ximilialog | Julog

Entry tags:

Julog

CHARACTERS: Yzak and you!
LOCATION: Various.
DATE: After return to the station.
CONTENT: All of that post-mission hubbub. Some closed starters in the comments.
WARNINGS: Will note.

#0: Just For Flavor | (not a prompt)

[ The team stayed on E-23b for a little longer than anticipated after finding the orb. What was Yzak up to during that time? He'd stayed near the towers in the chaos after one of them fell, and that topped with the fact that he had an unpleasant run-in with a couple of his colleagues back at the parliament who were looking for some revenge and to smear his name, the way things shook out afterward came together in a way where Yzak couldn't even be assed enough to argue about it. He'd been seen near the towers and accused by those colleagues of helping the Fables - which wasn't a lie in the end. So he decided to fuck off and drop the political "act," focusing his efforts on aiding his actual teammates with the work they wished to do.

His newfound time led him to split it between two main tasks within the sphere of sticking close to his team. Task one was if word got out or identity revealed regarding a certain comatose Mu and the guard tower's destruction, he wanted to make sure he was close just in case anybody else got any ideas of revenge into their head. Best visualized as your classic bodyguard/charge tragic love story at a bedside because one of them is dying trope. It's very sad. Task two was lending his power to Sabriel's by way of his Charter magic to work on the planet's toxic water situation. Best visualized as a classic sibling team up with cool, synergic motions to get the work done, and all of the banter from the occasional teasing to more somber conversations. It's very cute. ]

#1: The Boo Blue Blew Up Blues | (infirmary ; ota)

[ By now none should be surprised to see Yzak in the infirmary while Blue is there. Which is Often. If you're visiting the infirmary for whatever reason, just take the trope visualization described above as the sight you're greeted with, peppered with an option of your choosing between: he's reading something, he's fallen into a tiny doze in his chair, or he's resting a chin in his hand, looking so deep in thought about something that he doesn't even recognize you passing by.

If you're in the infirmary yourself for any injuries, Yzak isn't so rude to ignore you! He'll be up and about frequently, poking his head in ~~nosily~~ curiously to your character to see if they're awake, how they're looking, what they're up to. ]

Hey. How are you doing?

#2: Learning Lad in the Lab | (labs ; ota)

[ Yzak doesn't spend much time in the labs, so his presence there might come as a surprise to anybody who happens to find him there now. That's the extent of the surprise, though; he's not messing with the chemicals, and not even actually tinkering with the techy pieces or building anything.

He does have a bunch of pieces of ~machinery~ scattered out before him, though, a paper pad at his side and a book open at his other, sat atop a few other closed ones. He's skimming the book, eying the pieces on the table in front of him before picking one or two of them up, and then inspecting them closely, how they seem to fit together, what they are, what they do, familiarizing himself with their different shapes and sizes, how strong and how flexible they are. He does that, takes some notes (maybe makes the occasional small doodle to accompany some of the notes), and then repeats the process, now with different pieces of machinery.

He's pretty engrossed! But feel free to engage. ]

#3: Gundam Guy Galaxy Gazing | (simulations ; ota)

[ The view constructed in the simulations are far more bright and beautiful than the one from the station's windows even if it gets the same job done; Reflection. Anybody wandering into the simulations will find themself on the bridge of a battleship, techy and futuristic; metal paneling and computerized screens, sterile and clean and bright. But empty. Empty save for Yzak himself who's leaning against the back of one of the chairs closest to the windows and looking out at the view. The space around Earth and PLANT is a breathtaking sight to see - endless pinpricks of lights dotting space in varying size and brightness, streaks of color of distant clusters and galaxies that feel like staring at a beautiful watercolor painting.

The Earth itself is so close and blue and bright, serving as a backdrop to a group of hourglass-shaped space colonies - well over a hundred. If one were to stare out at the serene view for long enough to notice, there's a small area among the colonies them where a few of them don't look quite as good. Yzak's still in the white uniform he's always seen in as he quietly soaks in the familiarity of the ship and the view. Maybe if you ask nicely he'll give you a tour of some kind; physical tour of the ship itself? Audio tour of the view? ]

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Fair enough, I'll let you know next time.

