sᴏʟᴅɪᴇʀ BLUE (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
firstroar) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
ximilialog2022-05-24 04:32 pm
firstroar) wrote in ximilialog2022-05-24 04:32 pm
exhale [open]
CHARACTERS: Blue, any
LOCATION: infirmary, mess hall, sun room, Blue's dormitory
DATE: post-mission
CONTENT: downtime (+dream/memshare option)
WARNINGS: mention of terminal illness, medical treatments/needles
Disorienting moments blurred together in the chaos in and outside of himself, with the context left only to his physical senses and the alarming news coming in from the earpiece. Blue can only hold on and endure as the train is rocked, as the car he's trapped in slows to a crawl, as the noise keeps coming in over the signal...
Until he doesn't. Until his eyes have to wince to readjust to the reflective surfaces and glaring light of Ximilia, until he must shudder and brace against the feeling of his psionics flooding back to him, bringing forth the anguish, fury, confusion, and betrayal flooding the place as much as the bodies. It leaves Blue in something of a shock - one that's well and fine to be ignored, since hard focus on him would likely just rattle him more, and anyway, his own attention keeps getting forcibly redirected toward a fairly unified notion.
Newt.
Newt, monsters...the roiling, gnashing form that bit back when he reached out - is that? What happened? He doesn't know. He just sees Newton getting carried away while he and the rest are left to linger undirected.
The exhaustion creeps back in steadily, bringing with it the old awareness of a failing body that must work harder for less of what's necessary. He puts up no audible fuss about having to be ferried to the infirmary, about getting pinched yet again with needles for fluids that compensate for what he can't intake himself, but his insides are raging. Bodily, he aches. Mentally, he is caging lions: Frustration bubbles over in the face of how unfair it is that he had been given time and means to stand on his own two feet and move about as a hale body, only to have no means or power to do much more than rummage a few suitcases. This isn't how Soldier Blue could help. Why did he have to have his psionics taken away.
It's infuriating to ruminate on, and that fury, while muted externally, still informs the way his brow knits, the way he goes still and quiet, bracing against shuddering, aching waves of discomfort. Now and then, it makes simple objects near him rattle or lift off surfaces just barely when his psionics are up and lacking any other means to vent.
It's worse when those psionics are off, when he feels himself alone in his own mind - that's when he tries to gravitate toward populated spaces: The infirmary, the mess, the sun room...somewhere with familiar-seeming people in that unfamiliar-seeming state of mind. The frustration remains, but at this point, that's familiar, too.
In those spaces, at least, his focus can be pulled outside of himself and toward others, regardless of if their feelings of frustration resonate with his or not. Sometimes he wants to commiserate...and sometimes he wants to simply try and take care of the burdens of others, to feel as though he can leave some good behind despite the decay he's saddled with.
That orb never did respond. Nothing changed. Not for the better, anyway. What else...is he supposed to do? It can't be to just die quietly; he won't allow that.
Just as before, more and more time will be spent bedridden than he'd like. In sleep, should there still be hours left with his psionics active, his mind can be pulled out and toward others at rest, too, and he may find himself walking their dreams just as much as his own. The bleed over doesn't even have to be terribly seamless, since to a sleeping mind, anything and nothing can make sense anyway.
He's just...there, now. There, somewhere with someone, be it happy or sad.
LOCATION: infirmary, mess hall, sun room, Blue's dormitory
DATE: post-mission
CONTENT: downtime (+dream/memshare option)
WARNINGS: mention of terminal illness, medical treatments/needles
Disorienting moments blurred together in the chaos in and outside of himself, with the context left only to his physical senses and the alarming news coming in from the earpiece. Blue can only hold on and endure as the train is rocked, as the car he's trapped in slows to a crawl, as the noise keeps coming in over the signal...
Until he doesn't. Until his eyes have to wince to readjust to the reflective surfaces and glaring light of Ximilia, until he must shudder and brace against the feeling of his psionics flooding back to him, bringing forth the anguish, fury, confusion, and betrayal flooding the place as much as the bodies. It leaves Blue in something of a shock - one that's well and fine to be ignored, since hard focus on him would likely just rattle him more, and anyway, his own attention keeps getting forcibly redirected toward a fairly unified notion.
Newt.
Newt, monsters...the roiling, gnashing form that bit back when he reached out - is that? What happened? He doesn't know. He just sees Newton getting carried away while he and the rest are left to linger undirected.
