ximilialog | Feb Log

Of course I am.

[ He hopes that telltale confidence in his tone is enough to assure him. Even though he can't help but frown in response to this happening, knowing what it does to Blue. He was quite literally hitting the point of his heart feeling like it was going to explode out of his chest, about to pull his face away to catch his breath, but this sedates Yzak some. So as he doesn't even register the way his hand instinctively squeezes Blue's back along with those words, he keeps his gaze steady on him. ]

You okay?

[is he? he's...unnerved. suddenly losing such a crucial sense in this moment is definitely throwing him off-balance, but...Yzak is still here, still present. their hands still fit the same way.

this flickering is the price to pay, Viveca said. the cost of being alive.

so this is...the cost of even having a moment like this.]

...I am. I'm...still here, too.

[ Can't believe these orbs are cockblockers too smdh. ]

You are.

[ There's a stretch of silence after that, before his eyes move back down to their hands.

And then, somewhat strained: ] I'm ... glad for that. [ Because he totally just thought that, and then realized, oh, Blue wouldn't be able to hear it. So repeating it outloud feels like a lot, especially since the feelings that come along with those words are so strong, too. ]

But I'm still sorry, too. [ That this is what he had to pay. ]

[Blue's expression softens out of the tension the shift had caused; he reaches up with his unencumbered hand to cup Yzak's cheek.]

Will it...be alright? If I can't know...what you want right away.

[was that the real draw for Yzak? someone who could follow those racing thoughts, rise above the muck of doubt and find the heart of things. to know not to balk at his fussing or scoffs, to know what he wants from him when it happens.

he can only guess now from their limited interactions...is that enough? he's not as good a chess player, after all.]

[ At first, when Blue places that hand on his face, Yzak assumes he's simply trying to keep himself close, that the touch helps assure him that it's okay, that he's still here...

And then he blinks when he hears that, looking back up at him, perplexed. ]

—Hah? What kind of question is that!?

[ Blue's worrying about that right now? ]

Why ... why wouldn't this be alright!?

[Blue flushes a shade darker, part of his expression obscured by their hands when he dips his head.]

I won't know...what you're thinking. Or feeling. Not unless I see it...or...hear it, I suppose. Outwardly. [look. it's too level a playing field here; he's never been involved with a human as a human!]

[ When he does that, Yzak tugs at his hand to pull it down between them, still holding onto it. ]

So what!

[ He tilts his head, brow furrowing. Sure, when this happens, Blue won't be able to read him so easily, and Yzak gets why that's painful for him as a Mu, but it won't last forever, will it? He'll be able to again, eventually. Does Blue think this is a problem for him?

One good thing is that when Yzak gets like this, he doesn't shy away from it. So with their hands not obstructing Blue's face anymore, he stares directly, intensely at him. ]

Maybe I should be asking you that; will it be alright for you?

[Blue's mouth opens and closes without an immediate answer, somewhat paralyzed by the tables being turned on him. his own gaze isn't nearly so unyielding now, instead flitting downward as he tries to find the answer in himself. it's hard to grasp, just as he keeps...reaching in the dark for a sense that's slipped away from him. his stabilizing ground, his security...

no wonder doubts are so prevalent within people, between people.

he looks back up at that intense pair of eyes, feeling fresh goosebumps.]

...I don't know. I...don't think I'll know...until I'm there. [his mouth twitches a little.] I'm a little frightened...of doing wrong, unknowingly.

[ He's not drawn back much himself, but that hand in his hair has slowly snaked its way down the back of Blue's neck and now moves to rest over the soft fabric of the robe on his shoulder. Eyes still sharp and locked on him, they soften a little, because obviously those concerns aren't new to him. But they're something frightening and new for Blue. ]

Why do you think I asked you, back then? To not forget that I can't read and know nearly as much as you can. To speak to your own thoughts.

Everyone is afraid of that.

[ Especially him. His own raw, occasionally ugly and pre-assessed thoughts that bubble up can't be hidden. Even if Yzak himself knows those thoughts aren't always reflective of a person. That's something Blue clearly has to know, too. Still, he asked that in the first place because he's scared of the same thing. ]

[he smiles a shade sheepish, nodding a little. funny: he rarely feels shame for himself when he has so much insight, but lacking it...well, he's a little lost, isn't he?

but not completely untethered.

his eyes flit back up once more, a meek tilt to his head before he lifts his chin.]

That's true. It was always true here. I'll just...do as you asked me to do before. That much won't change.

Good.

And it's like I said. [ When Blue confirmed what was happening to him, that it was going to last. ] That includes ... telling me what I can do, when this happens. [ If he can do anything at all, still occasionally feeling at a loss there. ] I did just say I'm here for whatever you need.

But more to the point! I think by now you know me pretty well! So you don't have to worry about that so much. Really, asking me if it's okay when you should be focusing on yourself when this happens ... why would you do that?

[why?

Blue tilts his head a little.]

Because...I already know how I feel. I'm in my own head. [alone. no one else in here anymore. it's lonely.] I can't know...what's changing in you...when I lose that sense.

Not unless you show me.

[he hesitates, mouth twitching.] We're...going in circles, aren't we. It just boils down to how to communicate, how much...

Rest assured that nothing's going to change in me that fast.

[ Still clasping Blue's hand, he brings it closer to himself, looking to the side. Because, he knows,,, ]

But I'll ... do my due diligence where that's concerned. [ He's been trying, at least. Even if Blue's psionics always made that so much easier. This ... gives him more of a chance to gain a natural hold on what he's feeling, what he's showing.

The fingers around Blue's hand curl a little tighter again. ]

So to properly answer your question, yes, it'll be alright.

—And I mean that!! Even if you can't feel it! You'll feel it later anyway to see that I do!

