ximilialog | exhale [open]

Entry tags:

exhale [open]

CHARACTERS: Blue, any
LOCATION: infirmary, mess hall, sun room, Blue's dormitory
DATE: post-mission
CONTENT: downtime (+dream/memshare option)
WARNINGS: mention of terminal illness, medical treatments/needles

Disorienting moments blurred together in the chaos in and outside of himself, with the context left only to his physical senses and the alarming news coming in from the earpiece. Blue can only hold on and endure as the train is rocked, as the car he's trapped in slows to a crawl, as the noise keeps coming in over the signal...

Until he doesn't. Until his eyes have to wince to readjust to the reflective surfaces and glaring light of Ximilia, until he must shudder and brace against the feeling of his psionics flooding back to him, bringing forth the anguish, fury, confusion, and betrayal flooding the place as much as the bodies. It leaves Blue in something of a shock - one that's well and fine to be ignored, since hard focus on him would likely just rattle him more, and anyway, his own attention keeps getting forcibly redirected toward a fairly unified notion.

Newt.

Newt, monsters...the roiling, gnashing form that bit back when he reached out - is that? What happened? He doesn't know. He just sees Newton getting carried away while he and the rest are left to linger undirected.

The exhaustion creeps back in steadily, bringing with it the old awareness of a failing body that must work harder for less of what's necessary. He puts up no audible fuss about having to be ferried to the infirmary, about getting pinched yet again with needles for fluids that compensate for what he can't intake himself, but his insides are raging. Bodily, he aches. Mentally, he is caging lions: Frustration bubbles over in the face of how unfair it is that he had been given time and means to stand on his own two feet and move about as a hale body, only to have no means or power to do much more than rummage a few suitcases. This isn't how Soldier Blue could help. Why did he have to have his psionics taken away.

It's infuriating to ruminate on, and that fury, while muted externally, still informs the way his brow knits, the way he goes still and quiet, bracing against shuddering, aching waves of discomfort. Now and then, it makes simple objects near him rattle or lift off surfaces just barely when his psionics are up and lacking any other means to vent.

It's worse when those psionics are off, when he feels himself alone in his own mind - that's when he tries to gravitate toward populated spaces: The infirmary, the mess, the sun room...somewhere with familiar-seeming people in that unfamiliar-seeming state of mind. The frustration remains, but at this point, that's familiar, too.

In those spaces, at least, his focus can be pulled outside of himself and toward others, regardless of if their feelings of frustration resonate with his or not. Sometimes he wants to commiserate...and sometimes he wants to simply try and take care of the burdens of others, to feel as though he can leave some good behind despite the decay he's saddled with.

That orb never did respond. Nothing changed. Not for the better, anyway. What else...is he supposed to do? It can't be to just die quietly; he won't allow that.

Just as before, more and more time will be spent bedridden than he'd like. In sleep, should there still be hours left with his psionics active, his mind can be pulled out and toward others at rest, too, and he may find himself walking their dreams just as much as his own. The bleed over doesn't even have to be terribly seamless, since to a sleeping mind, anything and nothing can make sense anyway.

He's just...there, now. There, somewhere with someone, be it happy or sad.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Blue's compelled to melt against him, but instead sits up, teasing Yzak with a little nudge to his nose with his own to coax him to scoot in or just outright switch seats to sit beside him on the bed.

it's easy to pick up on that train of thought, and so, amused:] You miss them? Those wings...

I'm sorry. Those are for dreams now. [have another kiss instead.]

[ Coaxed he is - easily, which is something obvious about Yzak once one gets to know him, but it's not like anybody else can do it particularly like this. So he does move, to get physically closer to Blue, leaving his water bottle behind. ]

Miss is a strong word. I think I can live without them in reality.

[ It's him who melts against Blue, now that he's settled in closer. Hand still clutching one of his, Yzak shuts his eyes softly when he kisses him again, holding it for longer, pressing in to deepen it. ]

... but they were rather nice. Those sorts of wings are beautiful already when they're small. [ On a butterfly. He feels his face heat up. ] So on you... they were even moreso.

[Blue's mouth parts for him, sighing against Yzak's while he winds his free arm around his shoulders.]

It's something of a marvel...to be thought of as beautiful by you. Even now. [he threads fingers through some of his hair.]

[ He takes full advantage of the invitation and slips his tongue between Blue's lips. But before he can properly relish in the feeling, Blue makes that remark and he thinks: ]

A marvel?

[ He pulls back, but only barely, to give him a hard stare. ]

Hardly...! It's just a fact; now, before, later, that's not a thought that's going to change. Not ... not in the least.

[Blue's left a little dazed by getting just a taste of that kiss before Yzak withdraws for more proclamations; his eyes flutter a bit, face flushed and mouth still parted for the beat it takes to get back on Yzak's wavelength.

when he does, his mouth twitches into a wan smile.]

Is that so. [famous last words, Yzak Jule.] One more...constant to rely on, then. I'll keep it in mind.

[ Famous Last Words is Yzak's middle name. ]

You'd better. [ Muttered low as he leans his chin back in some. ] Because it is.