The exhaustion creeps back in steadily, bringing with it the old awareness of a failing body that must work harder for less of what's necessary. He puts up no audible fuss about having to be ferried to the infirmary, about getting pinched yet again with needles for fluids that compensate for what he can't intake himself, but his insides are raging. Bodily, he aches. Mentally, he is caging lions: Frustration bubbles over in the face of how unfair it is that he had been given time and means to stand on his own two feet and move about as a hale body, only to have no means or power to do much more than rummage a few suitcases. This isn't how Soldier Blue could help. Why did he have to have his psionics taken away.
It's infuriating to ruminate on, and that fury, while muted externally, still informs the way his brow knits, the way he goes still and quiet, bracing against shuddering, aching waves of discomfort. Now and then, it makes simple objects near him rattle or lift off surfaces just barely when his psionics are up and lacking any other means to vent.
It's worse when those psionics are off, when he feels himself alone in his own mind - that's when he tries to gravitate toward populated spaces: The infirmary, the mess, the sun room...somewhere with familiar-seeming people in that unfamiliar-seeming state of mind. The frustration remains, but at this point, that's familiar, too.
In those spaces, at least, his focus can be pulled outside of himself and toward others, regardless of if their feelings of frustration resonate with his or not. Sometimes he wants to commiserate...and sometimes he wants to simply try and take care of the burdens of others, to feel as though he can leave some good behind despite the decay he's saddled with.
That orb never did respond. Nothing changed. Not for the better, anyway. What else...is he supposed to do? It can't be to just die quietly; he won't allow that.
Just as before, more and more time will be spent bedridden than he'd like. In sleep, should there still be hours left with his psionics active, his mind can be pulled out and toward others at rest, too, and he may find himself walking their dreams just as much as his own. The bleed over doesn't even have to be terribly seamless, since to a sleeping mind, anything and nothing can make sense anyway.
He's just...there, now. There, somewhere with someone, be it happy or sad.
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He didn't come here for own happiness, and now he's found so much of it right here in Blue and hangs onto it as if he wouldn't know what to do without it.
When Yzak starts to note those little telltale signs of exhaustion in Blue, he slows his roll so he doesn't overdo it - nor allow the other to overdo it either. And those apologies, while understood, are still unnecessary, as he knows Blue can't help it. And for Yzak himself ... there's no disappointment there, because just feeling him in his arms like this, trusting him, loving him, staying with him, that's more than enough to make him happy. ]
Hey.
[ He speaks after a couple of moments to let the other man take a few breaths and relax a little, words muffled against Blue's hair. ]
You good to sit up for just a moment? [ There's no urgency or rush to his voice. ]
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but he's also not a brat, so:] Mn. [so he does stir, shifting and letting himself get sat up with the help.
was it over already? time always seems so fleeting, but even more in these kinds of moments.]
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Once Blue is upright, Yzak stands and briefly steps over to his dresser again, this time digging into one of the drawers to pull out his pair of soft, silky, pink pj's that are, of course, neatly folded.
Returning to the bedside and to Blue, he offers them out to him. ]
Here.
If you're staying and resting, you might as well be comfortable.
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[Blue smiles. ever-thoughtful, his Yzak. but of course! he'd counter... the dialog writes itself, really.
while taking them into his lap:] I already was, but...this will be better, yes. [...] Though the both of us ought to clean up first, yes?
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[ He gives a small shrug of a shoulder. Blue's comfort is the more important thing here! When it's for his sake, Yzak finds himself a lot less fussy about things.
After he says that, he looks at Blue. If he's feeling up to it, he said ... well maybe if you weren't busy sucking face with him, Yzak, he wouldn't have gotten completely worn out. ]
. . .
[ He goes pink with that thought. ]
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I'll need some help, but...I think that would be best. Will it be alright?
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And it's a good thing Yzak is already pink so he doesn't need to do that again. Instead he sniffs, still a bit awkward (always at least a little awkward) ]
Of course it's alright.
[ He offers out his hand for Blue to take. ]
nfsw?? cuz hygiene requires no pants
unless she wants to i'm not her BOSS gosh.
either way, Blue is patient and...slightly apologetic? but not entirely, because Yzak being extremely Yzak about everything is part of his charm.
after being helped into the tub:] If I tell myself...that I won't fall asleep in the water, then I won't. [that's how that works, right?] But if I do...pinch my arm.
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He's doing his best here, okay.
And Yzak being extremely Yzak means he's feeling apologetic for entirely different reasons. Those reasons being the way his mind is flying all over the place, as if slipping on spilled spaghetti. Thinking way too much about being respectable and polite and NOT making it weird, thus making it weird because then it's in his mind. And then mentally yelling at himself for making it weird and thinking too hard all over again. And it gets even worse, briefly, when Blue actually makes clear that he wants him to join him and keep him company. What a stupid, awkward mess of a man.