[ New time! As he is assuming he will hang out with Yzak again. Peter likes him, despite - or perhaps because- the hissy cat tendencies. Peter takes a look around and whistles softly n appreciation. 'Big' doesn't even begin to cover it. ]

You know It's really amazing to be here... I grew up watching cartoons with giant robots like Mazinger Z or Transformers. I always wanted to ride one. Here at the station, this also makes a good distraction after all the stress of the last mission.

[ The cockpit! Peter looks positively gleeful. He is also eyeing Yzak for a reaction, since the last days has been difficult, specially for him and Blue. ]

It's more training than a distraction. I need to make sure I don't lose my edge just because I haven't needed to pilot a mobile suit for a while.

Though you're right, the last mission's extention did end up adding as much grief than it did help, in the end.

[ If he's in any sort of distress it's not apparent in his expression. Truth be told, he's technically not; it's more that any feelings he has about Blue and his rapidly declining health is basically part of him now, etched into his natural expressions and his voice when he speaks, that's how intertwined they've become.

Still, the second "part" of the mission did suck, as Blue was out of it the entire time on top of the locals' treatment of them, the "Powereds," being a bit too familiar for him. ]

Piloting one is always an entirely different experience than one expects. Even where I'm from, where I wasn't influenced by any sort of cartoons.

That's a good point too. I've been training my body, but it's been a long while since I piloted anything. I should come up with a simulation of my own ship one day, to practice. Maybe we will need our piloting skills for missions.

[ Yzak doesn't look particularly distressed, yet Peter knows better than to make any assumptions. For years, he's dated a woman who was taught not to show any weakness or emotion. He's been best friends for just as long with an alien raccoon who has turned sarcastic bitterness into his number one trait because of what he had to endure in life.

What people say and what they are willing to show, are two different things, and drawn-out exposure to misery takes its toll in different ways. Sometimes you don't even realize how much it's affecting you until a minor thing happens and that breaks the camel's back. ]

Well, of course, that is a given. Everything is always easier in cartoons and movies.

And I'm sure if we do require skills like that, they'll require some sort of amalgamation of what we all know individually.

[ Not said with any disdain, more like he just expects it to be that way.

Peter probably saw all of that distress back during the tower's fall. The way Yzak's expression dropped, the absolute horror on his face and the way it reflected the tearing at his heart. But really, that sort of situation would do that to anybody. But the knowledge that it's always there, lingering, threatening, that plagues Yzak. ]

Everything always seems easier in fictions. Even the shit that isn't so easy at all.

Most likely. But that's probably for the best, because that way more of us would be able to use whatever tech we need to deal with, as opposed to only a select few. I know the last mission wasn't very good for team building, but we're still a group that needs to work together.

[ 'Not very good for team building, ah, the understatement of the year. Peter makes himself comfortable inside the cockpit, trying not to lean against the wrong thing or accidentally push any buttons or whatever it is that makes the big robot move. Then he stares at Yzak and then gives a nod of understanding. ]

It does. And there's so much shit that isn't easy...like Blue's situation. Do you want to talk about it?

[ Why beat around the bush? It could help to let it out. ]

There will always be differing opinions among any team. But I agree, that was pretty messy - and I don't mean in terms of what others decided to do in the end. [ Because truly, sometimes choices need to be made in the moment. They aren't always the right ones - no, they aren't always the wrong ones, either, but it's the intent behind many choices that bothered Yzak a lot less than the reactions to them if they didn't have stellar results.

He shrugs, because in the end, he still, overall, doesn't think things went that badly. They got the orb, they're got back in one piece, they even stayed to help even if to him that wasn't good to do in hindsight. But Yzak tries to keep looking forward.

On the subject of looking forward, Peter's new line of straightforward questioning definitely hits on that.

