ximilialog | exhale [open]

Entry tags:

exhale [open]

CHARACTERS: Blue, any
LOCATION: infirmary, mess hall, sun room, Blue's dormitory
DATE: post-mission
CONTENT: downtime (+dream/memshare option)
WARNINGS: mention of terminal illness, medical treatments/needles

Disorienting moments blurred together in the chaos in and outside of himself, with the context left only to his physical senses and the alarming news coming in from the earpiece. Blue can only hold on and endure as the train is rocked, as the car he's trapped in slows to a crawl, as the noise keeps coming in over the signal...

Until he doesn't. Until his eyes have to wince to readjust to the reflective surfaces and glaring light of Ximilia, until he must shudder and brace against the feeling of his psionics flooding back to him, bringing forth the anguish, fury, confusion, and betrayal flooding the place as much as the bodies. It leaves Blue in something of a shock - one that's well and fine to be ignored, since hard focus on him would likely just rattle him more, and anyway, his own attention keeps getting forcibly redirected toward a fairly unified notion.

Newt.

Newt, monsters...the roiling, gnashing form that bit back when he reached out - is that? What happened? He doesn't know. He just sees Newton getting carried away while he and the rest are left to linger undirected.

The exhaustion creeps back in steadily, bringing with it the old awareness of a failing body that must work harder for less of what's necessary. He puts up no audible fuss about having to be ferried to the infirmary, about getting pinched yet again with needles for fluids that compensate for what he can't intake himself, but his insides are raging. Bodily, he aches. Mentally, he is caging lions: Frustration bubbles over in the face of how unfair it is that he had been given time and means to stand on his own two feet and move about as a hale body, only to have no means or power to do much more than rummage a few suitcases. This isn't how Soldier Blue could help. Why did he have to have his psionics taken away.

It's infuriating to ruminate on, and that fury, while muted externally, still informs the way his brow knits, the way he goes still and quiet, bracing against shuddering, aching waves of discomfort. Now and then, it makes simple objects near him rattle or lift off surfaces just barely when his psionics are up and lacking any other means to vent.

It's worse when those psionics are off, when he feels himself alone in his own mind - that's when he tries to gravitate toward populated spaces: The infirmary, the mess, the sun room...somewhere with familiar-seeming people in that unfamiliar-seeming state of mind. The frustration remains, but at this point, that's familiar, too.

In those spaces, at least, his focus can be pulled outside of himself and toward others, regardless of if their feelings of frustration resonate with his or not. Sometimes he wants to commiserate...and sometimes he wants to simply try and take care of the burdens of others, to feel as though he can leave some good behind despite the decay he's saddled with.

That orb never did respond. Nothing changed. Not for the better, anyway. What else...is he supposed to do? It can't be to just die quietly; he won't allow that.

Just as before, more and more time will be spent bedridden than he'd like. In sleep, should there still be hours left with his psionics active, his mind can be pulled out and toward others at rest, too, and he may find himself walking their dreams just as much as his own. The bleed over doesn't even have to be terribly seamless, since to a sleeping mind, anything and nothing can make sense anyway.

He's just...there, now. There, somewhere with someone, be it happy or sad.

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[with amusement in his breath:] Indeed. But... [he cups Yzak's cheek affectionately.] You as you are...is just as good. That insight and empathy...is very valuable. And admirable because it is yours alone, not any extra sense.

[ The touch lowers the hackles raised from that absolutely theoretical situation that didn't require a reaction at all. But, it's Yzak. That sort of compliment, though ... it's what he craves to hear, because he has pride in his abilities and what sort of commander he is, and he'd like to think he's doing it ... you know, right. ]

Let's just hope it doesn't get taken advantage of here.

...Do you think you can find that strength? To trust, even, if you can't perceive them.

[his smile wanes a bit, but he doesn't withdraw. that's not how this works - he promised to share the feelings Yzak can't perceive himself.]

...For myself? I don't truly know. But I want to believe that I...I can trust in those the ones I love put their trust in.

[or he'll give those who betray his beloved ones hell for the betrayal, maybe? in some way...if he has any means to at all.]

Well, not all of my trust is there. Some is, because it's as I just explained what I said to Entr'i. [ That a person who trusts nobody can't be trusted in turn. ] I still have goals I intend to accomplish, and if I can do that ... so long as they don't completely fuck me or any of you over, don't reveal themselves to be absolute, two-faced bastards, I can deal with some amount of uncertainty along the way.

I didn't come here for my own happiness, after all. [ There's a small pause, that awareness of Blue's hand on his face that compels him to add: ] But I also didn't intend to find much, either. [ And look how that turned out! ]

[mild amusement:] I did not intend to find much life in general here, myself. [sobering:] But I understand what you say, Yzak. And I know you can. Withstand the uncertainty, that is.

