ximilialog | [Mostly Open] So we'll press, and press 'til you can't take it anymore!

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[Mostly Open] So we'll press, and press 'til you can't take it anymore!

CHARACTERS: Precursors and you. And Eventually Newton. Hopefully!
LOCATION: A holding room in Ximilia Station.
DATE: Est. two days post-mission, after the kaiju is defeated and the orb is retrieved.
CONTENT: The precursors are revealed — and are finally removed from Newt's mind.
WARNINGS: Possession and the bodily autonomy issues that come with that. More will be added if necessary!

Closed and opened starters will be added as I go, which will be announced on plurk! But if you don't use plurk or would rather keep an eye out by email/tracking, feel free to use the tracking option and mark to receive notifs any new top level comments posted to this log! The log will involve an open starter to visit the precursors where they're cuffed/contained in the room, so stay tuned.

Also no rush once the open starters are posted!

Feel free to focus on the player plot log first and come back to this later.

CLOSED STARTER | THE DOCTOR
DARKLING'S TOP LEVEL | WHILE NEWT WAS SLEEPING...
OPEN STARTER | THE PRECURSORS, REVEALED
CLOSED FINAL CONCLUSION | THE PRECURSORS, REMOVED
OPEN PROMPTS | NEWTON GEISZLER'S RETURN

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

（ odd hour of the night, or just the (frankly, insane) time he gets up for his morning routine? you decide.

but itachi is here regardless, and is making tea and a series of small side-dishes for the morning's meal. about the third time the Hiccup of Melancholy occurs, he opts to speak — ）

Would you like breakfast?

（ yes, newt, he knows it's you. you aren't subtle, you little weirdo. ）

[At the sudden sound of Itachi's voice, there's a choking sound, one that implies a man has nearly suffocated on ice cream going down his windpipe.

After a sputtering rasp, and a thumping hand on a chest, the kitchen counter speaks in a congested voice:]

Uh...!

It's not — me.

（ there is. a long pause.

it happens as he's deboning a (fresh, thank you viveca) fish, so his silence is punctuated only by the whisper-sharp sound of a knife in flesh.

then: ）

Naturally. Some other Newton Geiszler. Does he want breakfast?

[Some Other Newton Geiszler grows quiet again.

Expectedly, he is desperately wiping up his face with the inside of his jacket.

The next moment is him bracing himself and summoning the willpower to act like everything's fine, even though his eyelids are swollen and red and he's cradling the tub of half-vanished ice cream like an infant.]

... What're you makin'?

（ as he sets the rice cooker — ）

Grilled salmon, rice, miso, several side dishes.

（ if he has thoughts on the man's current appearance, he does not voice them. instead, he just points to a roll of paper towel helpfully left out on the counter, all without looking at him. don't use your sleeve, philistine. gross. ）

[Huh? Oh. He puts down the ice cream and grabs some sheets from the roll, trying to quietly wipe his face; tragically, there's no quiet way to blow your nose, but he does offer an apologetic side-glance for once in his obnoxious life... Maybe embarrassing yourself by sobbing behind a kitchen counter makes you more self-aware.

Stuffily, he says:]

... Sounds good. Got stationed in Hong Kong, so rice was a big part of the diet. But, man — miso soup's awesome. Whenever I got sick or overworked or whatever people wanna call it, Mako was cool enough to make some and drop it off...

[Apparently, this was more routine than it should've been.]

（ and so, obligingly, he portions out another salmon steak. ）

You are from the same world as Raleigh Becket, correct? With the Jaegers?

（ it's a rhetorical question — he already knows the answer, and is offering it merely as a way to explain to newt that he has that context, at least. he continues a moment later, — ）

Did you enjoy Hong Kong?

（ this is positively chatty for itachi, as much a kindness as he ever offers to anyone. ）

Yeah. Same place, same organization.

[Raleigh, a old-time returner. He'd been glad to have the chance to really know him. But... it's hard to think about the fact that Raleigh and Hermann are both gone. So he focuses on the other question, because it's easier.]

Hong Kong was pretty awesome, yeah. Crazy-good places to eat on every corner — and in a few creepy alleyways, too. I didn't get out of the Shatterdome much; usually staring at metal walls with all that artificial lighting. So... any time I got to actually travel was great.

[The shatterdome wasn't that dramatically different from the Ximilia, turns out.

Just... lacking sorely in sunlight rooms and budget.

He rubs his thumb absently over his knuckles, sniffing.]

How about you? You much for traveling?

（ piecemeal information, tucked away for later.

once he has the second piece of salmon on to grill (thank you modern cooking technology) he leans against the countertop a short distance away, arms folded. ）

Yes.

（ that is a complete answer to that question, thank u.

but he knows it's not to the spirit of the socialization he has (unfortunately) invited, so after a long moment of just staring at newt in an expressionless deadpan, he continues — ）

My life necessitated such things. However, I do not know that you would consider it extensive — I did not leave the continent on which I was born, and the communities I visited all spoke similar dialects within the same root language. However, there were considerable variances in culture and clime.

[He smiles, and though it doesn't quite reach his eyes like usual, it's something.]

I'd say good for you for getting out more, but traveling for work totally stinks. I bet you didn't relax a second during any of it; no tiki drinks in your hand or laying out by the poolside, or going to an awesome concert with cute chicks. [A pause.] And dudes.

[He leans into his palm, looking thoughtfully at Itachi's hands as he worked.

(He's got nice hands. He'll have to tease him about it later.)]

I was really lucky... Traveled all over the place. And now look at us, traveling whole planets.

I did not say it was for work.

