ximilialog | open ; catch all for October

Entry tags:

open ; catch all for October

CHARACTERS: Clara Oswald & OPEN
LOCATION: Around the station
DATE: 10/17-10/21
CONTENT: Clara pops back onto the station after a canon update
WARNINGS: Mentions of death

I. Twice Returned
[Time is such a funny thing, really. In her time spent traveling with the Doctor, she's come to understand that it can be such a meaningless thing. Except for when it's important. And in the series of events that have just unfolded for her, time feels incredibly important. Vital, even.

The thing is, she remembers being on the station before. Remembers her friends there, and the missions. And she remembers the orbs. It had all been one big adventure before. But then she was sent back, gone in a blink of an eye. For those close to her, it's not likely they even will notice she's gone. For her though, time passes more slowly. Hours turn to days away, and days to week. Before she knows it, years have passed. Time spent aging and growing, developing into a different person. Clara Oswald has a home on Earth maybe, but she no longer feels the same sort of attachment to it that she once had. With the loss of Danny Pink and the intensity of her connection growing stronger with each adventure after, Clara's left more and more of her life on Earth behind.

Sure, it's fine to tap in and out of London to check in on people like Rigsy. People who are friends. People who -

Well, people who Clara's willing to die for. Her reckless streak has finally caught up to her in the form of a chronolock. One that's recently taken her life. Or maybe it took her life billions of years ago, things are a bit fuzzy at the moment. She recalls coming back, recalls learning the Doctor spent billions of years in a personal hell because of her dying. She recalls stealing her own TARDIS, recalls making the one person she loves more than anyone forget everything about her.

She had done it for his own good, and the good of the universe. It's a bit hard to justify staying together when you know an entire prophecy was written as a warning to keep you apart. It won't do to have their relationship bring on the hybrid.

Which is exactly why she's confused as she's pulled back into the station and has to try and sort things out. Is the Doctor still here, she wonders. Have billions of years passed here too? Only a few days? Weeks?

Time had started to feel meaningless for her.

That was before the raven swooped in and changed everything.

Now it feels increasingly important to pinpoint exact moments in time. Her fingers press against the inside of her left wrist as she slowly navigates the hallways. There's a heartbeat there. But there shouldn't be. When she bumps into someone as she walks she owlishly blinks up at them, her fingers slipping away.]

How long has it been since the last mission?

II. Sunlight Room
[For those that know her well enough, it's easy to tell that something is a little off. She looks a little older in her face, her eyes holding a maturity that she had previously been lacking. She's seen and been through so many things in her time away that being back here almost feels surreal. It doesn't feel like it should be possible.

But she's the impossible girl, or at least she once had been. She knows from experience that anything is possible. Usually she's the one forcing the impossible to happen. There's almost something comical about the fact that she finally was in full control of her own destiny. She had the ability to be the Doctor in her own right, traveling whenever and wherever she wanted. She could face her death when she was ready and go back to it the long way around.

She finally had all the control she wanted, only to have it torn away from her again. But she knew now she had a distinct purpose for being here. She couldn't remember her regret from before, but knew that it couldn't be as important as the one she wanted to undo now. She would do whatever it took to protect the Doctor. Even if it meant rewriting time itself.

She stands in the sunlight room, head tipped so she can peer up at the artificial light. It's almost like she's looking for something. She hears the sound of someone walking past and reaches out to grab hold of their hand. There's no words at first, no sign of what she wants. Really, she's just desperate for some kind of contact right now. A reminder to anchor her to the reality of being back and having a purpose again.]

Do you think this station had a purpose before we all arrived here?

III. Kitchen

[Apparently coming back to life and getting her heartbeat back means that the threat of being caught between her last heartbeat and death doesn't have to be an immediate threat. What is the immediate issue is that no amount of food seems to be enough. Clara's typically anxious over the amount of supplies on the station and worrying about whether or not everyone has enough. She started her hydroponic garden to help ensure the children have plenty to eat. But now that concern is far from her mind as she camps out in the kitchen and eats.

