ximilialog | Julog

Entry tags:

Julog

CHARACTERS: Yzak and you!
LOCATION: Various.
DATE: After return to the station.
CONTENT: All of that post-mission hubbub. Some closed starters in the comments.
WARNINGS: Will note.

#0: Just For Flavor | (not a prompt)

[ The team stayed on E-23b for a little longer than anticipated after finding the orb. What was Yzak up to during that time? He'd stayed near the towers in the chaos after one of them fell, and that topped with the fact that he had an unpleasant run-in with a couple of his colleagues back at the parliament who were looking for some revenge and to smear his name, the way things shook out afterward came together in a way where Yzak couldn't even be assed enough to argue about it. He'd been seen near the towers and accused by those colleagues of helping the Fables - which wasn't a lie in the end. So he decided to fuck off and drop the political "act," focusing his efforts on aiding his actual teammates with the work they wished to do.

His newfound time led him to split it between two main tasks within the sphere of sticking close to his team. Task one was if word got out or identity revealed regarding a certain comatose Mu and the guard tower's destruction, he wanted to make sure he was close just in case anybody else got any ideas of revenge into their head. Best visualized as your classic bodyguard/charge tragic love story at a bedside because one of them is dying trope. It's very sad. Task two was lending his power to Sabriel's by way of his Charter magic to work on the planet's toxic water situation. Best visualized as a classic sibling team up with cool, synergic motions to get the work done, and all of the banter from the occasional teasing to more somber conversations. It's very cute. ]

#1: The Boo Blue Blew Up Blues | (infirmary ; ota)

[ By now none should be surprised to see Yzak in the infirmary while Blue is there. Which is Often. If you're visiting the infirmary for whatever reason, just take the trope visualization described above as the sight you're greeted with, peppered with an option of your choosing between: he's reading something, he's fallen into a tiny doze in his chair, or he's resting a chin in his hand, looking so deep in thought about something that he doesn't even recognize you passing by.

If you're in the infirmary yourself for any injuries, Yzak isn't so rude to ignore you! He'll be up and about frequently, poking his head in ~~nosily~~ curiously to your character to see if they're awake, how they're looking, what they're up to. ]

Hey. How are you doing?

#2: Learning Lad in the Lab | (labs ; ota)

[ Yzak doesn't spend much time in the labs, so his presence there might come as a surprise to anybody who happens to find him there now. That's the extent of the surprise, though; he's not messing with the chemicals, and not even actually tinkering with the techy pieces or building anything.

He does have a bunch of pieces of ~machinery~ scattered out before him, though, a paper pad at his side and a book open at his other, sat atop a few other closed ones. He's skimming the book, eying the pieces on the table in front of him before picking one or two of them up, and then inspecting them closely, how they seem to fit together, what they are, what they do, familiarizing himself with their different shapes and sizes, how strong and how flexible they are. He does that, takes some notes (maybe makes the occasional small doodle to accompany some of the notes), and then repeats the process, now with different pieces of machinery.

He's pretty engrossed! But feel free to engage. ]

#3: Gundam Guy Galaxy Gazing | (simulations ; ota)

[ The view constructed in the simulations are far more bright and beautiful than the one from the station's windows even if it gets the same job done; Reflection. Anybody wandering into the simulations will find themself on the bridge of a battleship, techy and futuristic; metal paneling and computerized screens, sterile and clean and bright. But empty. Empty save for Yzak himself who's leaning against the back of one of the chairs closest to the windows and looking out at the view. The space around Earth and PLANT is a breathtaking sight to see - endless pinpricks of lights dotting space in varying size and brightness, streaks of color of distant clusters and galaxies that feel like staring at a beautiful watercolor painting.

The Earth itself is so close and blue and bright, serving as a backdrop to a group of hourglass-shaped space colonies - well over a hundred. If one were to stare out at the serene view for long enough to notice, there's a small area among the colonies them where a few of them don't look quite as good. Yzak's still in the white uniform he's always seen in as he quietly soaks in the familiarity of the ship and the view. Maybe if you ask nicely he'll give you a tour of some kind; physical tour of the ship itself? Audio tour of the view? ]

Wildcard & OOC | (current and new cr welcome)
Feel free to tweak any prompt and I'll roll with whatever! Or just wildcard me, baby, I'm here for it. Poke me at

gaignun, Tara#1768 or PM me here if you have any questions/want to kick around ideas if nothing stands out! The inbox is always open, too. ♥

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[ Hesitation can be as costly as recklessness, the latter of which Yzak has learned the hard way, many times. It's been a delicate balance to keep, a very thin line to walk without dipping too far into one side. But many things keep him aware of the care he needs to take now, and they haven't all been the greatest lessons. Loneliness and unchecked anger twisting into suspicion and doubt, painful silence and a broken spirit, shock and hurt that gave him no choice but to either break through those thorned growths that had trapped him or remain in them in ignorance until a death that would have claimed him a lot sooner had he done so.

