ximilialog | Feb Log

[ The end of that mission was full of so much chaos, trauma, sadness, and thanks to that orb, anger, that Yzak's barely had any time to properly process anything. That's what he's used to, though, as not only a mobile suit pilot but a leader, to hold it together in those dangerous, do or die situations so he nor his team end up hurt or worse. And if things did start to take a turn for the worst, he'd at least be focused enough to mitigate as much additional damage as possible.

And boy, did this mission take that turn.

So despite everything, somehow, Yzak manages to keep it together until they're all pulled back to the station, and that orb (a good show? Fuck right off with that) is claimed by Degar. His face is stinging beneath the bandage over the left side of his face where he was wounded earlier, but thankfully he didn't really take much damage beyond that. Others, though ... like Blue who had...

The rush to get those who need to be moved to the infirmary is like a blur to him at that point, and when those frantic moments in the immediate aftermath of their return pass, Yzak is able to start back ... somewhere, his room, probably. And he manages to make it as far as one of the windowed hallways looking out into near blackness (Really, where else would a Gundam character do this) before he stops and leans back against one of the windowsills. Now that the rush is wearing off, those frantic in-the-moment reactive feelings that he had no choice but to repress are roaring back to catch up to him and hit him all at once.

So he leans over, slumping down some and bracing his elbows on his knees, pressing the balls of his hands against his eyes (not as hard on his left, where he's hurt). He pulls in a few short, shaky breaths almost like he's gasping for air, feeling his blood pound in his ears and his heart quicken in his chest. It ain't pretty, but it'll pass.

He doesn't like having these moments, especially somewhere vulnerable like this, anywhere not in the privacy of his room. But, sometimes you just have no control over this sort of thing or where it happens! And he hopes nobody happens to pass by at this moment.

(which means somebody for sure will) ]

[ You know what's worse than feeling some pretty powerful attraction to a dying psychic? Actually watching him die. Twice, even. Twice, and yet despite everything (and mostly thanks to Sabriel) here Blue is, still alive somehow! A good thing, if not traumatic for Yzak who had to feel his hand slip slack from his, watch his breath stop, body still, as if it were some sick preview of what to expect in the future that he didn't need nor ask for.

(a reminder, because he did choose to go down this path, after all, what else did he expect?)

((maybe he's the type who still hopes beyond hope anyway, because if he keeps down this path it's only going to get worse))

That said, while Blue rests in the infirmary, Yzak is there a lot. Not JUST for him, but absolutely a great deal for him, in case he wakes, he has no shame there. He don't give a fuck, after that! He's sitting at a chair at his bedside right now, one hand with uneasy, fidgeting fingers drumming against the armrest while the other thumbs through a thin book about ethnology in his lap that he's only half taking in, because he's trying to stay busy (distracted) with something. ]

[ So not only would Valentine's Day be depressing for the station already since it's literally the day after their return and half the crew is either in the infirmary, malnourished, traumatized, or a mix of any of those, but even if their mission had gone well, today wouldn't exactly be great for Yzak or especially Athrun anyway! Because today is more well known as the Bloody Valentine where they're from, the event that prompted many of them, Yzak included, to enlist in the military. Athrun, too, for a more personal reason considering he lost his mother there. So from that alone, Yzak would be here.

BUT, the mission did in fact suck! Not to mention that Athrun is also most likely still dealing with that final confirmation that Cagalli really is gone now that they're back. And honestly, Yzak himself needs a distraction - Blue is still unconscious, resting in the infirmary, Sabriel isn't doing well, his injury still stings, he's pissed off at this latest orb and what it said to them (a good show? Literally fuck you). He doesn't know what else to do with himself right now to get his mind to stop running in circles.

So his focus moves to Athrun, because he's probably in his room moping by himself and needs a distraction, too. He knows how he is! (and he might be! a little! concerned!)

Yzak knocks. ]

Open up.

[ He's got a small box tucked under his arm, voice casual but with that firmness he always has. ]

[he may not be cleaned up from the dust and drama of the mission, but being on IV fluids for the couple days it takes to rehydrate and start to recover does bring a bit of haleness to the Mu's features, looking less on the precipice of death as he had in those moments leading up to the finding of Ford.

the exhaustion, anger, and misery of the outcome hangs in the station (and infirmary in particular) like a miasma, making it difficult for Blue to resurface from lucidity - to say nothing of the on-again off-again flickerings of his own psionics, making his sleep that much heavier upon him.

when he does come to, he's brought to the surface by the thrumming of anxiety nearby; Blue's eyes slowly blink open before he draws a slow breath, breathing it back out with a faint sound in his nose.]

