[open] my soul is the color of ice and snow

[calmness]

CHARACTERS: lan xichen and YOU
LOCATION: around the ship
DATE: all after february 21st
CONTENT: simulation of cloud recess with totally not real rabbits that wear headbands, magical healing music, and a bit of sad time drinking. everything is about poorly coping.
WARNINGS: will update as i go, post-mission sadness ahead

time on the back hills (pets are forbidden)

[for an afternoon, those wishing to step into the simulation room will find it occupied and the scene before them as they step through the doors a pathway that leads them through a compound in the mountains. here winter turns to spring, blossoms bloom on trees still surrounded by sporadic piles of snow.

xichens them at the head of the path that leads them down past a waterfall and a pool, winding through the compound.] Come. Let me show you something.

[once on the way, xichen leads the two them through winding pathways and down a narrow path through a thick tree-line until they emerge on a grassy hill that is seems empty and covered in small patches of snow. the only notable thing there is a large rabbit-hutch standing under a tree, providing shade for the sunny field. xichen makes his way to the hutch, where he's left a basket full of vegetables -- carrots, lettuce, beets.

anyone approaching will soon realise that some of the white puffs of snow are not snow at all, but white rabbits of various sizes. some of them, surprisingly, wear a similar headband to the one xichen wears across his forehead.] Join me? [xichen calls over his shoulder, motioning them closer to the hutch.] They're friendly and easily won over, but I must warn you, they have a poor sense of boundaries. [he tips his head toward the basket of food, bribes for the rabbits.]

I used to take my nephew to this place after a difficult time. [he says after a while, in lieu of explanation for why he's created this particular vision for them all. rabbits are great for stress, you see. and that he equates some of you as needing the same soothing as a toddler once did.]

the song of clarity

[in the sunlight room, soft chords can be heard by anyone who passes through or wishes a moment of calm. xichen settles in a shady spot with his guqin, newly acquired and not quite tuned in the way he'd like. not that anyone unfamiliar could tell.

he sends a quick message to the network before he begins playing, a warning and also an invitation.] I am playing a song of Clarity the sunlight room, for those interested. If you have been feeling anxious or ill-at-ease, or unable to rest, the music is infused with Qi and will help ease your mind. I will play for anyone who needs it.

[the music floats through the room, the notes of the qin accompanied by sounds pulled forth by pale blue energy as he strikes each chord so it seems like he is accompanying himself with his flute. he has rested enough, slept most of the days since their return, that his energy levels are returning to their pre-mission state. not normal, no, but good enough that he can play. it helps too, serves as a distraction from the way things ended in scorpion's bend where the left a man to his seclusion.

that is a future xichen knows well, though he is pushing those exact thoughts out as he plays.

company is welcome and xichen plays the song all the way through regardless of when company joins him. as it comes to a close, he opens his eyes and looks at his companion.] Do you feel alright?

late nights musings and moping

[as it was for many, the mission was not an easy one for xichen. the conclusion, knowing that ford is left alone and the orb acted for its own entertainment leaves a hole in xichen's heart.

it makes anger boil in his chest, leaves him tossing and turning after exhaustion fades away. so instead of resting, he wanders the halls of the ship in the night. sometimes he is found on the observation deck, looking out at the stars with the corners of his lips pulled downward in a frown and brows creased in muted anger.

other times, deep in the night, he wanders to the kitchens and brews himself a cup of tea as he bends himself over a book that he is not truly reading. if pulled from his reading, he looks up at whatever poor soul enters the kitchen at this hour.] Would you like a cup? [there's still a good amount of tea in the pot next to him, a special blend from braccia for those who may recognize it. after a moment, he speaks again.] Or something stronger?


wild card!

[ooc: feel free to throw some variation of these my way or let me know if you'd like something else at grimm#9436 on discord or on plurk!]

Comments

[calmness]

[xichen wonders if she's asleep for a moment, as he slides his hands over the strings and forces them to finally still. the air around them is calm, the sense of peace settling into their space.

even as the one playing, the song leaves him feeling lighter than he after they'd returned to the station. he'd felt raw then, lost. rest had helped, but not for long.] Thank you. I have had a bit of practice. [at least with this song. he frowns at that, shaking himself out of a sudden thought.

he wonders what it would have done for mingjue, if it would have prolonged his life a few more years if jin guangyao had not been playing a twisted version for him when xichen was not present. andy's question pulls him from those thoughts.

the precepts demand honesty and while xichen is good at sidestepping those, he doesn't this time.] To say I am fine would be a lie. I am processing it all still.

