ximilialog | exhale [open]

Entry tags:

exhale [open]

CHARACTERS: Blue, any
LOCATION: infirmary, mess hall, sun room, Blue's dormitory
DATE: post-mission
CONTENT: downtime (+dream/memshare option)
WARNINGS: mention of terminal illness, medical treatments/needles

Disorienting moments blurred together in the chaos in and outside of himself, with the context left only to his physical senses and the alarming news coming in from the earpiece. Blue can only hold on and endure as the train is rocked, as the car he's trapped in slows to a crawl, as the noise keeps coming in over the signal...

Until he doesn't. Until his eyes have to wince to readjust to the reflective surfaces and glaring light of Ximilia, until he must shudder and brace against the feeling of his psionics flooding back to him, bringing forth the anguish, fury, confusion, and betrayal flooding the place as much as the bodies. It leaves Blue in something of a shock - one that's well and fine to be ignored, since hard focus on him would likely just rattle him more, and anyway, his own attention keeps getting forcibly redirected toward a fairly unified notion.

Newt.

Newt, monsters...the roiling, gnashing form that bit back when he reached out - is that? What happened? He doesn't know. He just sees Newton getting carried away while he and the rest are left to linger undirected.

The exhaustion creeps back in steadily, bringing with it the old awareness of a failing body that must work harder for less of what's necessary. He puts up no audible fuss about having to be ferried to the infirmary, about getting pinched yet again with needles for fluids that compensate for what he can't intake himself, but his insides are raging. Bodily, he aches. Mentally, he is caging lions: Frustration bubbles over in the face of how unfair it is that he had been given time and means to stand on his own two feet and move about as a hale body, only to have no means or power to do much more than rummage a few suitcases. This isn't how Soldier Blue could help. Why did he have to have his psionics taken away.

It's infuriating to ruminate on, and that fury, while muted externally, still informs the way his brow knits, the way he goes still and quiet, bracing against shuddering, aching waves of discomfort. Now and then, it makes simple objects near him rattle or lift off surfaces just barely when his psionics are up and lacking any other means to vent.

It's worse when those psionics are off, when he feels himself alone in his own mind - that's when he tries to gravitate toward populated spaces: The infirmary, the mess, the sun room...somewhere with familiar-seeming people in that unfamiliar-seeming state of mind. The frustration remains, but at this point, that's familiar, too.

In those spaces, at least, his focus can be pulled outside of himself and toward others, regardless of if their feelings of frustration resonate with his or not. Sometimes he wants to commiserate...and sometimes he wants to simply try and take care of the burdens of others, to feel as though he can leave some good behind despite the decay he's saddled with.

That orb never did respond. Nothing changed. Not for the better, anyway. What else...is he supposed to do? It can't be to just die quietly; he won't allow that.

Just as before, more and more time will be spent bedridden than he'd like. In sleep, should there still be hours left with his psionics active, his mind can be pulled out and toward others at rest, too, and he may find himself walking their dreams just as much as his own. The bleed over doesn't even have to be terribly seamless, since to a sleeping mind, anything and nothing can make sense anyway.

He's just...there, now. There, somewhere with someone, be it happy or sad.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

...

[Blue quietly takes the bottle, his expression pensive, taut.]

Whether or not she is a true AI...is what I am most uncertain of. Because if she is, that compassion, her candidness...is merely a product of programming. To get the best results out of us for the sake of her mission.

And care for our sakes...is for the sake of her mission. It...shouldn't be misconstrued for friendship.

I agree with that much.

[ Yzak also grabs a bottle for himself, staring at the water inside gently swashing back and forth. ]

Those traits aren't strictly those of an AI's, though. As a commander, I want to ensure the best results of the missions I'm given, too. Part of what ensures as much is the physical and mental well being of myself and my team, and the camaraderie between us all. Every step I take on these missions keep that same thing in mind. But you're a leader, too, so you probably know the importance of all of that, already.

During our first war, the team I was in was considered an honor to serve on, because our commander was esteemed among our ranks. The best of the best. And through most of that war, I believed in the words he said and the orders he gave. Only very few things I started to question later, and even despite questioning them, he had something profound to say to ease those misgivings in me.

As it turns out, everything that man put forward was a farce. I still don't know why, and I don't care why, but he wanted to see us all burn; Naturals and Coordinators alike. He wanted to manipulate us to the point of mutual annihilation, and he came pretty damned close to succeeding. All we were, all I was to him, was a pawn. Expendable if I had to be, but useful so long as I was alive and not being too much of a nuisance to him and the goal he was working toward.

And I was a pretty gullible pawn. [ Yzak grimaces, some flash of past guilt coloring his expression. ] I was a fucking moron, back then.

Everything I try to do, every order I make since I'm in his position now, I do so with him in mind. Because I wish to do the opposite of what he did.

