ximilialog | Feb Log

It isn't locked.

[Athrun's answer comes after a few moments of quiet, lost in whatever he'd been up to. The door will open without issue when Yzak tries it, and he'll find the room dimly lit, with Athrun kneeling on the floor in front of a makeshift shrine pieced together with a set of stools and whatever he'd managed to scrape up to make it look decent and respectful. A few candles are burning in an arrangement around the center, with incense filling the room with a subtle scent. He has no photos here, no imagery of the losses they'd suffered back then or even now, so in the center of the shrine is his ZAFT jacket, folded up with the emblem facing upwards. It isn't much, but it's the best he can do.]

[ As he's opening the door: ] Anybody can just walk right in and hassle you, like this!

[ And somebody just did! (though he !!OBVIOUSLY!! didn't mean himself when he said that)

Once Yzak steps in - thankfully free of a full on bandage on his face, just a couple of steri strips over the wounds near his eye by this point - he pauses as his gaze fall on the set-up.

Ah.

A few beats of silence, before his voice, almost reflexively drops a little (for now). ]

... I shouldn't be surprised, that you did something like this.

[ He wasn't sure what he expected, but it wasn't this. ]

It's alright if you are. I don't often let anyone see me grieve.

[He's private with it, more often than not. He used to hate that this day was ruined by his memories and his loss when he was with Cagalli, when it was supposed to be something celebrated and romantic. She understood of course - after Bloody Valentine, it was never the same even on Earth but especially in Orb where such a high population of Coordinators lived - but she deserved more than his quiet contemplation and isolating behaviour that day. It isn't as if no one understood him. Plenty of people lost family in the war. The sea of graves that he, Yzak, and Dearka visited was proof enough of that. When it came to such mass devastation or the vastness of space, most didn't even have a body to bring home. Empty graves and empty futures, that's all they could mourn.]

I wish I could do more.

[ That's something else they have in common. That dislike to let others see them like this. So Yzak gets it. Enough that he places the small box he has with him on top of the table nearby, but within Athrun's view so he can see what it is - he was coming for some CHESS (and still expects some! after this!!) - and then silently sets himself down a tiny distance away from him. This makes it clear that he's had the same thing on his mind, at least, if he's willing to stay for a while.

Yzak gets a better look at the makeshift little shrine, once he sits. ]

It's not the worst you could do in a pinch.

[ That's a compliment. ]

[It should probably be sad that he can recognize the pitiful compliments Yzak offers by now, but he does, so he responds with a wan smile and nods his head.

He sits quiet and still like that for a bit, not quite praying, but offering a respectful silence for the dead and giving Yzak the chance to ponder whatever thoughts he might have for the lives they lost- in Bloody Valentine, in PLANT during both wars, in this mission just passed. It's been a grim several years, with moments of peace in between the chaos, and it seems as if long-term peace is still a long ways off for people like them. It's admittedly depressing, but if they allow themselves to stew in it for too long, how are they expected to keep fighting? Doubt is what always ended up bringing him down, forcing him into a corner. He doesn't want that anymore.

Finally, he shifts position and looks up.]

You brought your set?

[ Yzak is silent as well (a miracle) until Athrun speaks up again. Because much like him, boy does he have a lot of thoughts. Since returning from the mission yesterday all his mind's been doing is racing, and sleeping only to wake up to today of all dates did the opposite of helping like it sometimes does.

The Bloody Valentine isn't as personal to him as it obviously is to Athrun. Still, it was what prompted Yzak to enlist in the military (his mother's encouragement definitely helped, too) even though his reasons back then weren't nearly as kind. Failing to properly break up the remains of Junius Seven later, though, which ended up aiding in kicking off the second war, that sucked. But that, too, probably felt worse for Athrun, having to fly through what was essentially his mother's grave, only to have it become a catalyst for even more young sons to lose their mothers.

And then there was what happened later; his reason for being here, details still unbeknownst to Athrun. Requiem firing, six PLANTs gone in an instant, with only a matter of a few minutes that could have made all the difference if his team had only moved a little earlier, pushed themselves to move that much faster.

Even during this last mission, Sabriel wouldn't have had to use her magic to revive Blue if Yzak'd have turned his head even five seconds sooner.