Having his eyes forced opened helped him learn about that balance. Becoming a leader responsible for the lives of his teammates on top of the people of PLANT helped even more. He didn't expect love to end up doing the same, even though he should have figured by now, that nothing can truly turn out as one imagines it might. That no matter what path one chooses to take, they'll never truly know what lies down it until they go.

He almost lost his only chance to act during the last mission, through no fault of his own or even Blue's, because of those unknowns. But every time he looks at the other's face now, at those tired eyes and pale skin and lusterless hair, Yzak realizes that he can't risk hesitation, and that this luck can only be stretched so far. And that luck already feels like it should have torn beyond repair a long time ago; thank goodness it hasn't. The pros and cons have been weighed, and there's only one more thing to do before he can take action.

It's late one night in the infirmary, time enough passed that it's emptied out of those who needed aid following their last mission. ]

Blue. I'm coming by.

[ He reaches out with his mind to give him the heads up. And to make sure Blue isn't sleeping. It's not anything new for Yzak to drop by at all hours of the day and night, he's grown accustomed to following up on any urge he gets to just wish to see Blue. ]

You need anything?

[ P o l i t e as always. ]

[there's no denying that dwindling stream of luck, because it was luck in of itself that Blue even lives - that enough pieces fell into place as the ceiling collapsed, that Rey and Yzak could be conveyed to him. that they could all live. despite his own wishes, his awareness can't deny it: his time is almost up. whether it's a hazard on the mission or the simple failure of his body to keep up with the magics and medicines pumped into him, he knows he's such a frayed thread.

what's scarier than that is this growing feeling inside him: the acceptance. amidst the pain, beyond the haze of chemicals and Force...Blue keeps meeting this sensation more and more when he drifts. is it his body which yearns the rest? or is it somewhere in his unconscious heart?

either way, it terrifies him; he can't let Yzak and the others go so willingly. he has to fight. he was a soldier before, he must be now.

he's drifting again when that thought ripples into his mind and gives him a gentle, but very necessary startle. relief floods in swiftly after.

need anything? many things. but for now:] Just you.

[ Blue can't see it, but perhaps he can feel (or just, you know, know by now since Yzak is Yzak and more predictable than he'd claim to be) the slight flustering at the response; even with everything else hanging so heavy there's always that warm, comforting feeling of love and kindness when he hears something like that directed at him. Doubly so now, because he in turn needs Blue, too.

That's exactly why he's coming by.

He's over the physical part of the flustering by the time he pokes his head into the infirmary, cheeks no longer heated. Though the feeling always lingers on in his heart, basically a permanent part of it by now. ]

Hey.

[ A nod, and for a couple of moment he keeps his expression neutral, simply unwilling to let the corners of his lips dip into a frown. Now isn't the time for that. Now is the time to be resolute. So he marches over to take a seat at Blue's bedside as he's done since their return - as he's done many times even before that. ]

I know it's late, but ... I need to talk to you. [ Even with his eyes reflective of that determination he feels, it also carries an apprehension of the unknown. A fear of failure and the helplessness he's felt so often when it came to being able to do anything for Blue. One that's so much more prominent now because he's more than aware, too, that the clock is winding down.

It's strange, both how focused he feels and yet how so many thoughts and emotions are swirling in his mind right now. ]

[it'd be simple enough to say you can always talk to me, but the atmosphere Yzak's brought with him speaks a lot without words. Blue sits up, back against the headboard, a hand out for Yzak to take. whatever he's carrying...Blue wants to know the weight of it; perhaps there's a way to carry it, too.]

I'll listen. Tell me.

[ A way to carry it, too... he doesn't want Blue to have to carry anything else. At least not like this, not when he's already so very tired from all he's had to and continues to carry. He's always so willing to take on the burdens of many, and Yzak doesn't want this to be yet another that he has to shoulder. ]

I spoke to Viveca, recently. About Giva. About how Angrial asked for something from the orb she held in her hands, and was granted that exchange in order to save Entr'i's life.

[ His eyes lock onto Blue's offered hand, reaching to take it with one of his own. As a result, echoes of those memories come through more vividly as Yzak recalls them. “Amulet. Save her. Fix the wound… and stop the battle. All of it. I give you what she gave.”