Still, Yzak is Yzak, so he bristles a bit, almost defensive - as he always is when it comes to his more personal, more sensitive feelings. Especially this. ]

Talk about it? [ He repeats, his head tipping the slightest bit. ] W-what's there to talk about? You just said it yourself, didn't you? Shit that isn't easy. [ Clearly that covers it. ]

No revolution is bloodless or with no collateral damage. It's inevitable.

[ That's what he's learned and seen all over the galaxy. Peter makes a face because, despite the fact being true, it's still not a pleasant one. He leans back slightly, his hands casually resting over a nearby panel, trying to keep his posture as open and relaxed as possible. ]

Yeah, that thing some people do instead of bottling their feelings and ending with an ulcer. [ Yzak being defensive is expected, Peter keeps his voice casual, but some of his concern still seeps through.

He considers letting it do, not adding to the stress Yzak might be already feeling. Peter himself isn't doing great, Blue's slowly fading away reminds him too much of his mom's sickness. He knows how much the slow path of misery eats at you. Like sea waves crashing against a concrete wall, solid at first, until the first crack appears. Until the pressure and the dread get too much and a piece of you breaks apart. ]

It's okay to be afraid of what's to come, Yzak. It's okay to not always be the strong one when some things are beyond our control.

[ His mouth presses into a thin line when Peter talks, his expression trying his best not to betray him. But it's Yzak, so that's nearly impossible. He feels his muscles tensing, his brow furrowing and his jaw clench. Because Peter is exactly right, even though it's not as though Yzak isn't afraid. He is afraid, he's been afraid, he's spent nearly all of his time with Blue standing beneath a sword always seemingly about to drop, knowing that it could at any time. Be it hours, days, weeks or months. Somehow they managed to make it to months, but even Yzak knows after this last mission that it isn't going to be much longer.

He just hates admitting that he's scared. Because it makes him feel powerless. And he's had to feel that way so many times already. ]

What's not being strong supposed to be, anyway? Sitting around crying? Just waiting for something inevitable?

I've done enough of that already. [ At least he can admit that outloud. Despite him hating it. ] On our last mission. On Badrock. Every time his death gets dangled in front of me and then pulled back just to give me a taste of what's coming.

[ He feels his hand clench into a fist, nails digging slightly into his palm. ]

Of course I'm afraid because I've always been practically useless [ He spits the word out violently. ] when it comes to being able to do anything to help him...!

[ Fear is a feeling Peter is familiar too, far too much for his liking. Fear, sadness, and guilt over not being able to help your loved ones can drive you insane and make you bitter. He doesn't want that for Yzak, he doesn't want him to make things worse for himself than they already are. There's something worse than feeling powerless, and that is feeling powerless and alone. So here Peter is, trying to make Yzak understand he doesn't have to always be perfect or strong.

His chest aches at Yzak's admission, but it should be clear going by Peter's expression that he doesn't think any less of him for it. God knows he's cried and despaired plenty in the past, too. Hell, Peter's seen gods cry too, no one's above that when they are hurting. Admittedly, the mention of Badrock confused him, he had no idea that something might have happened to Blue back then, but that's a question for later. Peter keeps his voice soft, but not light, he's taking things seriously. ]

There's nothing wrong with crying, it often helps to let out strong emotions. It might not fix everything, but it does help to ease some of the weight of bearing all this distress in private.

[ The Guardian reaches out slowly towards one of Yzak's clenched fists, holding it between both of his hands and tugging, then drawing small circles on the back of Yzak's hand to try and make him relax. ]

Just because some things are beyond us, it doesn't mean we're useless. You're looking after Blue, offering comfort and support, loving him. It means more than what you might think.

[ His chest aches, too. It's been aching, beneath the surface. But what good is any sort of happiness or love when it's constantly that painful? Sometimes the strife is worth it, and Yzak isn't one to give up so easily (in this sort of case). That's why he riles against it as much as he does.

His hand lingers for only a couple of beats between Peter's before Yzak pulls it away - not that the notion doesn't help, not that the notion is unappreciated. He's just Not Great At This. That, and because he turns away from Peter to brace both of his hands on the railing of the catwalk. ]

This might not have to be beyond me.