[ He lets out a small huff through his nose, opening the bottle and taking a sip out of it as he leans back against the drawer. ]

But, I think of Giva. Of Entr'i and the fact that we had to lie to her for a time. I was apprehensive to trust her because I didn't want to make those same mistakes again - the same ones I don't want to make here. I remember telling her, that a person who trusts nobody can't be trusted in turn. She understood why our intentions weren't immediately given to her. And I know it's not exactly the same circumstance between us and Viveca, but...

[ He shrugs a shoulder with a heavy sigh as his mind turns all of those memories over in his head. ]

I don't want to completely mistrust their intentions, here. But I also don't want to be bullshitted and used like some sort of disposable tool again.

In that way...it must be considered the same.

[Blue's expression hasn't changed much, save for the withdrawn quality of his gaze, staring askance.]

Entr'i's happiness...Ford's happiness...All of that... was expendable. For this mission. Our own happiness...is not the goal of this station, save for that deal we brokered in our dreams.

Everything else...is what we gather for ourselves. And I will neither expect...nor seek to see Viveca or Degar play a role in it. Because our happiness is not their mission.

[he looks back to Yzak. Yzak - whose compassion only matters to this station when it comes to gathering orbs, who has chosen to share so much of himself to a dying
man who has already begged to sever their dealings with the orb in favor of a future.]

Our happiness...our health...so long as it serves their needs...that is when it matters to them.

That is what I believe. Because I can...perceive no less.

[...]

Maybe that is...another Mu shortcoming. That I cannot find the strength to trust...that which I cannot perceive.

It's true that regardless of how things ended, so long as we retrieved the orb it'd be considered a success. It's our own resolve to leave things as not-fucked as possible that even has a chance to make that difference in the end.

And that comes down to the idea of the ends justifying the means; what it would mean if the orbs were left where they were.

[ Yzak's mind always tries to look at all outcomes, similar to when he's focused on a game of chess. Too many different possibilities and paths ahead of him, difficult to know which to take, which to trust. ]

I wonder if our happiness is at least considered, in whatever end result Viveca and Degar are aiming for. [ There's always more than one goal, after all. But all that is is an idle musing of one of many possibilities. ] Or if they have their own shortcomings in all of this that they need to confront.

Just because they're in positions of command doesn't mean they lack those. I certainly don't. Which is also why I wish to be careful.

[he smiles small, rueful.]

You'd make an incomparable Mu, my Yzak. [that endless effort to connect points, answer questions, sort possibilities and outcomes...perhaps it'd suit him. or perhaps it would just make him even more anxious? hard to say without it happening.]

[ He lifts his eyebrows in Blue's direction at the comment, an amused bit of curiosity in his eyes. (and a small pulse of warmth in his chest every time Blue addresses him like that) ]

You think so?

[a small, affirmative sound.]

If some find your intellect insufferable now...just imagine if you had that extra layer to confirm the emotions around you. [heh...]

...Perhaps for the best you don't. There'd be nonstop squabbles, I think.

Insufferable?! [ He's pufferfishin' it up in response to the teasing. ] That wouldn't be my fault, if they were so envious of my intellect!

[with amusement in his breath:] Indeed. But... [he cups Yzak's cheek affectionately.] You as you are...is just as good. That insight and empathy...is very valuable. And admirable because it is yours alone, not any extra sense.

[ The touch lowers the hackles raised from that absolutely theoretical situation that didn't require a reaction at all. But, it's Yzak. That sort of compliment, though ... it's what he craves to hear, because he has pride in his abilities and what sort of commander he is, and he'd like to think he's doing it ... you know, right. ]

Let's just hope it doesn't get taken advantage of here.

...Do you think you can find that strength? To trust, even, if you can't perceive them.

[his smile wanes a bit, but he doesn't withdraw. that's not how this works - he promised to share the feelings Yzak can't perceive himself.]

...For myself? I don't truly know. But I want to believe that I...I can trust in those the ones I love put their trust in.

[or he'll give those who betray his beloved ones hell for the betrayal, maybe? in some way...if he has any means to at all.]

Well, not all of my trust is there. Some is, because it's as I just explained what I said to Entr'i. [ That a person who trusts nobody can't be trusted in turn. ] I still have goals I intend to accomplish, and if I can do that ... so long as they don't completely fuck me or any of you over, don't reveal themselves to be absolute, two-faced bastards, I can deal with some amount of uncertainty along the way.

I didn't come here for my own happiness, after all. [ There's a small pause, that awareness of Blue's hand on his face that compels him to add: ] But I also didn't intend to find much, either. [ And look how that turned out! ]

[mild amusement:] I did not intend to find much life in general here, myself. [sobering:] But I understand what you say, Yzak. And I know you can. Withstand the uncertainty, that is.

That line is different for everyone for sure. But for the sake of my people, and for your sake as well, being here - hopefully having been here in the end - has been worth it for me, and I can withstand much more if needed, and have it remain as such.