But Yzak is stubborn and determined and he keeps up the mental gymnastics until they do begin to calm down a little bit. Enough to focus on aiding Blue into the tub carefully. ]
I'll make sure you don't.
[ He would make a comment about how snoozing in a tub isn't THAT dangerous, unless one hurt themself or fell. But, it's Blue, so falling asleep for him could be heavy enough to be a bad time for him. Especially if they aren't even sure how hard he's going to crash from his little vitality boost. ]
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once he's sat, he can scoot himself well enough and draw his knees up to make space.]
Come sit down, then. I can wash your back. [with something of a smirk:] And pinch you if you doze off.
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As it stands right now, this whole endeavor will keep Yzak red as a beet, and even though the water is warm, he can't use that as an excuse because he's just that obvious. ]
I-I'm not going to doze off!
[ Stammering those words, he peers down at Blue making room for him. And then quickly, he makes work of his own clothes and plunks himself down into the tub. Nudity when sex? He's used to that by now (as much as he can be). Nudity when casual? New and thus awkward, for some reason! Someone is way too modest about this shit.
Once more skin is able to be seen, a few more fresh, but no longer bleeding, marks can be seen on his torso and his back. Much like the others, nothing bad or scar-worthy (like the ever present burn scar on the back of his upper left arm) from the kaiju bullshit. ]
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what's sobering now is seeing all the additional harm done to Yzak still fresh on his body; Blue utters a soft, troubled sound despite himself, reaching to lightly brush his fingers near the sight of some of those marks.]
My Yzak... Will it hurt? Even just cleaning up...
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It's fine. I don't even feel anything.
[ He lifts an eyebrow. ] Does it not look that way? [ He can't really see himself! ]
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[but then, Mu are frailer in general, aren't they.]
Perhaps...you should see yourself to the infirmary sooner rather than later...
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Truly, he thinks, he doesn't feel any of the small injuries, they're nothing that bother him or give him cause for concern. He's a Coordinator, he's made to be hardy ... but the care in Blue's voice is enough to sway him. Even if he's actually fine, if only to assuage Blue's worry... ]
Okay. I'll drop by shortly.
[ There's a small quirk at the corner of his mouth. ]
Even though I've been tended to quite well already. [ As evidenced by how much better his face and neck look.
... ] Thank you, for that.
[ And for caring this much about him. About him, of all people. ]
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Blue hums an acknowledging, grateful sound before setting to work carefully washing over those wounds. he doesn't need to take such care, he knows, but...Yzak's precious to him; it's only right to treat him as such. it's quiet, diligent work, but Blue's content to do it - to have the means to. if, somehow, he could fortify Yzak with an i-love-you in every gesture and touch, he would.
for now, the intention will have to do.]
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It's... nice. Yzak feels himself grow more content, like a cat being lavished with affection. And he's not the one here who's weary or exhausted or worried about dozing, yet this kind of comfort almost makes him want to relax and do just that.
Stress built up in his muscles melts away little by little as his mind wanders. Still red and unsure and somewhat awkward because he's Him, Yzak wonders if this sort of thing is common for couples to do? He has no idea, at this point. Many of his expectations have long gone out the window after meeting Blue. But maybe that's exactly the point, that there should be no solid expectations to have, that whatever blooms around them as a result of their particular connection is uniquely just theirs.
He's always been used to structure and expectation, so unknowns are still something he's adapting to. Blue makes it easier to, since he'll basically do anything for him. And the idea of discovering what else they create together between them, how else their affections for one another manifest ... it's kind of exciting.
He's never felt excited about being in love before. Only the opposite; apprehensive, nervous, self sabotaging exactly because those expectations weren't something that he wanted for himself. ]
...I'm thinking way too much right now, aren't I.
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[he withdraws the cloth he'd been using, setting it on an edge of the basin so he has free hands to turn himself - his turn, right?]
But it is exciting, isn't it? Not having to worry about that.
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Yzak moves a little faster than Blue when he turns, on the off chance that he needed a hand with doing that - but all's well.