She spends hours grazing her way around the kitchen, only pausing when she catches sight of someone else entering. Her mouth is usually full when this happens, and she swallows what's in her mouth to try and awkwardly smile.]

Right, so...I can explain.

[She still thinks supplies are an issue and she should apologize for just stuffing her face this way.]

IV. Personal Quarters - closed close CR
[Clara spends as little time as possible in the room she shares with the Doctor. She finds herself not really wanting or needing to sleep those first handful of days back, only getting some catnaps here and there around the station. But when she finally feels disgusting and in ready of freshening up, she makes her way back to her quarters at long last.

After cleaning up and getting a change of clothes, she spends an extraordinary amount of time looking in the small mirror hanging on the wall by her bed. Typically her ego doesn't see any issue with admiring her reflection. Her purpose for looking today has little to do with how amazing her hair looks or how on point her eyeliner is. No, she's far more concerned about something else. It's easy to pretend like she hasn't been gone at all with the others. When it comes to the Doctor...well, she has her concerns. He'll be able to tell she's different immediately, just from the look in her eyes.

But it's the number that's tattooed on the back of her neck that she's worried about. Is it even still there? Clara gathers up her short hair to lift it up and turn in a way she can look at what she's afraid will be there. And sure enough, the numbers 001 are there, taunting her. There's no escaping the chronolock. Even here in another dimension and possibly even another universe entirely it follows her. It's a reminder of what she has waiting for her. Of what she has to hide from the man that's willing to tear the fabric of the universe apart if it means protecting her.

No matter what happens, the Doctor can never know her fate.

She's so caught up in her thoughts that she doesn't hear the door open at first. Her close friends know they're always able to just come inside, and it's likely the Doctor could pop back in as well. As soon as she realizes she's not alone her hair is dropped, hopefully masking any sign of the fact she's marked with a permanent countdown. She forces a smile, though it doesn't quite meet her eyes. She's able to keep her tone as fond and teasing as ever, which is a win. Banter is exactly what she needs to cheer up right about now.]

Let me guess. You want me to come see something you've done that shows how amazingly clever you are?

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[ he raises his glass to that before turning somber. ]

I get it. I had the feeling too. Like I'm some kind of puppet, dancing to someone else's strings. Who is to say they'll pull the plug on me or not? What did they even want from a dead guy?

It wasn't a date.

[He says it in an attempt to be miffed, but he sucks at it, so he relents:]

But I can totally pretend it was one. [He taps his fingers against his cheek, quiet, like he's trying to decide whether or not he should add to that.] ... Sam told me, back on Braccia... That maybe I should go for it. I mean, he doesn't know who it is; he thinks it's someone back home, but, uh. Anyway. I don't know. I keep going back and forth. It's something to think about.

[He nudges her after a moment. Yep, he's totally gonna speed past that last bit.]

But hey! Tell me about some of your travels! I wanna hear some of the stuff you've done! The whole universe and all of time at your fingertips and all that, right? You said after I said my thing, you'd 'fess up some stuff you've been up to.

[And of course he takes her attempt at making a joke and runs with it. She snorts in response, rolling her eyes.]

As long as we split the profits evenly.

[Why not keep the safety net up and keep things easy? Her fingers curl inward, giving his a squeeze. This kind of banter is quick and simple, essentially meaningless. It's just to fill the time meant walking from point A to point B, which isn't really all that far off.

Behind closed doors, she can drop her guard around him. It's something she only feels comfortable doing in private. Letting her walls down has only led to her getting hurt time and time again. Or it's led to the people she cares for getting killed. She's hesitant to let her guard drop completely, even though he inspires her to feel at ease in his company.

That thought makes her a little more serious, though she doesn't drop her dry wit completely. It'd just be uncomfortable if she did.]

There's plenty you don't know about me, though. If we can ever manage to get through a conversation with our clothes on, I owe you a story or two.

You know, I'm actually pretty capable of managing a decent conversation naked.