[ No one is happy with the situation, and if Peter knew a way to help Blue and fix this mess, he would do it in a heartbeat. The medical experts on the ximilia are doing what they can to improve his friend's health, but ti doesn't seem to be enough, and and he doesn't know what else to do to help.

Much like how Yzak is feeling, the helplessness is frustrating and scary. There are plenty of days where Peter is simply willing himself not to fall apart because there are other people who need him more, who have bigger worries, but it would be a lie to say Blue's ordeal isn't affecting him too. This isn't about him, however, and when Yzak pulls away and turns, he tries to keep the hurt in his face from showing in his voice. ]

What do you mean?

[ He's not a big hand holder, Peter. Especially when he's upset!

There's a stretch of silence before sharp blue eyes peer back over his shoulder to Peter, considering his query. He remembers the things Peter's spoken of before; that he believes the orbs were things that should be destroyed. That's not something Yzak disagrees with necessarily, because he's well aware that the orbs aren't benevolent.

Still, such an opinion topped off with a lot of the arguing about this very subject has put Yzak on the defensive. Even those he trusts he isn't sure he wishes to speak of this to. Not that their opinions will change his mind, but he doesn't need somebody taking it upon themself to act as though they know better and try and stop him when he's thought long and hard about this. That's why Sabriel is one of the only others who does know, because Yzak trusts her to have his back and not jump to conclusions.

Still, this is Peter, who Yzak has come to like, come to trust. Can he put his faith in him about this, too?

Funny enough, he thinks to the very mission he's about to make reference to. His words to Entr'i fresh in his mind, that one who cannot trust others can't be trusted himself. ]

You remember Giva, right? When Angrial gave up her wings to the orb to stop the fighting and to save Entr'i.

Viveca confirmed to me that our deal with the Orb was something different than one with an orb. The regrets we've come to change won't be settled until our end of the agreement is complete. Meaning only after we retrieve every scattered piece out there. We can change our own end of the deal, but we can't be paid in advance, and we can't add another contract to what we already have.

But the Orb as it will be when it's complete and the orbs that are part of that whole aren't bound by the same deals when they're apart. So upon retrieving an orb but before merging it with the others, it's possible to broker a deal similar to the one Angrial did. One carried out immediately.

[ Duly noted. Peter didn't try to hug him because even he could tell it would be too much, so at least there's that. Comforting touches work for him, but he's aware it's not always the case for everyone. It's hard, though, to not try to reach out for Yzak again when the other man is so obviously distressed, and Peter crosses his arms over his chest.

It helps him to keep himself in check, also grounded. He keeps the eye contact, a small crease appearing between his eyebrows at the mention of Angrial, and simply answers with an; ]

Yes, I remember that mission and the sacrifices that were made.

[ He also doesn't like where this is going. Despite Peter acting like a fool more often than not, it's often that...an act. He's not an idiot, and he's having a bad feeling already. Peter squashes it down in favor of listening to what Yzak has to say now that he's finally talking, trying to keep an open mind. ]

And you...want to do an extra deal. [ Peter waves a hand around, trying to assimilate everything, but his voice is cautious, restrained. ] So, what's the plan. To grab the orb during the next mission before anybody can do that and request an extra new deal to do...what, exactly? Fix Blue? You know what Angrial gave up, it wasn't simply a pair of wings.

It was what those wings represented as well; her ability to ever reincarnate again. The same thing Entr'i had given up prior.

[ He feels the end of his mouth twitch. It's funny, because Viveca had asked him essentially the same thing when he spoke to her. Her tone had been similar, too, and Yzak imagines her expression was probably the same as Peter's is now. A look and tone that he knows well, but doesn't flinch away from. Because he's not flinching away from this - to flinch is to hesitate and he cannot afford to do that. ]

You've got the right idea, with that guess. [ He half turns back to face him, one hand still holding onto the railing, a fingernail lightly scraping against the metal in a small, fidgety tic. ] Because it's the only way that even seems like a possibility to make a difference. And if that possibility exists, then I'm going to reach for it.

I wouldn't be able to stand it if I didn't. I'd spend every moment after Blue is gone wondering about that what-if.