The end was... [difficult. horrible. a view of his future.] Cruel. To Ford, to anyone who may fear loneliness.

[oiorpata]

[ she almost falls asleep. if he'd kept playing, she might have. andy can and has fallen asleep in so many places, comfort is not always an issue - though she is clearly quite comfortable, given she's still laying down. ]

[ she's been thinking about the end of the mission more than she would care to admit herself. just not so much in fear as remembrance. she wanted to maintain that disconnect, but it's harder, when she does actually know the longevity and future ford faces. and she's never met anyone else who has. ]

Loneliness is a pretty common experience and fear. Ford didn't deserve it.

[calmness]

They are. [and there are few in the world comfortable with that loneliness. though he knows that the immortals of his own world, up in their mountains, are also often doomed to it.] And he didn't. To have an eternity ahead of him, alone with the knowledge of what happened and what'd he'd done...

In my home, immortality is an achievement that cultivators chase, but that sort of fate--- [he cuts himself off, shakes his head.] I wonder if those who cultivate to immortality find it worth it.

[oiorpata]

[ eternity is a concept andy is all too familiar with, not that xichen knows just how deeply. what awaits ford - she's already lived it and the hollowness it comes with. she has her family now, but she lived centuries alone before she found anyone else like her. she lived alone longer than she's known joe and nicky. ]

[ she closes her eyes again, like it'll stave off thoughts of ford. instead she tries to focus on what xichen explains about cultivation, the idea of chasing it willingly. humans have long lusted after immortality but andy thinks they're all fucking stupid for it. ]

Doesn't really seem like it'd be worth it to me.

[calmness]

Why not? [he asks after a moment, taking a deep breath.] For a cultivator, it is the attainment of all we are striving for. [balance, the loss of all earthly distraction.

it is a sign of power, of near divinity. it is hubris to chase it, yes, but expected in his case. like many things were once expected of lan xichen, a man who was crushed under the expectations and yet still cannot let them go.]

[oiorpata]

[ again, she lets silence hang in the air for a moment or two, struggling with how to explain exactly why she doesn't think immortality is worth it, without opening herself up for interrogation. andy knows it's not worth it, from experience she doesn't want to share. ]

Have you ever thought about how long forever is?

[calmness]

[that's a puzzling question because he has, yes, but for xichen written histories are only hundreds of years. their stories reach beyond that, the creatures that inhabit his world are older in many cases but xichen has not met another immortal.

others have, but that does not help him conceptualize it himself.] I have. [and honest answer, before he follows up.] But what lies beyond a few hundred years, I cannot fathom.

[oiorpata]

[ he's told her here about the ultimate goal of cultivation, but many people can understand immortality in concept without actually grasping the time of it. he says he's considered it, and maybe he has, but if he's not dissuaded she's not sure he really does get it. ]

[ but it's not like she's met many people who do. ]

Forever goes beyond hundreds. Imagine all you'd have to live with. What Ford is facing. I don't really see what's to gain out of living for a thousand years.

[calmness]

We can die still if we choose to. [he clarifies after a moment.] A cultivator who can sustain immortality can stop cultivating and training, they will fade if they grow tired of it.

[it isn't done, but it is possible.] What I would have to live with already, that is what has me doubting it is worth it and yet it is what all of this is for.

[it would be a waste otherwise, he hears the voices of his elders say.]

[oiorpata]

And do they? Or do they just suffer for their supposed power?

[ she wonders if it would make a difference, to be given that choice. to be able to cast aside her own immortality whenever she felt like it. would she be long gone already? would she have given it up before she even met the others? ]

[ but that's the point, according to nicky. they're meant to find each other. andy is still tired though, she's been tired a long time. ]

You're smart to think about it that way. What you go through, what's lost. That would all stick around forever too. That's what makes Ford's situation so fucked up.