[ It's what he wants, too. To be a constant, be relied on. To take these moments for himself but also to ensure Blue takes what he pleases from them, too. Yzak is more than willing to give him anything he wants, because doing so gives him his own fulfillment. A cycle of mutual love and affection feeding into each other.

His eyes fall to the flush on Blue's cheeks and the warm lips that he's eager to catch again, and Yzak feels himself get a little overwhelmed with the subject of how beautiful he is. ]

Especially right now...! With that sort of look on your face.

[it's rare for Blue to feel bashful, but being so brazenly admired like that can do it; he ducks his head a little, the smile spreading. he exorcises some of that feeling by way of slipping his fingers out of Yzak's hair to curl under his jaw and guide him back over, himself meeting him partway, bashfulness be damned.]

Kiss me a while? Just a little while...

[ Blue's beauty is one thing. But that bashfulness? Is just cute coming from him, who's always been able to stare Yzak straight in the eye and say such profound things that took his breath away - simultaneously scared the hell out of him and pulled him even deeper into the affections that had started to sprout.

That way he's also capable of looking into Yzak's eyes and saying those things, too, he's always found beautiful. Yzak never lied when Blue'd spoken of his physical state, of it not mattering to him how it looked, because it didn't and it doesn't. But he does consider it lucky, an extra little perk, even, that Blue just so happens to be this fuckin cute. The admiration he feels is pretty strong right now. All focus of it on Blue and Blue alone.

He lets out a breathy little noise through his mouth, amused but not quite a laugh. ]

"Just" a little while?

[ And just kissing? Let him at it for too long and he'll want more. He already kind of does, because that sheepish sort of look that Blue fixes him with is enticing. But of course right now, Yzak obliges what he's asked and is content with that much, content with whatever it is that Blue wants as he enthusiastically catches his lips again. ]

["just" a little while - much to Blue's chagrin more than Yzak's. for as taken by these strong feelings Yzak himself is, Blue is just as much and then some, coupled with the frustrations of being able to wholly embrace and express it as he wishes to. at least, for longer than a little while, there was chance to do exactly that on the mission, but it isn't so now. now, he can only manage "just" a little while, greedily indulging in Yzak's affections, pouring out as much as he can in turn before he's just too tired and can only rest in his lover's arms, murmured apologies shushed and diffused by the stubborn steadfastness of Yzak's care even when deterred.

he wasn't wrong to say as he did: despite the struggle, the sorrow...this isn't simply bearable, it's worthwhile. selfishly so.]

[ The waning of that bit of energy left in Blue isn't the greatest thing to experience alongside him. But Yzak still manages to do his best and take it in stride. It's cushioned by the way Blue manages to squeeze what he can out of it, returning every bit of loving touch and feeling that he gives to him.

He didn't come here for own happiness, and now he's found so much of it right here in Blue and hangs onto it as if he wouldn't know what to do without it.

When Yzak starts to note those little telltale signs of exhaustion in Blue, he slows his roll so he doesn't overdo it - nor allow the other to overdo it either. And those apologies, while understood, are still unnecessary, as he knows Blue can't help it. And for Yzak himself ... there's no disappointment there, because just feeling him in his arms like this, trusting him, loving him, staying with him, that's more than enough to make him happy. ]

Hey.

[ He speaks after a couple of moments to let the other man take a few breaths and relax a little, words muffled against Blue's hair. ]

You good to sit up for just a moment? [ There's no urgency or rush to his voice. ]

[when he asks, Blue's first impulse is to resist - he's comfortable being held like this, likes the way Yzak always shifts to accommodate him, the way he reacts to what efforts Blue can offer...

but he's also not a brat, so:] Mn. [so he does stir, shifting and letting himself get sat up with the help.

was it over already? time always seems so fleeting, but even more in these kinds of moments.]

[ Don't worry, he's not going far.

Once Blue is upright, Yzak stands and briefly steps over to his dresser again, this time digging into one of the drawers to pull out his pair of soft, silky, pink pj's that are, of course, neatly folded.

Returning to the bedside and to Blue, he offers them out to him. ]

Here.

If you're staying and resting, you might as well be comfortable.

Ah.

[Blue smiles. ever-thoughtful, his Yzak. but of course! he'd counter... the dialog writes itself, really.

while taking them into his lap:] I already was, but...this will be better, yes. [...] Though the both of us ought to clean up first, yes?

If ... you're feeling up enough to it.

[ He gives a small shrug of a shoulder. Blue's comfort is the more important thing here! When it's for his sake, Yzak finds himself a lot less fussy about things.

After he says that, he looks at Blue. If he's feeling up to it, he said ... well maybe if you weren't busy sucking face with him, Yzak, he wouldn't have gotten completely worn out. ]

. . .

[ He goes pink with that thought. ]

[it's such an easily-telegraphed thought that Blue can't help but chuckle a little, his own face still warm.]

I'll need some help, but...I think that would be best. Will it be alright?

[ He's noT WRONG, THOUGH, his lips are clearly too powerful.

And it's a good thing Yzak is already pink so he doesn't need to do that again. Instead he sniffs, still a bit awkward (always at least a little awkward) ]

Of course it's alright.