It is exciting ... but the subject does draw out a few stray thoughts. Not terrible ones, but ones that surfaced as of recent. Comparison and self-consciousness ... he sees what others do, even others here. How much easier it all seems for them; lack of bashfulness when others are around them, senses of humor and laughter that Yzak knows he lacks in ways, easy and loud declarations of their partner's beauty and the love held for them without so much as a blush. Things Blue could have had in abundance, things he still can have, if he ever decided that he wanted it, if Yzak couldn't provide enough. He wants to, because he doesn't want to be a disappointment, as is the case with every aspect of his life. ]
When you put it that way, yes.
Difficult as it is, sometimes, not to.
[ Because he knows Blue can hear and feel all of that. ]
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Blue closes his eyes, still save for whatever Yzak does that stirs him. his spine is more pronounced in his back than before, his pale skin marred by blue veins...but his flesh still yields color to the warmth and care. yet despite that warmth, he still shivers now and then.]
It would aggravate you to know end...knowing all my thoughts. The ones you had no solutions for, at least. Searching for solutions, puzzling the pathways to them...that's what you do. It doesn't feel good to have something you're so good at be denied.
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It probably would piss me off endlessly. [ He can concede that much. ] But ... it's not as though you have solutions to every thought of mine. [ His voice grows softer. ] And I've never forgotten what you once said. That whatever resides within me, regardless of if you can do anything for it, you still want to know and share it so I don't carry it alone.
... I want to do the same for you.
[ It's not just the way he can see his spine so much clearer than he recently could, but everything else as well. The sharpness of his shoulderblades and the bones of his hips beneath the water. The outline of his ribs when he turns this way or that... and the scarring from Badrock.
He carefully works over his skin with the cloth, as though pressing too hard might break him, but by now Yzak's grown accustomed to Blue's body and what those limits are. He focuses on the task meticulously as he speaks, eventually slowing and gently pressing his other hand against the skin of his back when he shivers. ]
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Blue exhales heavily, his shoulders sagging before he tilts his head up and back in order to find a way to graze Yzak's temple with his own.]
In my heart, there is a storm. It's swirling around the memory of...being able to love you in a body that wasn't collapsing on itself. For a little while...I forgot about it. I could put that shadow aside...
And now I can feel the weight again...and it's infuriating.
[his mouth twitches.]
I wish I could do as Peter suggested... Throw things, break things...scream...
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And it's as Blue said ... there isn't a solution Yzak can provide for this, no way that he can calm that storm in his heart. But at the very least he can stand within it beside him so he doesn't endure it by himself. He wishes he could do more, and he's Yzak so he always wishes that, but this much ... maybe it's still something. Enough for now, enough within the limits of what he can do. As much as he loathes those limits himself.
He knows, too, that even though he's said before that Blue's affection meant more to him than his physical state, that that proclamation on its own can't ease the frustrations in him. Because they extend far beyond just this. Yzak whined enough on their last mission about losing what made him a Coordinator, about feeling "weaker," as it were. Compared to what Blue's been going through... ]
Ultimately it's probably useless to do.
[ He admits, because he's not going to lie about it. Yelling, angry, breaking something? That was very much his brand and still is, in ways, though he's less horrible about it now. ]
But it feels good in the moment when you need to let it out. So I sure as hell wouldn't stop you, if you got the chance to.
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It would be nice... Either way... I realized...this pain... It's not a punishment. [he opens his eyes, trying to perceive some of Yzak without moving much. he brings his hands up and rests them on Yzak's wrists.]
It's...part of this. Fighting and clawing and scraping...for the chance to have quiet, good moments... It's...human, isn't it. Everyone's fighting...for their own happiness, too...
So no matter how frustrating...how infuriating it is... It's proof of living...
[amused:] Bitter consolation, hmh...?
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And, one would think the combining both of their similar-and-yet-different storms wouldn't feel so great. But there is a consolation there in hearing and taking on some of Blue's pains, sharing them with him though unable to do much beyond that. But it's enough to lift a small weight within Yzak and slightly eases his own troubles. He's grateful that he's shared this with him. Because this is what he wants as his partner, the painful as much as the good.
When Blue rests his hands over his wrists, it prompts him to tighten his hold around him. An easy action to take to envelope his thin frame in his arms. He tucks his chin in to bury the bottom half of his face into the crook of Blue's neck. He'll feel Yzak's mouth twitch a little against his skin at that last remark. Bitter consolation, huh... ]
You're right about that.
All of it.
[ Even so, Yzak doesn't quite enjoy how much more Blue has to claw and scrape for even the simplest things. But that he looks at it the way he does ... it's admirable, a strength of spirit that reminds Yzak of why he loves him so much. ]
And I'll keep fighting for that. Not just my own happiness, but yours, too. And anything it entails, because yours is as much my own.
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