[ if their last encounter in his room is anything to go by. although, considering the way things had turned out, it's hard to say if that had actually really been a successful attempt.

still, he thinks about what he does know about her, how he'd considered her an easy read when they first met — all spunky energy and flirtatious banter — but with her return, there's been plenty more additions to the mystery, of what changes had brought that swell of beaming hope to something more shaken, uncertain, how he'd found her looking to him for some semblance of an answer right before they poured themselves into a different method of coping.

despite his joking response, he looks to her with a more honest gaze. ] I'd want to hear. [ his thumb gently skims against her knuckle. ] I'd want to know about you.

[She's not expecting that dip into sincere honesty. It takes her by surprise at first, and she smiles as she glances up at him. There's a choice to either keep joking or to let the act fall away. She's already let him past the walls she had built up. There's no harm in letting him in further.]

Okay.

[She agrees with a little nod of her head. There's also a hint of pink on her cheeks, a small blush as she realizes how easy it is for him to disarm her this way. Her eyes avert for a moment, just long enough to glance over at the doors they're passing to see how far away from his room they are.

Not far now. Just two more doors.]

I guess the most important thing I'll ever talk to you about are stars. I may be from Earth, but the stars are my home.

Possibly Viveca, but given that it's inexplicable and supposed to be impossible, I think the orbs are a better guess.

[Given everything they've seen them do, and how dangerous they supposedly are... It just makes more sense.]

[ if it were anyone else, he might have worded it definitely, framed his curiosity as more of an offhand comment or steered his way for information by alternative means in manipulating the conversation. but he doesn't need to do that with her, like they've somehow gotten past those gateways without even realizing they have, only coming to terms with it now in his honest confession of wanting to know about her. ]

The stars, huh?

[ he smiles a little, like it's somewhat fitting for her. closing in on the room, he steps ahead so he can open it up for her, peering inside first to check if kirigan might have come back. finding it still empty, he gives a gesturing nod to invite her inside. ]

The doctor talked about traveling space and planets and, I'm guessing from the way you seemed pretty familiar with them, your history probably goes past this station. Travel together?

[She peeks to her left and to her right before slipping inside. It's not like she cares if anyone knows she's here, but it's all part of the fun to act like they're actually sneaking away somewhere.

But since they're discussing her favorite subject, the thing that she's most passionate about, it's probably a good thing no one but him can hear her. She's about to sound like a nerd.]

The Doctor and I -

[She hesitates, because it feels incredibly strange to be discussing the man she loves with someone that she has come to care for deeply in a short period of time. In a way, her connection to Takeshi feels very similar to how things had begun with Danny. Simple flirtations turned quickly to something more. Only now that she's older and wiser, she knows not to expect a happily ever after in this circumstance.

There aren't any happy endings for living dead girls.]

We've traveled together for years. We've been to planets across countless galaxies and dimensions, and I never seem to be able to get enough. You meet so many different people, and get wrapped up in trying to help them all. Course, that comes with plenty of trouble, but...well, I'm not ever gonna turn away when there's people out there that need help.

[She wraps her arms around herself at that admission, smiling half heartedly. Her desire to help Rigsy had cost her and the Doctor everything. She tries not to question herself on whether or not it was worth it.]

You'd think I would've learned to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground, but I'm not sure I can ever give up recklessly running into the unknown.

[ for a moment, he's amused at her play in treating this as a secret, not entirely sure if it's her intention to actually keep it as one (since, after all, there's not really a certainty to what this even is, though he doesn't really have the expectation of trying to make sense of it to be anything). but when he steps inside after her, he's instantly consumed with the look on her face, with the passion that she describes what seems to be a primary course in her life.

with the door shut, he steps across the room, listening to her speak, and sets upon his bed, his hand reaching back out for her, gently tugging her to coax her to sit at his side.

for a moment, he thinks of quell — i wanted to be an explorer. see other worlds with my own eyes, but ... one life isn't enough time to see the stars, so ... — not surprising since the memory had arisen when the doctor spoke of similar things, of exploration and travel of the universe. but there's something more in listening to clara describe it.

because everything she says clicks together, even without the specifics or details; the way she throws herself into it, evidence of that in the way he's witnessed her so willing from the moment he'd met her, ever curious and ever determined. plenty stubborn too, but considerate as the time she'd tended to his wounds without a second thought. bossy but with a good heart.

no wonder he likes her. ]

Well, since you're here, that's plenty of proof of that. [ of running into the unknown. he means in making the deal that's brought her to the station, but maybe he partly means his room too.

but he thinks back on her words, on when she'd just come back and he looks to her with a steadiness in his gaze. ] You said ... you stopped believing this was one big space fairytale adventure. [ his voice is quiet when he asks, almost hesitantly like he's not sure she'll even answer, ] What happened?