[ He keeps his focus intently on Blue. Because in comparison ... he's gone through a lot, here. And he doesn't even have a regret he's focused on undoing anymore. ] I hope it's been ... bearable for you, too.

[he strokes his cheek with his thumb once before withdrawing his hand.] If it wasn't...why would I linger? It's more than bearable, Yzak; it's worthwhile.

[ If Blue decided right now that he didn't want to be on the station or going on these missions anymore, he wouldn't exactly have much else in the way of options.

(will that change at the end of this)

(something else to consider)

(sabriel still has those notes from kilnan)

(filing that one away)

Small, fleeting thoughts prompted by the way Yzak's skin suddenly feels cold when Blue pulls that hand away. Worthwhile ... he knows that he would never give up his regret, how important it is that he accomplish this mission. Still, he thinks, had he come here without that goal in some alternate reality and met Blue in the same way, would he consider just that worthwhile on its own?

What a stupid question. Of course he would. Because Blue is as deeply part of him now than him than his own world is.

He chases the want to recapture that warmth again, reaching to catch Blue's hand with his own as he leans in to kiss him. ]

[few things delight quite like the way it feels when Yzak kisses him unprompted. well, seemingly unprompted - there's plenty of cause for it here. Blue's captured fingers curl around Yzak's as he tilts his head to meet him kiss for kiss, lingering there for moments longer than needed. it's just nice, you know? and a relief that there's still chance for it.]

[ Plenty of cause, but it's not as though Yzak needs an excuse to kiss him aside from a simple urge to. And he's more accustomed now, to listening and following through with those urges without much or nearly any hesitance. He doesn't want to waste the opportunity, wants to indulge and imprint these feelings as deeply into his memory and his heart as he possibly can. ]

Stay? [ The thought, the request comes softly as he squeezes at Blue's hand. ] Here with me. And rest.

[ He breaks the kiss, slightly flushed and staying nose to nose. And then he adds. ]

... please.

[ Politely. ]

[like he even needs to ask!

...but it's sweet that the does.

Blue hums a contented sound, his bangs tickling at Yzak's skin. that please is too sweet to hear, prompting another little kiss.]

I will. Gladly.

[ He's definitely being needy here, a touch upset that their train ride ended in stress when it had started out so nicely. It's as they spoke of earlier, that they need to reach and grab for these moments whenever they can. While they still can, in their specific case.

And there's no other way Yzak would prefer to wind down after the chaos of what just transpired than to do it in the comfort of Blue's presence. Especially so while the other still has this extra strength in him, before he has to start making those trips to the infirmary again.

Mmh, thank you.

[ Blue's response in turn gets a charmed rush of emotion as he slips an arm around his back. He doesn't want to think about the immediate future just yet, not when he's here in front of him now. When he makes that movement, there's a mix of familiarity in feeling this form of his, as well as a note of the lack of wings he has there now.

It was different, but those wings were pretty, he thinks. They suited him, whether they were draped limply around Blue or flared out behind him and enhancing his beauty. ]

[Blue's compelled to melt against him, but instead sits up, teasing Yzak with a little nudge to his nose with his own to coax him to scoot in or just outright switch seats to sit beside him on the bed.

it's easy to pick up on that train of thought, and so, amused:] You miss them? Those wings...

I'm sorry. Those are for dreams now. [have another kiss instead.]

[ Coaxed he is - easily, which is something obvious about Yzak once one gets to know him, but it's not like anybody else can do it particularly like this. So he does move, to get physically closer to Blue, leaving his water bottle behind. ]

Miss is a strong word. I think I can live without them in reality.

[ It's him who melts against Blue, now that he's settled in closer. Hand still clutching one of his, Yzak shuts his eyes softly when he kisses him again, holding it for longer, pressing in to deepen it. ]

... but they were rather nice. Those sorts of wings are beautiful already when they're small. [ On a butterfly. He feels his face heat up. ] So on you... they were even moreso.

[Blue's mouth parts for him, sighing against Yzak's while he winds his free arm around his shoulders.]

It's something of a marvel...to be thought of as beautiful by you. Even now. [he threads fingers through some of his hair.]

[ He takes full advantage of the invitation and slips his tongue between Blue's lips. But before he can properly relish in the feeling, Blue makes that remark and he thinks: ]

A marvel?

[ He pulls back, but only barely, to give him a hard stare. ]

Hardly...! It's just a fact; now, before, later, that's not a thought that's going to change. Not ... not in the least.

[Blue's left a little dazed by getting just a taste of that kiss before Yzak withdraws for more proclamations; his eyes flutter a bit, face flushed and mouth still parted for the beat it takes to get back on Yzak's wavelength.

when he does, his mouth twitches into a wan smile.]

Is that so. [famous last words, Yzak Jule.] One more...constant to rely on, then. I'll keep it in mind.

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