He wanted to change his reason for coming here. He tried to, because what he wants is more time. But because of the contracts that we already hold, we don't get what we ask for until the end. So the time he wants ... he wants it exactly because he's not going to make it that far. [ Essentially, he'd be fucked regardless of if he did change his regret.

Yzak's hand grips that railing a little tighter. He hates speaking that fact outloud - because anybody can see it when they look at Blue. His already stretched out time is quickly dwindling toward its end. ]

If there's a chance that I can grant that wish for him, I'm not going to pass it up.

I know. That's why I said she didn't just lose the wings.

[ Peter is well aware of the importance of what Angrial gave up to save her friend. The orbs demand more often than not an equivalent exchange, which is why Peter isn't too keen on the idea of people using them without considering all the repercussions. Yzak isn't like that. He's clearly thought about all this long and hard, but somehow, it doesn't reassure Peter in the slightest.

Viveca knows how high the price is to pay, so it's no wonder that she would want to make sure people know what they will be getting into if they mess around with the orbs. ]

Go figure... [ He hoped he was wrong this time, and yet. Peter runs a hand through his hair and gives himself a moment to take a deep breath. He, like Yzak, would go to any length to ensure that his lover is alive and well. This is the reason he first joined this crew, even if things have changed in the past year. It would be really hypocritical of Peter to tell Yzak that he's making a mistake. He's still going to bring up the downsides, however, because he cares. ]

You know how demanding are the orbs. What would be the prize of such a request? If you get Blue's sickness, or you die, how would that make things any better, Yzak?

[ Peter feels a bit sick to his stomach just thinking about it. It's been difficult enough to watch Blue's health deteriorate, to go through all this again. He doesn't want to get his hopes up and then lose someone else. ]

It wouldn't. [ Truly, somewhere in him, Yzak has a belief that between the two of them, Blue would deserve life over him - not only because Yzak is technically still alive himself by sheer luck, but because he should be dead because of the terrible things he's done. Thus, he's since dedicated his life to honor those who've died and to protect his people. He figures if he dies it'll just be belated since he wouldn't argue that he doesn't deserve it - but if he can use that lucky, extra bit of life he's been given for something good ... it wouldn't absolve him from his sins, but at the very least it would have been useful and saved another soldier who hasn't bloodied his hands as badly from having their own life cut short.

Still. He doesn't willingly throw himself at death. Not when he has responsibilities, a team to look after who are following his example. Not when there's always work to be done that he could help accomplish with this life. Even here on the Ximilia, he moves forward for the sake of 2million of his own people back home.

And not when he understands the pain of losing someone. ]

That's why if the orb tries to pull some bullshit where it'd just turn the tables on us, I wouldn't go through with it. That'd be pretty fucked up, wouldn't it? Just putting him in my position, when I want to do this in part because I don't want to feel this way anymore, either. That's more selfish than it is seemingly selfless or noble, in the end.

I don't plan on dying because I still have things to do. I have my own people I'm here to save and someone like Blue who understands the importance of protecting his own would never forgive me if I gave that up for him. But I don't plan on burdening him by doing something that would only make the time he wants riddled with guilt if he gets it, either.

I don't know what it's going to want from me until I'm there. And I'm not letting a fear of that unknown stop me from at least getting that far.

At least we agree on that. [ Small mercies. Peter honestly wasn't sure. Everyone in this crew is so stupidly self-sacrificing sometimes, him included. He is torn between telling Yzak that all this is an insane plan and seeing its merits. It could give Blue a chance at life, and that truly is something to consider. It could also throw Yzak to the wolves. A better simile would be Yzak voluntarily walking up to the beast, opening its maws, and throwing himself inside.

Damn it, damn it, damn it.

It's something Peter would do, too, if it meant giving Gamora a second chance at life.

He gives Yzak a long, hard stare once he claims he won't go through the deal if it's a shitty one, trying to decide if the other man is being honest. Newt changed his regret and didn't even ask what it would cost him, and Peter isn't sure if his blood pressure could take a repeat of that. But Yzak is...Yzak. Logical and not impulsive-driven. ]

I wouldn't forgive you either. I'd yell at you, and after you died, I'd ouija the fuck out of your ghost to scream at you some more for being an idiot.

