pretty, but through the years it's turned into a general celebration of romance. [ Of course as he explains that he is 100% going pink because explaining it comes with the feeling of it would have at least felt better! For him! If Blue was awake for it! You know! For reasons! But it's brief, because: ]

Coordinators celebrate it, too. But ... in the last few years, it's become more of a painful anniversary date than anything.

[while Blue's heart may skip at the notion of couples and lovers almost in tandem with the way Yzak colors, his expression sobers at the topic does.]

...What happened? If I may ask.

[he meant what he'd told him: he wants to know Yzak, know his triumphs and losses; this is not a fair-weather bond here.]

You can ask whatever you want. [ And while he usually follows that up with something smart, like 'but I don't need to answer', that probably wouldn't apply to Blue. Of course, this is coming from a nosy-ass who asks things sometimes too much himself. ]

Back when the Earth Forces first officially declared war on us, they followed up nearly immediately by firing a nuclear weapon and destroying one of our PLANTs. Junius Seven. It was called the Bloody Valentine since happened on February 14th, Valentine's Day. And the incident is what inspired many of us, myself included, to join the military.

Roughly a quarter of a million people live on each PLANT, so that's how many died, then. And, [ He looks off toward the infirmary's door, thinking of Athrun, expression softening a bit and feeling for him - because he feels all too strongly that same bond with his own mother than Athrun did with his. If Yzak ever lost her ... she's all he has as family, despite the occasional strain between them. ] Athrun's mother was there, too.

[a quarter of a million...

Blue's eyes close, brow furrowed in a pained expression, and he gently squeezes at Yzak's hand. that doubly-personal pang in mentioning Athrun's loss ensures the sting is more substantial than just a number and a notion, and Blue sits with that for a few beats]

...I'm sorry. [he looks back over.] I know...there is nothing that can be said beyond that.

Maybe not, but it's still appreciated. [ Even though it isn't as personal for him ... what happened much later with the remains of Junius Seven as well as the worse destruction done to even more PLANTs is. Still, the date isn't exactly a great one - even if Blue was awake for it, it would have only staved off those drab feelings by so much. It's always a harrowing reminder of what he needs to keep trying his best to protect, so truly enjoying anything else would be a challenge. ]

Now that we're back on the station, too, we're able to fully confirm that Cagalli is no longer here. She didn't come with us on the mission in the first place, which already didn't bode well. But I think Athrun still... [ He had to be actually be back, see it with his own eyes that she was gone, not just somehow left behind by some weird teleporter malfunction or the like. ]

Anyway, he didn't get hurt on the mission or anything! But this is just unfortunately shitty timing. [ Someone is! Concerned! About him! Despite the way he says that. ]

[now two people are concerned. Blue remains silent for another handful of beats before:]

What...would help ease his pain? Right now? What has done so before?

... He's probably doing better today, at the very least. [ Now that the day's passed. A double-whammy of "today I lost my mother" as well as "it's the couple holiday and tfw no gf(?) here anymore." ]

But distraction works on him as well as it works on anyone else. Especially when he has to focus hard on something else, like a game of chess. [ Because he and Yzak are more alike than Yzak would ever admit. Athrun doesn't like losing, either. ] And it just so happened that I had some extra time yesterday to spare.

[ Spare. Give because he was thinking of him. Same difference. ]

[hm.]

If I knew...how to play, I would offer... But I never did take to it when I was younger.

[why would you sit and play chess when you could FLY??? hello?]

Haaah? No?

[ It's time for this nerd-ass chess master to show his power level a bit, passion for this cultured and refined game clear enough in his voice that one wouldn't even need an emotion read to see it. ]

That's a shame to hear. A victory in chess is one of the best feelings! Not just casually, but when one seriously puts their skills to the test in a competition - which I've won myself, of course. Back when I was younger; the Junior Chess champion in my home city!

[Blue breathes out an amused sound in the face of Yzak's preening.]

For someone whose mind is so proficient...I imagine that's so. But I'm no brilliant thinker, Yzak. [his eyes crinkle.] Just psychic.

It wouldn't be...terribly fair.

I wouldn't sell myself short there. Any good leader needs a sharp mind! [ Yzak claims to only hang out with smart, powerful people after all. And part of why he likes Blue in the first place is because he has way too many traits that he admires in others. ]

But you're right, someone playing against you, that would be quite unfair.

... Or would it? [ He brings his free hand to his chin, thinking outloud. ] One can't think ahead, so would have to make a decision for each move in the moment. That would actually be a pretty impressive level of difficulty to consider... [ Them competitive gears are turnin' in him. ]

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