That line is different for everyone for sure. But for the sake of my people, and for your sake as well, being here - hopefully having been here in the end - has been worth it for me, and I can withstand much more if needed, and have it remain as such.

[ He keeps his focus intently on Blue. Because in comparison ... he's gone through a lot, here. And he doesn't even have a regret he's focused on undoing anymore. ] I hope it's been ... bearable for you, too.

[he strokes his cheek with his thumb once before withdrawing his hand.] If it wasn't...why would I linger? It's more than bearable, Yzak; it's worthwhile.

[ If Blue decided right now that he didn't want to be on the station or going on these missions anymore, he wouldn't exactly have much else in the way of options.

(will that change at the end of this)

(something else to consider)

(sabriel still has those notes from kilnan)

(filing that one away)

Small, fleeting thoughts prompted by the way Yzak's skin suddenly feels cold when Blue pulls that hand away. Worthwhile ... he knows that he would never give up his regret, how important it is that he accomplish this mission. Still, he thinks, had he come here without that goal in some alternate reality and met Blue in the same way, would he consider just that worthwhile on its own?

What a stupid question. Of course he would. Because Blue is as deeply part of him now than him than his own world is.

He chases the want to recapture that warmth again, reaching to catch Blue's hand with his own as he leans in to kiss him. ]

[few things delight quite like the way it feels when Yzak kisses him unprompted. well, seemingly unprompted - there's plenty of cause for it here. Blue's captured fingers curl around Yzak's as he tilts his head to meet him kiss for kiss, lingering there for moments longer than needed. it's just nice, you know? and a relief that there's still chance for it.]

[ Plenty of cause, but it's not as though Yzak needs an excuse to kiss him aside from a simple urge to. And he's more accustomed now, to listening and following through with those urges without much or nearly any hesitance. He doesn't want to waste the opportunity, wants to indulge and imprint these feelings as deeply into his memory and his heart as he possibly can. ]

Stay? [ The thought, the request comes softly as he squeezes at Blue's hand. ] Here with me. And rest.

[ He breaks the kiss, slightly flushed and staying nose to nose. And then he adds. ]

... please.

[ Politely. ]

[like he even needs to ask!

...but it's sweet that the does.

Blue hums a contented sound, his bangs tickling at Yzak's skin. that please is too sweet to hear, prompting another little kiss.]

I will. Gladly.

[ He's definitely being needy here, a touch upset that their train ride ended in stress when it had started out so nicely. It's as they spoke of earlier, that they need to reach and grab for these moments whenever they can. While they still can, in their specific case.

And there's no other way Yzak would prefer to wind down after the chaos of what just transpired than to do it in the comfort of Blue's presence. Especially so while the other still has this extra strength in him, before he has to start making those trips to the infirmary again.

Mmh, thank you.

[ Blue's response in turn gets a charmed rush of emotion as he slips an arm around his back. He doesn't want to think about the immediate future just yet, not when he's here in front of him now. When he makes that movement, there's a mix of familiarity in feeling this form of his, as well as a note of the lack of wings he has there now.

It was different, but those wings were pretty, he thinks. They suited him, whether they were draped limply around Blue or flared out behind him and enhancing his beauty. ]

[Blue's compelled to melt against him, but instead sits up, teasing Yzak with a little nudge to his nose with his own to coax him to scoot in or just outright switch seats to sit beside him on the bed.

it's easy to pick up on that train of thought, and so, amused:] You miss them? Those wings...

I'm sorry. Those are for dreams now. [have another kiss instead.]

[ Coaxed he is - easily, which is something obvious about Yzak once one gets to know him, but it's not like anybody else can do it particularly like this. So he does move, to get physically closer to Blue, leaving his water bottle behind. ]

Miss is a strong word. I think I can live without them in reality.

[ It's him who melts against Blue, now that he's settled in closer. Hand still clutching one of his, Yzak shuts his eyes softly when he kisses him again, holding it for longer, pressing in to deepen it. ]

... but they were rather nice. Those sorts of wings are beautiful already when they're small. [ On a butterfly. He feels his face heat up. ] So on you... they were even moreso.

[Blue's mouth parts for him, sighing against Yzak's while he winds his free arm around his shoulders.]

It's something of a marvel...to be thought of as beautiful by you. Even now. [he threads fingers through some of his hair.]

[ He takes full advantage of the invitation and slips his tongue between Blue's lips. But before he can properly relish in the feeling, Blue makes that remark and he thinks: ]

A marvel?

[ He pulls back, but only barely, to give him a hard stare. ]

Hardly...! It's just a fact; now, before, later, that's not a thought that's going to change. Not ... not in the least.