[ It is honestly hard to tell if Peter is being serious or not. He uses banter and jokes to deflect and hide his real feelings, but he's found himself at his limit more and more lately. After that, he's quiet, the silence stretching between them as Peter ponders the pros and cons.

Fuck it all. ]

Fine! [ The blond throws his hands in the air for a moment, and in doing so, he reminds himself of Rocket. He's turning into a grump, augh. ]</small You'll do it no matter what, so...we need to figure out how you can get your hands on the orb before everyone else does.

I will do it no matter what. I don't need permission, and the only opinions that matter in the end are my own and Blue's.

[ A beat, because, much like he said to Sabriel... ]

... though some, like yours, wouldn't be immediately discarded...! [ His way of saying that he actually appreciates Peter's input, and if he were less solid about this decision, he would take his concerns into consideration. ]

[ Yzak needs to work on his wording, but Peter will take it. It's true, and he also knows it, no matter what he says, how he feels, or the amount of worry he shows to Yzak will change his mind. ]

Much appreciated... [ Peter winces a little, shoulder slumping as he leans back. This is not how he expected things to go today, but he's glad that Yzak trusted him enough to share this with him. Small steps and all that. ] I care about him too, you know. Even if I am not smooching Blue.

[ Yzak always needs to work on his wording; he has little to no filter, especially so when he's feeling particularly strong about something. ]

Anyone would have to absolutely stupid not to. [ To care about Blue. And that's about as shmoopy as Yzak will get outloud. But he's right and he knows it! Blue is cute, and kind and giving and considerate and soft and gentle, strong and smart and talented and even funny... There is no bias here at all, it's not Yzak's fault he has the perfect boyfriend!

Peter's body language and tone don't go unnoticed, though. His concern is understandable - were this the other way around, Yzak would feel similarly (mostly because of aforementioned stupid self sacrificing since Peter's worried him more than once there). It's natural to feel, isn't it? When you care about somebody else. ]

But if that's the case, then do the same thing I've asked him to do. Trust me despite that trepidation.

[ In a way, it's one of the things Peter likes about Yzak. He's been lied to and manipulated in the past, he appreciates someone who leads with the truth, even if it's blunt or occasionally harsh.

Peter says nothing after Yzak's affirmation, just smiles a little. Oh no, sir, no bias at all. Blue is, in fact, a very kind person who's difficult not to love. Seeing him suffer because of his illness, and not being able to do anything to help has been eating at Peter too. If Yzak's plans works, the cost might be high, no doubt, but so will the reward. ]

All right. I trust you, Yzak. But I'll also worry because that's inevitable when one of your friends puts himself in danger. [ Peter attempts another smile and while it doesn't fully reach his eyes, it's still there. ] I think you're too much of an stubborn ass to die too, so that's a point in our favor.

[ It's said teasingly, not with Peter usual level of playfulness, but still aiming to make the conversation lighter. ]

Agreeing to this entire undertaking is, in itself, a danger.

But I'll accept that. [ Heavens know he finds himself constantly exasperated when someone he likes puts themself in danger. Especially when it's one of his own soldiers, acting in a way all too familiar to him and how he used to be. ]

Dying would not only be stupidly hypocritical and pointless in this case, but you're right. I don't actually want to, either. [ Not if he can help it. ]

Story of my life, really.

[ Peter's existence has been nothing but weird, crazy, and dangerous stuff since he was 8 years old to this day. One another things more, in the end? He just doesn't like it when the same weird shit happens to others. ]

Good, then we both agree on that. It might all be crazy enough to work. Does Blue know already about your plan...?

Haah? Of course he does! Like I'd let anybody else know before him.

Ey, how was I supposed to know? [ Peter raises both of his hands in another placating gesture. ] This is a big thing, maybe you didn't want him to freak out, maybe you were worried he would talk you out of it.

[ People communicating with their significant other???? A novelty. ]

But that's good, that's great.

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