[ Blue's very own anxiety-powered Coordinator alarm clock. And the Coordinator part means that his ears pick up on that slightly different-sounding draw and exhale of breath, so Yzak's eyes quickly move from the book in his lap to Blue himself.

...

Finally. And thank goodness. Even though Blue was pulled back to life, Yzak wasn't sure of the extent of the damage done to him, if he'd even wake up at all. The last couple of days? Have not been great for him in that regard! That much will be obvious to Blue (or, will it?), even though his expression tries its best to not very clearly reflect that - but it still reflects clearly enough, because Yzak is just like this.

The buzz of anxiety and relief mix together as Yzak gives him a couple of moments to wake and at least orient himself before he speaks, voice quiet because he does remember where he is for a change, edged with that anxiety yet because Blue's awake, but that's still a pretty low bar to clear. ]

Blue...

[his expression softens out of the struggle of waking up, cognizant of that swell of relief that can't quite smother all worry entirely.

his fingers twitch, vaguely aware of the needle in his hand, yet he still tries to turn his hand to accept Yzak's should he choose to take it.]

I'm sorry. How long...have I kept you waiting?

[ Blue really out here with the I'm sorry like he did anything wrong, like not see those shots coming. Yzak, meanwhile, also did not see those shots coming, but boy oh boy he feels shitty about that. Just like his reason for being on the Ximilia in the first place, if he'd just been a little faster, maybe saw something sooner, when the smallest little bit of difference could have changed that ending entirely...

He doesn't speak on the apology, though it very clearly hurts to hear it - but he won't argue that now, not when Blue is just waking up. Shocking, Yzak not arguing. What's also shocking though is that he sees Blue's hand twitch, try to move, try to turn it toward him, knows by now how Blue is, what he's doing, what he wants, so obliges and takes his hand after closing his book (he'll need to reread it all anyway, since his focus hasn't been to his liking). A smidge of PDA, here, in front of other people?! You know he's in it now if he does that as easily as he does.

(he still feels a little awkward about it, because he's just stupidly shy about Having Soft Emotions At All Especially Where Others Can See)

... also, it feels nice to take that hand and not feel it being lifelessly ripped away from him. ]

It's only been a couple of days.

[ He answers, though "only" has felt like much longer than that. He's sure it feels the same for everyone, after this last mission. The station's been so sullen. ]

But at least you're awake now. How are you feeling?

[ He asks that knowing "like shit" is probably a given, but. ]

Hey. What's going on?

[ one such passersby is also the type who cannot just pass by. gwen speaks up before reaching yzak. she doesn't reach out to touch him, unsure if it will be welcome, but she also can't do nothing.

crouching by him, she frowns. he's hurt, obviously; but she doesn't believe the root cause here is physical. she remembers him (hard to forget him) from those first days here on the station. a far cry from his state now. she bites her lip, worried. ]

[Blue closes his eyes for a moment, taking stock of how he feels. tired, but not outright exhausted, sore from not moving, but...]

...Better. Than earlier. [...]

Ford...

I couldn't do anything...

[ He hears Gwen's footsteps before he hears her voice, and by the time she speaks up he's ... well, trying to play it cool (he's failing) but he can only forcefully do so much to look okay when he was unable to hold himself together until he got back to his room in the first place.

Shit.

He really hates this. ]

—Nothing! Nothing, I'm fine!

[ That would sound more snappy if he had his breath back, but it comes out weaker than intended. And the way his expression shifts, mouth dipping, makes it clear that even he knows how bullshit that came out. So he amends, still trying to make it sound not as bad as just 'I'm freaking out a little'. ]

... Just, dizzy. [ A small tilt of his head to bring attention to the bandage that covers one of his eyes. ] My depth-perception's fucked up like this.

[ 'Better' is better than 'like shit' or 'dead', so he'll take it, trusting those words. He does look better than when they all arrived back on the station, which is relief enough. ]

...

[ He tilts his head down. ]

None of us really could, in the end.