You saw what Angrial gave up, Viveca told him, the vision of her wings burning away, feather by feather until only the small nubs where they once furled out from remained replaying in his mind.

She paid a price. And she didn't regret it. That fact is what burns brightest in his mind when he thinks about it. ]

She was granted her wish immediately, whereas you ... you tried to change your reason for being here. But nothing's changed since then. [ He says that very matter of factly; nothing about Blue has gotten better at all. ]

I understand why that is, now.

[Blue's brow furrows a bit as he listens and takes on the echo of that memory once more - much more prominent when retold before, given the intention in Yzak's heart; his recollection is dictated by those wishes, so parts of that memory are clearer than others.

mention of his own wish pulls a bit more of a frown, and it doesn't really need to much puzzling to connect what's been presented before him.]

Because...there's nothing I can give. In exchange. That satisfies the wish.

There's always something one can give.

[ He shakes his head. ]

No. Viveca explained to me that our agreement, our contract is with the Orb, as it will be when all of its pieces are reunited. As such, what we ask of it can't be paid in advance - only once the Orb is complete will our end of the contract be fulfilled. So until then, no matter how many times one changes their reason for being here, that wish won't become a reality until this journey of ours is over.

But she told me there's a difference, between the orbs we seek out and the Orb, the entity it is when they've been merged together. And that it's possible to make a contract with one before it joins with the other, independent of the original reason we've come here.

[Blue's mouth presses into a thin line as a safeguard from even the chance he utters any sound to interfere, but he can't bar his mind from racing.]

But...those come with a price, too... [those torn wings.]

They do.

But Blue, you— [ He stops sharply, feeling a sudden lump in his throat, fingers of the hands both holding Blue's and the other on his lap curling. His gaze briefly drops, unfocused, to the ground, and he pulls in a slow, deep breath through his nose. It comes back out as a sigh, releasing at least some of the sudden build up along with it. And then he continues, voice not cracking like it would have, had he not taken that moment. ] You're not ... going to make it to the end of this.

[ There's a deep, painful assuredness in the statement, devoid of the hope he'd force himself to desperately cling to. But Blue has to be able to feel it better than anybody can see it, and staring at him in this moment ... it's so, so clear to see. It serves to both break Yzak's heart and swell a once-thought nearly impossible determination in him. ]

I wouldn't be able to live with myself, if I did nothing but sit back and let that happen, I'd regret it so much that I'd want to change the reason I came here in the first place. And I know you'd hate that, because you care for your people as much as I do mine, and wouldn't want your own life put above theirs. I'd ... hate it, and myself, too. [ And yet, the selfish theoretical has crossed his mind many times before, as that sort of human nature simply can't be helped. Would he actually do something like that? He'd like to say no, but truly he doesn't know, and that's the part that frightens him. ]

That's why, if there's a way something can actually be done, that this potential exists to help you without burdening you with the guilt of giving up my regret or the pain of anything else being taken away from you, I want to do it.

[the realization of intent comes slowly, but surely as Yzak speaks, and fear starts to shape the expression Blue wears. his heart clenches in tandem with his stomach, and his skin prickles with goosepimples as Yzak makes the case for trying to...keep from burdening him with guilt...

he says that, and yet...!]

...Yzak... [his mouth closes briefly as he struggles with this appeal.] Yzak, we don't...the capricious nature of these powers, the costs...

I know. [ He says firmly, agreeing. He's more than well aware of things by now. He's seen it - on Badrock with Blue and Sabriel, and then the way the orb seemed gleeful in the end. The Precursors on the train, even Blue's words now and the fear in them, rampant in his earpiece over the network during the last mission. But he's also seen So-Yeon, Angrial and Entr'i...

His own expression tightens some when Blue speaks those fears outloud. Fears and thoughts that have spun through his mind so many times by now. But no matter how many times they did, no matter how many times he thought about the different potentials, the outcomes, Blue's voice was also there through it all: we won't know if the decision we made was the right one until it's all over. ]

I know that.

But we have an idea by now, of how they work, of some of the rules they're bound to.

[ He hears Viveca's voice in his mind again; It could take some of your memories, transfer what ails Blue to you instead, take your eyesight... the countless possibilities beyond even those examples. Some worth it, some even he knows would only serve to pain them both more. But what the reality of that would actually be ... is what remains unknown.

And Yzak doesn't want to chance fearing that unknown if doing so is going to mean losing Blue. Because that scares him a hell of a lot more. ]

[an idea, but not a guarantee. Blue hardly needs to impress that, does he? and yet, here's Yzak with this idea cementing in his heart...]