[the smile grows more grateful, and Blue breathes out a gentle, happy sound as he bobs his head in a nod. despite every speedbump, Yzak has been nothing but forthright, and so willing to accommodate him. him, this frail, failing creature...it's absurd to think, but it is a credit to Yzak's kindness.

~~and his attraction, but look. self-depreciation first, laws of nature second.~~

Blue's so fortunate. how could he imagine care like this from anyone not Mu? certainly not before Ximilia.]

I really am...so lucky to know you. More than I can really say. Thank you. [he leans in to kiss him.] Thank you.

... Like you're the only one, there.

[ He mutters back, returning that with a less needy, more gentle (but still firm!) kiss. Same sentiment, only in Yzak's still choppy way of expressing it in words. He does hope Blue can adjust to this over time ... even if he still has a lot of adjusting to do himself, still.

Feeling lucky to know him back feels like an understatement. Where would he be now otherwise, if he hadn't? Still void of all of these feelings he barred himself from having. Glad for them now.

... he's also just a liiiiiiiiiiiittle selfishly glad Blue can't hear his thoughts right now. Because he idly wonders to himself, do Mu have their own kind of courtship rituals? Haha what a thought haha maybe he'll ask about that later haha maybe he's having this thought for a reason haha. ]

[it may still be daunting, but there's a different kind of comfort in connecting to Yzak in this way with the absence of psionics. trusting his heart to be true in action and word, believing in those convictions by merit of the past and present. losing himself this way now is...interesting: responses from Yzak are more of a guess and surprise one way or another, especially when Blue eventually parts and scoots back to lie down, keeping hold of Yzak's hand.]

Lay back with me?

[ Yzak hardly needs to be asked; when Blue shifts back and makes no move to let go of his hand, he twists himself and lets it easily be pulled along, as if magnetized.

Still, Yzak lets out an affirmative little sound and nods as he properly slides back to comfortably settle himself down next to him. He reclines onto his back, remaining there for now and turning his head to look at Blue. ]

Does it usually last long? When this happens. [ When the psionics flicker out. He doubts it's on a schedule, but wonders how often he's left with and without it. ]

[Blue shifts, turning himself to face him after pulling some covers over them in a faint echo of what Yzak did when they were last sharing the bed.

afterward:] ...I don't remember. Waiting out the last times, I...I can't tell how long they were. Some of them...I didn't think were really happening, but...they must've been.

[he unlaces their fingers to wind his arm across Yzak's waist and scoot closer.]

[ Yzak makes a few careful movements himself when Blue presses against him. Still on his back, he shifts up the tiniest bit, so one arm can wind under Blue's neck and around his shoulders to pull him in closer still, bring his head to rest on his chest (sorry for! the speeding heartrate!). He places his other hand over the arm around his waist. Even though he's shared space with Blue like this since they've been back at least once before, compared to Badrock ... he's glad to feel this warmth against him again. ]

Well. Hopefully it won't be for long this time.

[it doesn't take much coaxing to bring Blue in, his ear to that insane drumming in Yzak's chest. he draws a slow breath, letting it out just as slowly as he wills his body to relax out of the achy tension it involuntarily curls up into when left idle. his mouth quirks a bit when he feels the little reaction that comes from splaying his fingers along Yzak's side. it'd be better if it was just his skin, but this is fine enough.

he hums a gentle affirmative to the hope, hesitating before shifting a little again. he doesn't mean to have to fluff around, but he's an achy, bony person. eventually he shifts, propping himself up on both hands on either side of Yzak, smiling apologetically with a warm face. by now his hair's gotten some of its body back, but it's kind of mussy from the scattered handling.

his excuse for this:] I can't see you...like that. [so he lowers himself back down, slowly folding his arms on Yzak's chest and resting his chin atop them.] Is this alright? For a little while. [he'll inevitably get fidgety again.]

[ ........ cute.

Even if the way when Blue shifts and squirms, he can feel the occasional bony knee against his leg or elbow against his arm when he starts to settle himself down again. It's nothing to him, though, he simply accommodates, fine with it until Blue's comfortable.

That also just makes his chest hammer more, and he's back to his normal bullshit now, so he's going red. But once Blue's situated, he tips his his head down to look back at him, expression softer than usual. A hand comes up to rest in that slightly disheveled hair of his, the other resting on his lower back, still careful not to brush against an injury. ]

O-of course it's fine. However you want.

... for a long as you want.

[Blue smiles a little broader, face flush.]

Not too long, I think. When you touch my hair like that...it just makes me want to kiss you more.

[even without psionics he can be this blunt.]

[ This is feelings terrorism. Still red, one of those fingers in his hair twitch. ]

Like I'd ever stop you from doing that...

[ The hand doesn't move, though. In fact, his fingertips gently move in little circles against his scalp. This smooch house is open for him 24/7. ]

Hmh...

[he closes his eyes, tilting his head a little toward the touch, almost akin to a happy cat. the tingles it sends down his spine, even under the weight of that other arm...it's nice. safe. even in the absence of intention, the intent is still there. this is just...how humans interact fully.

or should... he can't say anything like this gets around to happening in such a sterile society curated by efficiency-minded machines.

that notion's far from the forefront for now, because eventually Blue does unfold his arms to scoot in and kiss him again, feeling his own chest tighten with the feeling.]

[ Even though Blue can't feel it the normal way, hopefully he can feel through Yzak's ease now that he's glad he seems to be feeling a little better despite his psionics going on the fritz.

He pulls in a deep breath and melts into the kiss with a tender reciprocation. Though, he thinks to himself, it is a little wack that the psionics being out means they can't talk like this.

Still, Blue being, staying content is more important than that, so Yzak's willing to help there how he can. Maybe he is able to do something after all. ]

Feb Log

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