[ There's a sting of empathetic loneliness when he recalls that final image of the man, sobbing and alone. Completely alone and unable to escape it, even through death. Yzak's felt the pain of loss and loneliness strongly enough that even he knows how much worse that level of it must feel. Something he'd never wish to experience himself. ]

Between an eternal, blissfully ignorant lie and a painful truth, I don't think I'd consider either a good choice. Preferable, maybe. [ He'd prefer the truth, if he had to pick. ] But that we're never given the time to even search for anything more before being pulled back here...

...Is cruel.

[frustrating. wrong.

Blue's eyes open, fixed on the empty ceiling, expression hardening. wrestling with the morality of this all...this isn't a new struggle. one has to balance the value of seeing their own wishes through with the cost of reaching in and altering the lives of strangers on top of calculating the cost of not intervening at all - a tricky tightrope indeed.

as ever, though, the choice of putting himself last is always the easiest.]

My heart in this matter... It can't be in the same place it was...when I was drawn here.

Cruel, yeah.

[ He looks like he wants to say more, thinking about not only what awaits down the line, but if ... a chance were ever to show itself. A chance to at least know what happened in those worlds they left behind, if not to be able to return or help any more.

After the first mission he wanted to believe in those who were left behind, that they would make the right choices on their own with the steps the Orbers helped them take. Make the decisions on their own with how to deal with the fallout rather than following some strangers' opinions. Branson, though, he has no home and no family, no people left to support him. Can someone truly pick themself back up or move on when they have nothing left?

Yzak sends a glance to Blue, curious. ]

Where was it when you were drawn here?

And, where is it now?

[Blue doesn't answer right away, though his expression does soften some. after a beat, he shifts, moving his free arm so he can start to push himself to sitting up a bit, eventually needing a bit of Yzak's help to finish the job and get pillows behind him to keep himself propped up.]

I've meditated on it...for a long time. What I regret. What I would change. There is so much...I would change for them. [for his people.] But...at the cost of...what they have accomplished? Despite everything?

I don't know anymore. Seeing how these...beings, these orbs...the way they determine those changes...

Were I to be responsible...for a fate like Ford's...for any of them... [he'd rather die, honestly.]

[ As Blue moves, he does as well when he clearly needs the extra hand to sit upright. Yzak understands that determination Blue has for his people - he feels the same way, it's the same reason he's here. For them. Even if the circumstances are different because Yzak's trying to revert an ungodly amount of death he had to witness firsthand. ]

Not just the way they determine those changes ... but you heard it, too, didn't you? What a good show you put on for me.

[ That thought gets his blood boiling again. Feeling used for enjoyment after all they went through makes Yzak's skin crawl. He's so, so tired of it; being used, lacking control and feeling like he's just some part of someone, something else's plan. That the orb was entertained by it all, by the way they all realized they were starving, the way they were hurt, the way they struggled, the way Blue looked when...

Yzak shakes his head. He doesn't want to think about that anymore. ]

I came here understanding and accepting that things weren't going to be easy. But I also don't want to come out of this with even more regret than I entered with, if I can help it.

[ It's a difficult balance, indeed. ]

[Yzak's distaste and outrage at the orb's words resonates well with how Blue feels about it, and he's grateful for that. he doesn't know how humans stand it, boiling in their own emotions, not having that mutual resonance to assure it is not just them skewing their own thoughts and feelings (why be biased alone when you can be biased together!!!!).

he keeps hold of some of Yzak's fingers throughout that shifting of position, not keen to let him get far away.]

And those we are encountering... They're suffering, too. More or less doesn't matter, but...doesn't it matter if we're doing such damage...for the sake of the past? [what about the present?]

[ He ain't going nowhere don't worry. These last couple of days have SUCKED.

Those thoughts turn over in his mind. Maybe it's because of why he's here, what he feels about himself, that makes weighing something like his regret against what they just had to witness in general easier to deal with. Snapping a man out of a neverending delusion sounds like a small price to pay for so many lost lives, even if the suffering that man has to go through now is going to be a lot. But it's not as though Yzak doesn't feel bad about it - he does.

And he understands what Blue means, too. Doing something to change the past, rather than work for the now, or for the future ... even though he feels his own task here does affect those other two. If he wasn't here, Yzak wouldn't even believe in the possibility of doing something like changing the past, nothing exists where he's from that could ever make that a reality. But somehow, it's become one for him now. And many others, he'd assume. ]

Of course it matters. I think the rub of it comes down to why each of us are here in the first place.