Yzak, it... You know it wouldn't be worth the cost...if it meant taking you away from me.

[ Much like when he spoke to Viveca, he feels the corners of his lips tug downward at the thought. Transfer what ails Blue to you instead. The orbs would be that spiteful. The orbs could be that spiteful. But those, too, are merely ideas and not guarantees, aren't they? ]

If it meant turning the tables and just - putting you in my position ... I wouldn't want it, either. [ Saying that comes with a sting of guilt, because he doesn't like to speak aloud how much it's hurt, how much it hurts to be where he is. To know that Blue is going to be taken away from him soon enough. As Blue's life slowly frayed over time, so too has Yzak's heart despite the love he has in it. Always feeling as though his hold on him can slip at any moment and it's just a matter of when. Yzak never has to say it outloud, because he feels it strongly enough and knows that Blue can, too. And that's already enough. ] I'd have to be an absolute fucking idiot if I agreed to something like that...!

But you're being taken away from me already. [ He already has been, technically. ] And if I can do something about that, I want to try.

[ He brings up their intertwined hands, elbow on the mattress to brace as he dips his head to press his forehead against them. ] It's always felt like no matter how many paths I'd have ahead of me to take, paths with you on them, there'd always be something there, ready to stop us. [ There's that heavy thump he feels in his chest when he says that, accompanied by the visceral, burning rejection his very soul tries to rile against it all with.

Yzak's fingers tighten around Blue's hand. ] If I could, I'd smash every single thing blocking our way to pieces if it means getting where I want to be. [ He remembers their shared dreams in his home, he recalls his face buried against Blue's shoulder to hide the tears he couldn't stop when that feeling of powerlessness became too much to bear. ] I want to. But I don't know if I can.

All I can do right now is take this chance to give you the one thing you desire in remaining here; more time.

[ His face tips back up to look at Blue, his other hand coming up to properly take his hand into both of his. ] So please, let me to try and make that wish come true. Not just for your sake, but no matter what awaits us at the end of this, whether you can stay with me or if we'll even remember any of it at all, if success means you'll be able to stay here, with me, to reach that end by my side, it will have been worth it.

[Blue's chest tightens, the ache growing as Yzak pours his heart out like this. captive fingers can only just curl a bit out of reflex to the growing pressure of his hold - a little painful, but terribly important.

the ask flies in the face of who Blue has always felt in relation to others, as he's been the one tasked with caring for them, responsible for shouldering the weight of their wishes whether he can realize them or not. he knows the strain - strain Yzak's raging against to not just endure, but change. that's something Blue had not been able to do enough of in all his time: change things for the better.

when Yzak looks back up, Blue's free hand is there to reach for his face, himself sitting more forward to him. as much as the hope which sparks this plan comes from Entr'i in Yzak, the fear of consequence from Ford presses in on Blue. grasping what he already has...is almost all he knows how to do, but Yzak's not content to let things crumble to dust in their grip.

Jomy was like that, too. cognizant of the past and present, but hungry for the future and strong enough to fight for it.

someone really is always carrying his dreams for him, Blue realizes, looking at his love. what can he say to oppose him besides utterances of fear? what can he do but try to match such a resolve? Yzak's owed that much and more.]

Refusing you now...would be wrong. Even if I'm afraid...of what harm could come to you. Because your will is set, isn't it? [he strokes his cheek with his thumb.] Because this is...where I've brought you. To this point.

[ He leans into that touch to his face, still never daring to allow himself to assume he'll always have Blue's hands here to hold him. But the determination to not lose them rivals it.

He lets out a gentle little huff, that stubborn, prideful side of him unwilling to keep itself subdued. ] I can't let you take all the credit there. Nobody brings me anywhere I don't want to be myself. [ There were so many times where he could have cut himself away because he could bear the pain of it if the alternative was worse. Plagued by fears of rejection, of jealousy and abandonment and self worth, of being enough or too much, worth this level of devotion at all. Those fears are always there, not just from past experiences setting those scars onto his heart, but because to have them at all is simply part of being alive.

He's here, now, not because Blue brought him here, but because they've both come here together. ]

[Blue's mouth twitches in half a smile, his breath leaving in a puff even as his eyes shine wetly.]

Oh, my heart... You're right. I know. [because he's smart enough to know when to cut losses, right?] I know... I just can't help but fear for you. Even if...in the same breath, I'm so happy to know you.