[She's leaning over to relax up against his side when he asks his question. Clara goes still and swallows a lump that's formed in her throat.]

I died.

[She quietly answers, not bothering to lead into it with a story or soften the blow. Admitting something like that feels like a weight coming off her shoulders. She's joked about death with Erik, but this is different. This is a confession, two words whispered with the certainty that he'll continue to make her feel safe despite the weight of what she's just said.]

It feels like I've lived a thousand lives sometimes. And technically, I have. I split myself apart for him, you know. The Doctor. Jumped right into his timestream without a second thought so I could save him. I can still remember my echoes every now and then, ones that were born so that they could die saving the Doctor. And I guess maybe, in the end, it was always meant to be my fate too.

[Except she didn't die saving the Doctor, but she doesn't want to get into that now. She made the choice to take on the chronolock because it felt like the right choice to make, and maybe also because she knew she'd never allow the Doctor to do it. If he had been the one there in the moment, perhaps he might have. And she never would've forgiven herself for letting it happen.

She was born to save the Doctor.

And this life she has now is just borrowed time. That makes moments like this one, hidden away here with him, all the more special. She realizes that maybe this second chance means she could save herself. Her hand clings hold of his a little tighter, as she leans against him like he's going to save her from herself.]

My being here again only matters if Viveca can help me change my contract.

[ his own breath nearly stops. if there were any words he could have tried predicting from her, it definitely wasn't going to be those. his head turns to look at her as she speaks, feeling her pressed against his side where he feels her warm through every point of contact. she's alive, she feels alive, but while he knows in his world that death can be a complicated thing, and that death doesn't always necessarily mean the end, he knows it doesn't work the same way for her.

what she talks about, about the doctor and timestream, he can imagine they carry plenty of more context and details than what she's saying, that it isn't a scenario he can technically piece together to make sense in its entirety, but she says more than enough — she made a sacrifice and it led her to death. she tried to be a savior but then couldn't be saved.

he swallows. it's a tale he knows too well, the sort of tragedy that comes to those who least deserve. it's because she's clutching to his hand so tightly that he knows she won't be able to feel it tremble.

instead, he leans into her, his lips finding the top of her hair, burying his nose there as he breathes steadily — she's alive, she feels alive — his other hand sliding to cover both of their connected ones. ]

You ... you're trying to make a deal to change it? [ her fate. ]

Edited 2021-11-27 04:45 (UTC)

[Oh, he's pressing to hear what she's been up to. There's a moment where she seems to go a little pale as she tries to think of lies. Anything to cover up the truth. She can't let him know. But then she realizes that she's so fixated on the trauma that's recently happened to her, that she can't think past it. Of course there's other things she can tell him.]

Well, I wound up engaged in a bank heist. And met a mummy on the Orient Express. Um...the one that travels in space. Obviously.

[She carefully selects happy stories to start out with. It's better if Newt thinks she's had nothing but fun, carefree adventures and that everything is just fine.]

[She's quiet for a few moments as she just takes comfort in his presence. It'd be easy to distract herself from feeling any emotions brought on by this conversation with her lips against his. But she can't run from this subject forever. And with him, she doesn't want to hide her thoughts and feelings. She doesn't need to lie to protect him.]

The orbs will want me to pay a price. It may be something I'm unwilling to pay. I don't think I could keep going if the Doctor forgets who I am. Not again.

[And that's exactly what she's so afraid the price will be. Her voice is more thick now as tears slip free from her eyes, and she turns her head so she can bury it against his arm. She's not a child though, and she has to face her fears. Including discussing the possibilities of what the cost of changing her contract may be. It's with a shaky exhale that she sits back up, finally able to look him in the eye. Let him see her tears. They won't make her weak in his eyes.]