[ Once Blue's sitting up properly, Yzak himself settles back down in his chair. He said his heart couldn't be in the same place it was when he got here... ]

Why did you come here, anyway? What is it you're trying to change?

[he hesitates, frowning softly.]

...I can only guess...what it is I would change...were it truly within my power. What's really in my heart to move me...to avoid the fate already written for me. [to avoid that fiery death Yzak witnessed.]

Because if it were...to avoid my own end...[he shakes his head.] It could lead us to ruin in another way. [it would mean losing Jomy. it would mean never leaving Ataraxia with him. never kickstarting that campaign through the stars. idling...decaying...fading.]

But my own selfish shame... [his gaze is downcast.] Having to become like the very thing...I've been fighting all my life... Sealing her memories...to imbue her with my power...

[ Blue talking about his fate hooks into Yzak's heart since they're talking about regrets here. It's true that anything could cause a ripple that grows large enough to cause something even worse down the line. Still, the more simple, selfish part of him hears avoid my own end and attaches to it, wanting just that without any weird orb strings or worse alternates attached.

If only things could be that simple. ]

'Her'?

[ Sealing memories, knowing what he does about the system in Blue's universe, he can pick up immediately why he would feel the way he does about whatever this is. ]

[he doesn't answer aloud, instead just squeezing at Yzak's fingers as he passes the image along. a woman, whose golden hair is impossibly long, eyes forever closed and blind, practically glowing with a gentle presence. she smiles kindly, his name on her lips, holding her hands out to him.

it's overlaid with the image of her in tears, reaching out for him to stay.

Soldier...!]

...Physis. [my goddess.]

Physis... [ He repeats outloud, the name familiar, popping up in passing at least one in the memories that he recalls being shown. But never images, or specific feelings, memories of her.

She's pretty, Yzak can nearly feel that gentleness that seems to radiate off of her. And if she's the source of his regret, she must be important to Blue. His curiosity is piqued both about who she is, but also... ]

Why did you do it?

[Blue exhales, his expression getting sadder with this topic. he misses her dearly, even now - especially now! he'd have liked to have kissed her once...]

Those things she endured... The dark ties bound to the powers latent within in her...they frightened her. Stunted her growth. If she were to feel as though she belonged, she needed that power. My power.

So I sealed them. Her memories. And I took her to the Shangri-La, taught her to tap into her dreams...to glimpse flickerings of the future. Without her...I don't know if I could've found them. The children. Jomy.

But doing so... It's just the same as the Mother computers. The ones who robbed me of my own past. [hypocrisy. he exhales in a soft huff, shaking his head.]

You never know...if what you've done is truly right...until the end.

[ So he took what sound like traumatic memories from her - which, Yzak knows are probably actually traumatic, considering what he knows about the computers. Still, hypocritical would be the word to use there.

...

Not that Yzak can really judge such a thing, so he's not doing so. He doesn't particularly see himself as in a position to judge anyone else's hypocrisy and sins like this, considering what he himself carries. He judges, but he judges small, silly insignificant things to fluff up his own ego in the moment, not something like this. Or at least not when there's the same sort of regret attached to it that he holds himself. So there's some understanding there, since they all came to the Ximilia for that same reason. ]

No. But one has to wonder if any decision is ever really truly right anyway.

[Blue looks at him, that piercing effect coming to his expression before he looks away.]

Supreme morality...supreme right and wrong... That's logic for machines. What matters...is our lives. Our effects on each other.

What effect...I've left...

Based on what I know, which might not be everything, but I still think I'm sharp enough to tell! [ And clearly, his opinion is important. ] ... It sounds like you've left a more than adequately good effect on those around you.

[ He glances down at their hands when he says that, because, obviously he doesn't just mean those back in his universe. ]

Everyone - no, most people, simply try to do the best they can, how they can, and hope that it was the right call. Or whatever the closest thing to that is. [ Because it's never easy to tell exactly for those reasons - nothing ever really feels truly, supremely right or wrong. One just has to hope they're taking the right action to lean in the direction they're aiming for. ]

Feb Log

Aftermath (OTA)

For Blue

For Athrun

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