[Blue's left a little dazed by getting just a taste of that kiss before Yzak withdraws for more proclamations; his eyes flutter a bit, face flushed and mouth still parted for the beat it takes to get back on Yzak's wavelength.

when he does, his mouth twitches into a wan smile.]

Is that so. [famous last words, Yzak Jule.] One more...constant to rely on, then. I'll keep it in mind.

[ Famous Last Words is Yzak's middle name. ]

You'd better. [ Muttered low as he leans his chin back in some. ] Because it is.

[ It's what he wants, too. To be a constant, be relied on. To take these moments for himself but also to ensure Blue takes what he pleases from them, too. Yzak is more than willing to give him anything he wants, because doing so gives him his own fulfillment. A cycle of mutual love and affection feeding into each other.

His eyes fall to the flush on Blue's cheeks and the warm lips that he's eager to catch again, and Yzak feels himself get a little overwhelmed with the subject of how beautiful he is. ]

Especially right now...! With that sort of look on your face.

[it's rare for Blue to feel bashful, but being so brazenly admired like that can do it; he ducks his head a little, the smile spreading. he exorcises some of that feeling by way of slipping his fingers out of Yzak's hair to curl under his jaw and guide him back over, himself meeting him partway, bashfulness be damned.]

Kiss me a while? Just a little while...

[ Blue's beauty is one thing. But that bashfulness? Is just cute coming from him, who's always been able to stare Yzak straight in the eye and say such profound things that took his breath away - simultaneously scared the hell out of him and pulled him even deeper into the affections that had started to sprout.

That way he's also capable of looking into Yzak's eyes and saying those things, too, he's always found beautiful. Yzak never lied when Blue'd spoken of his physical state, of it not mattering to him how it looked, because it didn't and it doesn't. But he does consider it lucky, an extra little perk, even, that Blue just so happens to be this fuckin cute. The admiration he feels is pretty strong right now. All focus of it on Blue and Blue alone.

He lets out a breathy little noise through his mouth, amused but not quite a laugh. ]

"Just" a little while?

[ And just kissing? Let him at it for too long and he'll want more. He already kind of does, because that sheepish sort of look that Blue fixes him with is enticing. But of course right now, Yzak obliges what he's asked and is content with that much, content with whatever it is that Blue wants as he enthusiastically catches his lips again. ]

["just" a little while - much to Blue's chagrin more than Yzak's. for as taken by these strong feelings Yzak himself is, Blue is just as much and then some, coupled with the frustrations of being able to wholly embrace and express it as he wishes to. at least, for longer than a little while, there was chance to do exactly that on the mission, but it isn't so now. now, he can only manage "just" a little while, greedily indulging in Yzak's affections, pouring out as much as he can in turn before he's just too tired and can only rest in his lover's arms, murmured apologies shushed and diffused by the stubborn steadfastness of Yzak's care even when deterred.

he wasn't wrong to say as he did: despite the struggle, the sorrow...this isn't simply bearable, it's worthwhile. selfishly so.]

[ The waning of that bit of energy left in Blue isn't the greatest thing to experience alongside him. But Yzak still manages to do his best and take it in stride. It's cushioned by the way Blue manages to squeeze what he can out of it, returning every bit of loving touch and feeling that he gives to him.

He didn't come here for own happiness, and now he's found so much of it right here in Blue and hangs onto it as if he wouldn't know what to do without it.

When Yzak starts to note those little telltale signs of exhaustion in Blue, he slows his roll so he doesn't overdo it - nor allow the other to overdo it either. And those apologies, while understood, are still unnecessary, as he knows Blue can't help it. And for Yzak himself ... there's no disappointment there, because just feeling him in his arms like this, trusting him, loving him, staying with him, that's more than enough to make him happy. ]

Hey.

[ He speaks after a couple of moments to let the other man take a few breaths and relax a little, words muffled against Blue's hair. ]

You good to sit up for just a moment? [ There's no urgency or rush to his voice. ]

[when he asks, Blue's first impulse is to resist - he's comfortable being held like this, likes the way Yzak always shifts to accommodate him, the way he reacts to what efforts Blue can offer...

but he's also not a brat, so:] Mn. [so he does stir, shifting and letting himself get sat up with the help.

was it over already? time always seems so fleeting, but even more in these kinds of moments.]

[ Don't worry, he's not going far.

Once Blue is upright, Yzak stands and briefly steps over to his dresser again, this time digging into one of the drawers to pull out his pair of soft, silky, pink pj's that are, of course, neatly folded.

Returning to the bedside and to Blue, he offers them out to him. ]

Here.

If you're staying and resting, you might as well be comfortable.

Ah.

[Blue smiles. ever-thoughtful, his Yzak. but of course! he'd counter... the dialog writes itself, really.

while taking them into his lap:] I already was, but...this will be better, yes. [...] Though the both of us ought to clean up first, yes?

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