I may have to accept the fact that once my time here on the station is done, that's all there's ever gonna be. I have to go back and face the end eventually.

[And for all the bravery she has, for all her bravado, the thought of there just being nothing other than this terrifies her.]

It almost makes you wonder how safe we all are, with their being stored here.

[She dryly retorts, giving Sabriel a sidelong glance.]

I'm starting to think we're owed some answers by whoever's in charge.

[ she says more that doesn't carry context, about the doctor forgetting her, and suddenly he realizes that this death she's talking about, it might not even be something either one of him knows about. because if clara is as close to both of them as he's come to see, then chances are at least one of them would have made the deal to save her — if they had, then she wouldn't be fighting tooth and nail to try saving herself.

it's all thoughts that run through his mind during his own silence, while she curves her body into him and he could hear the shake in her voice even before she looks up at him to show the presence of her tears.

it differs so much from the girl he'd met, the one trying to put on a brave act. it's even different from the girl who'd slip into his bedroom the last time, so desperate to clutch onto that bravery when she talked about needing to believe they have that chance.

and now he knows why. ]

Hey — [ he shakes his head, eyes looking directly at her tear-stained ones, bringing up a hand to cup her cheek, feeling dampness against his thumb. ] That's not gonna happen.

[ for a man who's known to be a realist, and even more often, a fatalist, he speaks without a second thought, like in his mind, he's already certain about finding a way to make sure of it, to make sure she doesn't have to give up something she isn't ready to, to make sure she doesn't face this end. ]

Remember what I said? We'll figure it out. [ he leans down into her, forehead pressing gently to hers, an arm embracing around her as he keeps a touch of his palm to her cheek. ] You and me. Together. This doesn't change that. I promised you.

Particularly as more and more are being stored here. Viveca outright admitted that she might need help setting up wards to contain them.

[Which is alarming all on its own, setting aside the concerns about how trustworthy Viveca and her commander are.]

Well. Viveca's always available for questions, although I'm not sure how much she's willing- or able- to answer, and I don't know how we might compel her to answer more.

She's not able to answer anything other than what she's been programmed to. No amount of compelling will change that.

[Which has Clara incredibly worried about the fact that she's admitted that they may need wards to contain the orbs. There's an uncomfortable knot in her stomach now. Are they all doing the right thing getting the orbs and bringing them back here?]

Are you going to help with the wards? Or do you think we should hold out on them in hopes that whoever's in charge will finally show themselves?

They're likely hoping you're desperate enough to do whatever it takes to obtain as many orbs as possible.

[Because now Clara is far more aware of the fact they all should be asking why they're getting the orbs and who really is benefitting from them.]

Are you?

I will. Containing these sorts of things is one of my responsibilities, and I'm not going to put everyone at risk over something that might not work.

[As for gathering up the orbs... Keeping them all on one isolated station seems like less of a risk than leaving them scattered throughout the worlds, free to cause chaos or for someone else to start trying to collect them.]

[ erik smiles. ]

Nah. There's nothin' any power in the world can do to me now what already hasn't been done.

[The way he says these things with such conviction and confidence makes her heart race. He shouldn't be telling her these things, not when he's likely going to put himself in harm's way by promising them. She can't let him die or get harmed because he's close to her, because he's become wrapped up in her mess.

But at the same time, having someone there to carry the weight with her feels like an immense relief. More tears fall, and she can only nod her head in response at first. Her cheek leans into his touch as a soft sob escapes her throat, making her lips quiver. She hates crying, but the tears don't seem to stop right away. All the emotion she's kept bottled up since arriving comes pouring out now, until she's left bare in a way that has her feeling at her most vulnerable.

She's not weak. She refuses to be weak. But she can let him be there for her in this.]

Together. [She finally speaks, turning her head to press a kiss to his palm.] I won't forget you promised.

[She takes a second to try and compose herself without removing herself from the situation, eyes closing as she takes a steadying breath.]

Sorry. I shouldn't have just dropped that on your lap. But I had to tell someone, and I trust you. The Doctor can never know, though. Neither of them can.