[ He offers out his hand for Blue to take. ]

[editor cue the montage so Tara doesn't have to write the excruciating suffering of Yzak Jule having to calm his shit down to have a bath with his tired man.

unless she wants to i'm not her BOSS gosh.

either way, Blue is patient and...slightly apologetic? but not entirely, because Yzak being extremely Yzak about everything is part of his charm.

after being helped into the tub:] If I tell myself...that I won't fall asleep in the water, then I won't. [that's how that works, right?] But if I do...pinch my arm.

[ The montage can be summed up with:

He's doing his best here, okay.

And Yzak being extremely Yzak means he's feeling apologetic for entirely different reasons. Those reasons being the way his mind is flying all over the place, as if slipping on spilled spaghetti. Thinking way too much about being respectable and polite and NOT making it weird, thus making it weird because then it's in his mind. And then mentally yelling at himself for making it weird and thinking too hard all over again. And it gets even worse, briefly, when Blue actually makes clear that he wants him to join him and keep him company. What a stupid, awkward mess of a man.

But Yzak is stubborn and determined and he keeps up the mental gymnastics until they do begin to calm down a little bit. Enough to focus on aiding Blue into the tub carefully. ]

I'll make sure you don't.

[ He would make a comment about how snoozing in a tub isn't THAT dangerous, unless one hurt themself or fell. But, it's Blue, so falling asleep for him could be heavy enough to be a bad time for him. Especially if they aren't even sure how hard he's going to crash from his little vitality boost. ]

[poor, poor Yzak. Blue is apparently something of a space-pasta fan.

once he's sat, he can scoot himself well enough and draw his knees up to make space.]

Come sit down, then. I can wash your back. [with something of a smirk:] And pinch you if you doze off.

[ Spaghetti will be served at their wedding, courtesy of Yzak.

As it stands right now, this whole endeavor will keep Yzak red as a beet, and even though the water is warm, he can't use that as an excuse because he's just that obvious. ]

I-I'm not going to doze off!

[ Stammering those words, he peers down at Blue making room for him. And then quickly, he makes work of his own clothes and plunks himself down into the tub. Nudity when sex? He's used to that by now (as much as he can be). Nudity when casual? New and thus awkward, for some reason! Someone is way too modest about this shit.

Once more skin is able to be seen, a few more fresh, but no longer bleeding, marks can be seen on his torso and his back. Much like the others, nothing bad or scar-worthy (like the ever present burn scar on the back of his upper left arm) from the kaiju bullshit. ]

Edited (m o r e) 2022-06-01 05:17 (UTC)

[true enough: they were a bit insatiable in that way, weren't they? so maybe the limits of Blue's own body is a boon in this case - he can actually stop to smell the roses instead of just...fucking them...,..

what's sobering now is seeing all the additional harm done to Yzak still fresh on his body; Blue utters a soft, troubled sound despite himself, reaching to lightly brush his fingers near the sight of some of those marks.]

My Yzak... Will it hurt? Even just cleaning up...

[ The touch gets him to straighten up, since he had settled down and hunched some, tense. Yzak looks over his shoulder at Blue, expression gentler but reassuring. The concern warms him in ways the simple water against his skin can't. ]

It's fine. I don't even feel anything.

[ He lifts an eyebrow. ] Does it not look that way? [ He can't really see himself! ]

It looks painful to me.

[but then, Mu are frailer in general, aren't they.]

Perhaps...you should see yourself to the infirmary sooner rather than later...

[ Yzak isn't the stubborn sort of person to brush off his injuries, because he knows the importance of needing to be in top shape and of taking care of himself. As a commander, he has to make sure he doesn't be stupid and ultimately drag his team down because of his own stubbornness. It's why he gets so constantly frustrated here, seeing many of his teammates do just that. It's a widespread concern and frustration, because it's not just a case of seeing his friends hurt that bothers him, it's the idea that if they don't take the proper care, it'll come back to bite them at the worst time. And if that happens, it not only puts them in danger, but it puts Yzak in danger. It puts the rest of the team in danger. It puts Blue in danger.

Truly, he thinks, he doesn't feel any of the small injuries, they're nothing that bother him or give him cause for concern. He's a Coordinator, he's made to be hardy ... but the care in Blue's voice is enough to sway him. Even if he's actually fine, if only to assuage Blue's worry... ]

Okay. I'll drop by shortly.

[ There's a small quirk at the corner of his mouth. ]

Even though I've been tended to quite well already. [ As evidenced by how much better his face and neck look.

... ] Thank you, for that.

[ And for caring this much about him. About him, of all people. ]

[likewise, on Blue's part...it's a relief to not be brushed off. how many times has he had to choke and swallow on his pride to tend to his own wounds? more often than not, it seems his primary job here...

Blue hums an acknowledging, grateful sound before setting to work carefully washing over those wounds. he doesn't need to take such care, he knows, but...Yzak's precious to him; it's only right to treat him as such. it's quiet, diligent work, but Blue's content to do it - to have the means to. if, somehow, he could fortify Yzak with an i-love-you in every gesture and touch, he would.

for now, the intention will have to do.]

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nfsw?? cuz hygiene requires no pants

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