[calmness]

I have not heard of it being done. Baoshan Sanren remains secluded on her mountain, teaching others the path to achieve it. [in a place where it is cold, where life is slowed down and time trickles by.] Would you give it up? If you had such a power?

[he tilts his head, wondering what it is about this topic that has her so impassioned. As he knows her, andy has been very relaxed in all things. Except her appreciation of weaponry and battle, but that is a different sort of passion.] He will have eternity to consider what he has lost and what he did. Some would find that poetic justice but… they do not face the possibility of it becoming reality.

[oiorpata]

Probably. [ it's not an immediate answer, but it comes quickly. ]

[ she's just so tired. it's repetition in her head, a constant drum of fatigue beating louder in the wake of ford's future. ]

It's not justice. It's the orb being a dick.

[calmness]

[ xichen hums in response, brow lifting to glance over andy. it is a quick answer, given as if she has given it no thought at all or too much thought at another time. ] Then you are stronger than most.

[ at that he nods. ] I whole-heartedly agree.

[oiorpata]

[ what are you talking about xichen, there is nothing suspicious to be had here. andy is just a regular girl with a nostalgia for old chinese instruments and a deep seated dislike of immortality. it's fine. ]

[ she shrugs at the strong comment. it's not like she's had a choice in her own life. ] And how old is your oldest Cultivator?

Have they outlived everyone they once knew, like Ford will for centuries?

[calmness]

[ the suspicion remains, sorry.

he contemplates that question, brows furrowing. ] Yes, there are some that are hundreds of years old. Some are without those they once new, others cultivated with partners.

They worry you? [ she seems very concerned for them. ]

[oiorpata]

[ babies. hundreds of years?? if only she could be that young. she doesn't know if it's a relief or jealousy to hear such a smaller number. ]

[ but, she supposes, it does become more bearable with a partner. a team. ]

I don't think worry is the right word. I just can't understand why someone would choose it so willingly.

[calmness]

It is a cumulation of a lifetime of cultivation, a sign that one has reached purity of the soul. [ nobly worded, yes, but what it is isn't always so noble. ] They are the wise ones of our world, the strongest amongst us.

If one wants to look at it as a self-less achievement. [ because they can and are seen as nearly gods for it. ]

[oiorpata]

And who decides what makes a soul pure? [ just gonna keep bringing in those hard hitting questions. she's had a lot of time to mull this shit over, okay?? ]

[ she's been a god, it's not all that great in the end. ]

I've just seen power corrupt far too many times.

[calmness]

The Taoists who cultivated to immortality first, who rid themselves of earthly attachment and who discovered spiritual cultivation. [ he says after a while, brows knit together. ]

I have as well, too many times. It is not all so simple but those seeking power do not achieve what I am talking about without the cost of their soul altogether. [ a pause, when he realizes that it sounds all metaphorical. ] In the literal sense.

[oiorpata]

[ it's very spiritualistic for a situation andy finds to be the opposite. she might have thought it so once upon a time, even might have believed it was something of the gods, a gift and blessing upon her, but now it's only a burden. ]

Go too far, lose your literal soul? At least there's some kind of check on it.

[calmness]

[ xichen nods, expression turning grim. ] Lose themselves to insanity at the very least.

The world demands a price and balance.

[oiorpata]

[ the world demands a lot of things, but andy's not really sure either of them are in a good place to really delve into that. she's already back to feeling melancholy over what ford dredged up, which isn't unusual for her, but she does miss the floaty calm from earlier. ]

It always does. You find any good ways to balance it out?

[calmness]

[ for that, xichen does have an answer. he lifts his hands and strums two strings on the qin he's been ignoring this whole time. ] Clarity. Playing music will keep the madness at bay.

And good for those wishing to simply rest. [ and with that, well, it's a good opportunity to play again. ] Shall I play another round? [ but before she answers, he's already starting the slow start to a familiar melody to bring back ease and and peace. ]

[oiorpata]

Well, I'm not going to say no to that.

[ she likes the sound of it even without the magic or whatever infused, the quiet and the calm and the aching familiarity alone allows andy to relax. it's welcome after their conversation too, so she's pretty content to just sit in the silence and let him play for a while. ]