Some random nights back home, too, he'd look at their old graduation photo, think of the allies they lost. And even when it comes to Nicol, sometimes he wonders, if he hadn't been so angry and so reckless, maybe rather than being swept from that battlefield so easily he could have actually done something.

...

That's a lot of cases of what-ifs, if-onlys, those almosts. And it's true that stewing on it isn't good - because those thoughts pile up and the pile gets so big that it towers over Yzak, threatens to tip and bury him beneath them all. And he can't afford that because he needs to keep moving, too, for the sake of those lives cut short.

When he hears Athrun speak is when Yzak pulls his own attention away from those sentiments to turn it toward him; he sat down and hadn't quite faced him, letting him have whatever moments to himself that he needed without an audience. ]

I did.

What else is there to do, today?

[ The part of the crew that isn't injured and/or resting in the infirmary aren't very lively, either. Everyone's tired, some still malnourished, the station's been eerily quiet, dreary. So even if Yzak wanted a different distraction, the pickings there would be slim. Here, though, there's a familiarity, something to hang on to. ]

[Athrun exhales a sound that is almost a laugh, on the cusp just enough that the humour is missing even if the sound ought to be familiar. He straightens his posture, reaching out to adjust a candle to ensure it doesn't fall and set something on fire, and thinks a silent, rest well, Mother to himself before pushing himself to his feet.]

I can't think of anything.

[He could sit in this room for hours, stewing in years-old grief and a loss he's never truly gotten over. He could recount all the mistakes he's made since that awful day, some he might change if given the chance, others he can't imagine doing differently even knowing they're wrong in retrospect. He could check on the injured, sit helplessly at someone's bedside, watching them breathe in and out and reassure himself that they won't be burying any more friends this time. (This time. Maybe not next time.) He could tell Yzak to leave him alone and just be miserable, because inevitably they'll start arguing, and he doesn't want to fight this day, what he truly wants isn't here anymore. He could.

Instead, he'll play chess.]

White or black?

I'll go with black, this time.

[ Lucky for Athrun, Yzak is just docile enough post-mission that he's barely in the mood to even argue. So while Athrun tidies up his own things, Yzak will take it upon himself to regrab for the box he brought and start to set up the chess board on a table.

He sends him a glance while he does that, though. ]

You end up running into any trouble during that bullshit before we returned?

[ Everything was so wild during that last battle that he has no idea where Athrun was for it. So he's wondering if he's, you know, okay. ]

There was trouble enough for everyone, believe me.

[Athrun takes up a handful of the white pieces and helps with setting them up on his side. When things had all gone to hell, he'd had the surprisingly good fortune to be at the right place at the right time more often than not, which meant that while he was harried and exhausted, he wasn't missing limbs or gallons of blood or whatever else people had endured to end up in the medical bay.]

I'm well aware that I was one of the lucky ones, though. I got out mostly unscathed, just some bruises and clothes that need repairing. [For once.] How's your head?

Tch, no shit.

[ He had his own trouble, even if he was lucky much like Athrun was in that he didn't actually get hurt, physically at least, in that final scuffle. But at least it's over. And considering the way Athrun first arrived here on the station, Yzak's glad he's not having a repeat of that with him.

While setting his own side up, he brings one hand to gingerly touch at the wound on his head. ] It's much better than it was. [ He had gotten it when the town's illusion broke around them, so it's had some time to heal. Though he was knocked around some by some Bouldersnakes to irritate it a little. ]

Good... I'm glad you're alright.

[He doesn't know how much of a bigger mess he'd be if he lost Cagalli and Yzak in the same month. And at least Cagalli has gone somewhere safe. If that loss was due to death? He's not known for handling that sort of thing well at all, certainly not in the long term. They've all had enough grief in their lives already.]

Hmmh, likewise.

[ He feels similarly. After everything that happened - learning about Cagalli included - Athrun right now is serving as a familiar anchor to latch onto. And that he's here and okay makes that all the more important. If he were laid out in the infirmary too, Yzak would have probably gone mad today.

That being said, he's absolutely not on his A-game when they start to play. Fingers tapping, fidgeting. The game helps because he is prompted to focus, but that focus can't keep for too long before wandering, so he's making some embarrassing mistakes! That he notices he makes after the fact and lets out an annoyed little huff. ]

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