[ He can accept that fear, if it means getting the only approval for this that he needs. He doesn't give a shit what anybody else's opinion on the matter would be. For all that Yzak does enjoy approval from others, he can't help but be himself and do what he feels in his heart in the end.

He has that fear in himself, too, only his is more rooted in failure than it is in paying a price for something that he desires. ]

I know I can't make you feel any differently. But even despite those fears, put your trust in me. [ Those hands squeeze together over Blue's. ] To make a choice that I know I can live with. If it asks for something I know I can't bear to lose, or something that would only make the time you want hurt to have ... then I won't accept it. [ Even though, if it came to that, he'd still be losing something that he won't be able to bear to lose.

His own expression softens some. ]

You should know well enough by now, though, there's not much that I wouldn't be willing to give up for you.

...I know. [and that's dreadful and wonderful at the same time. but that's the cost of being so intertwined, isn't it?]

And I know...you won't be rash, will you. Because I can tell...how much you've thought about this. Learned and planned... And if such a thing is even possible...to be safe, to be a greater good than evil...than it can only be you who can find that reality. I know that, too.

Learned and planned, but almost lost my chance. If things had gone even a little differently back there... [ Back on their last mission. If Peter hadn't been there to pull him away, if he and Rey hadn't been there to keep him with them... ]

I probably had my answer from the very beginning, but I had to be sure. Be sure and make sure that this wouldn't burden you more than you already are, because this isn't just about what I want. [ That's what love is at its core, isn't it? Not just thinking about yourself. Wanting to make somebody else happy. Navigating a life in tandem like a second wing, trying to find that joy you can both share together. ]

I've always felt like I could only do so much for you. [ Powerless to stop Blue from being ripped away from him, from everyone. Powerless to ease his pains and help him along the ways the medicine and the chakra and the Force can. ] So maybe now, I finally can.

And even if...those powers can't see our wishes through... You'll still have me. The one etched in your memories. [he strokes at his cheek again before lifting his hand to comb through his hair.] I know...that's not the one you wish to keep...but it's the one you have for certain.

And the rest of me...right now, I'll follow you. On this path.

[ Yzak doesn't want if to be any part of his vocabulary regarding this. But he knows. Just as Blue knows when he feels that push back against those ifs (because even those memories hang in the balance), that feeling of settling that he'd have to accept. That he doesn't want to.

Blue wants more time to remain here for the sake of others as much as himself. To see them through to the end and help their own contracts be fulfilled and their wishes granted. More than he cares about his own original reason for being here, now. Such a selfless desire ... to hardly be able to do even that because of how things are is so unfair. That's in part why Yzak wants to do this;

"I want to stay."

"I don't want to die."

Blue who wishes to support others deserves to be supported in turn. This dream of his deserves to be a reality as much as the ones he wants to see others become.

But right now, as Blue said, he's still here, and he'll walk alongside him. So to that, Yzak says nothing else to anything else Blue says or his own thoughts that push back against them except: ]

Thank you.

[ His arms curl in to bring the the hand he's holding to his chest, and he tips his head in to lean it against Blue's, shutting his eyes and letting out an uneven breath. The fingers in his hair soothe him, remind him that Blue is still here and this is still real, not just a memory, ultimately retained or not. The fact that he's sworn to stay with him, walk with him, supports him in this means more than anything to Yzak. He's always done so, when it came to facing an unknown path ahead of them, yet that gratefulness inside of him has never faded. ]

[Blue's eyes close as well, but the vision of Yzak's resolve remains clear in his mind, both beautiful and frightening. like standing on the precipice of a great height, uncertain of the drop...

he's never regretted the thrill of a flight, though.]

No matter what... I love you, Yzak Jule.

[ And Yzak himself has no fear of heights. No fear of heights nor fear to jump into that unknown.

A least not so much anymore. Doing just that is how he got here in the first place, after all. And despite every tug in the back of his mind, every shadowy tendril of apprehension that tried to hold him back, he doesn't regret it in the least.

(and wouldn't it be nice to see blue get to enjoy that sensation of a thrilling flight outside of a dream...? even if he couldn't join him)

Even with the weight of the resolve to succeed on top of the weight of the pain they both carry already that just sits there on his heart, it feels like it weighs nothing when those words stir a warmth deep inside of him. ]

I love you. [ Spoken and said in his mind as well, one hand moving from enveloping Blue's to slipping around his neck to keep him close. Fingers of the hand that remains slip between his to lace them together. No matter what. Success or failure. Pain or joy. Sickness or health. No matter what. Though the threat of the worst tearing through them still remains, he feels so very lucky to have this right now. To have him. ]

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Julog

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