[ he doesn't judge her for crying, and if it helps her to let go of the weight she's been carrying alone, he welcomes her to it, lets her free every teardrop so that she doesn't have to force herself to be so brave in front of everyone else. even before she confesses it, he knows that neither doctor knows of it; if either of them did, there's no doubt they'd have already made a move to fix it.

together. and as she turns and gives him that kiss to his palm, it's a sealing of the promise, one that he knows he can't back out of now, one that he won't back out of. in truth, he has no idea exactly how he'd going about it, or even what he could do to make the change, to grant her the guarantee of changing her fate so that she doesn't need to give up anything for it, but he's already determined to make it happen, one idea already floating in his mind that he'll get to asking viveca about later —

for now, his focus in on comforting clara, to make sure she knows she's not alone, that she's safe, that she can trust that he won't let her die —

that'll be a change for you, he hears quell say, the voice of her ghost finding its way back into his head. in moments he's with clara, he can typically push away the hallucination of his old love, like clara can keep him in the moment, drawing him in to where he doesn't lose himself in past regrets. but right now, his failures taunt at him, trying to shake him from the confidence of his promise.

but he won't allow it. ]

I won't tell them. [ another promise for him to keep. he can do that. he leans in, lips soft to her forehead, lingering there. ] And you ... [ he draws back, trying to catch her eyes. ] I got you.

[ another set of words he'd spoken to her once. ones that he didn't realize at the time would carry so much more. but he doesn't regret it. ]

You don't have to carry all of this by yourself anymore.

[Her eyes meet his, and she feels a sense of relief at his promise. She's always so determined to handle things on her own. She doesn't ever want to come across as someone that's not capable. But for just this once, it's nice to depend on someone else to help her. Especially when that someone is him.]

Thank you, Tak. For being here.

[She whispers, her words slightly muffled as she leans in to press her lips against his. It's a sweet, heartfelt kiss. She's so grateful to have him, and that he's willing to be there for her. She has the Doctor, and she loves him. But she thinks she can't ever have this with him. That he isn't interested, and it's better to protect him. If she could move on here on the station, maybe this is her chance.]

Do you mind if I stay again?

[ she thanks him but despite what she's confessed to him and despite his sudden urgency in upholding his promise, he knows that there's a silence "thank you" from his own lips, one that he isn't sure he'd know how to voice or even explain. because even in the way she says tak, something so immensely personal, it's like she's reminding him of who he could be, of who he was once — a sworn protector, as he tried to be for rei, as he tried to be for quell, to just preserve someone the world was trying to swallow up.

and with the way he's found himself feeling in her company, somehow breathing easier, he knows he needs to do whatever it takes to keep her alive.

sighing with the sweetness of her kiss, he nods lightly at her question. ]

Yeah. [ he kisses her again, another sweet thing, soft to her lips. ] Come on.

[ he gives a gentle nudge to her back, just to urge her to lift up for a moment so he can draw back the sheets of his bed, giving her the room to slide in before he gives a tug to his shirt to pull it off (never too comfortable to get into bed with one on), kicking his boots off to the floor. ]

Just a mo'.

[She lifts up for a second but hops off the bed a moment later. She has to actually unzip her boots to kick them off, and she makes quick work stripping out of her jeans and sweater. She doesn't really think anything of being in any varying state of undress around him now, and is quick to climb back into bed to be alongside him. Of course, she has to make herself look ridiculous by stumbling over her own boot along the way. She winds up tripping up and hopping on one foot back into the bed, laughing softly as she hurries to tuck herself in close against him.

The way she slips right in and fits perfectly at his side isn't lost on her. But it's also not something she needs to focus on anymore either. It just feels natural and right.]

I want you to know that no matter what happens, even if we're not able to figure out a way to change things...I'm so grateful to be back. Getting closer to you, it's happier than I've been in a long time.

[It feels important for her to let him know that much, so he doesn't do something reckless or stupid in order to help her out. Just him being here can be enough for now.]

And I'm not sure what that means, but I also know it doesn't have to mean anything. Not if you don't want it to.

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open ; catch all for October

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