（ like, it was. but he didn't say it was. gosh, newt, you and your assumptions. ）

I do admit it is... interesting, to see other worlds in this manner.

（ other peoples, other cultures. he has held most of his own close to his chest, unwilling to impart it to those who would only judge what they do not understand of it. but, by that stroke, he is beginning to see the flaws replete in his home. konoha is not perfect, but others holding that same opinion when they had not lived there would rankle. ）

Which has been your favourite of the places we have travelled to? I know you have been here longer than I have.

Super interesting. If not for the life and death part of it, this would be the sweetest vacation ever.

[Also, the being infected by aliens, but... that would have happened with or without being here. He tries really, really hard not to think about that right now. But he is. So he pushes into the next question with urgency.]

Places we've travelled! Oh, man. Which place was even the first one you'd been to...? The first place was pretty amazing. The emperor there was a piece of shit, but before things got hairy and a bunch of crewmembers got turned into literal monsters, we got to stay in the palace. Drinks and fancy guitars and robes... And the outside market was amazing. Anything you'd wanna buy, you could find it.

And stuff that would appeal to your style, too. It had a very... Eastern Asian vibe?

[Absently, he adds:]

... Braccia was pretty neat, too, but it definitely felt more 1950's America.

Kilnan.

（ he met him on that first mission, where newt had told him he had 'gorgeous' eyes. he had been mystified then and faintly offended — the sharingan is a weapon, not something to be aesthetically admired — but now he has just come to grudging understanding that it is simply who newt is as a person. ）

Is that where you are from originally? America.

（ look, americans are... particular. newt's egregious loudness would suit what else he has learned. ）

[Yup, that's Newt. Invasive little guy with cry-eyes, a big tub of ice-cream, and the uncanny ability to get a free breakfast. His mind staggers a little over Kilnan, because that was where the precursors broke Clara's arm, but...

He pushes that thought back and forcefully brightens.]

Kilnan! Right! That castle was super awesome...

[He eats a spoonful of rocky road.]

Mmmf, I'm from Germany, actually! Ich bin Berliner. But I was always American in my heart and soul. Especially somewhere in the Boston or New York area. [He knows he's speaking complete gibberish to Itachi at this point, so he helps the poor guy out:] America's a pretty big place. Lots of different subcultures.

I actually moved there when in my teen years to go to college. Stayed until giant monsters attacked, then went all over the place for work travel.

I have seen New York.

（ in the simulation room, he means. he tilts his head curiously — trying to sift through the ash of what newt says to light on something worth discussing. ）

The kaijū. A 'strange beast'.

（ with uncanny timing, he turns to the grill just three seconds before its alarm chime goes off, silencing it with a finger, and then takes down several dishes. a bowl to fill with miso, a small plate for a variety of pickled vegetables, a plate for the rice and the fish. he does not know if newton eats with chopsticks or a fork, so he provides both as he brings the food to him, sets it down and holds out a hand for the ice cream. ）

The state of your world sounds as if it was very dire.

（ but the unity of it all... it is very much like what akatsuki was attempting to accomplish. use the bijū like a knife at the throat of all the shinobi nations, to force them into peace against a larger scale threat. ）

New York's awesome; the kind of place that crawls for the sun.

[He looks torn on whether to give up the ice cream, because what if he wants to eat even more of it after his breakfast? But ultimately, with a little huff, he relinquishes control of the delicious dairy product. You fiend.

To his credit, though, he collects the chop sticks and uses them as well as anyone native to them would; the joys of living in Hong Kong 'technically'... while also being a weeb.]

But — yeah! The kaiju. They were appearing more and more consistently, and were stronger every time. [As he takes a bite (and then looks very very pleased before taking a bigger bite), he eventually grows more somber.] We were pretty bad off toward the end of the war. Like... days away from complete destruction, and we were the only ones standing between it.

（ he puts the ice cream away, and then fixes up his own series of dishes, choosing to sit... not beside, but only one seat down from newt.

he has gotten good at contextual inferences, but 'crawls for the sun' eludes him. he pictures a mechanical city, moving apace of the day, but he is certain that gwen would have told him as much.

he's too literal for this, send help. still, rather than ask, he focuses instead on what it is newton says afterwards. he is silent for a time, lifting the bowl of miso up for a drink, and once he has set it back down again — ）

What you did, for your people. It was foolish. （ he shakes his head faintly. ） But it was also very brave. I understand why it felt like your only option, when the alternative was annihilation. And it is not your fault you did not know how it would turn out.

[It's easy to flinch at the beginning of Itachi's commentary, to look down at his food like it requires his full attention. Chopsticks fidget in his hands — and he almost expects something along the lines of that Kirigan had said. It's not that he things Itachi's an asshole or anything; no, he knows some harsh words are earned by the people he'd hurt, whether they came out of that injured or distrustful or worried for their fellow crewmate.

So the look of baffled surprise he gives Itachi when he doesn't say some sharp, wounding words is very genuine. If anything, he can at least be clear in his guilt, in his regret for what's happened, and it's no more obvious than the exhausted gratitude his face carries now.

That's the hard thing about it, huh? It really was... one of his last options available.

If their last jaegers had been destroyed in the bottom of that ocean alongside a nuke that couldn't get through the breach, that would've been it. That would've been earth's final swan call, just before the kaiju descended on them and gutted the insides of the world until nothing remained.

It's a sobering thought.]

Thanks, Itachi.

... For the breakfast, too.

[He sniffs, taking another bite.]

... It's not over yet. How it turned out... I think I can still make things right.

（ gross, he should not be feeling feelings over this weird little man. but he is — truthfully, newton has only ever been nice (if overenthusiastic) to him. and the fact of the matter is, the things one does to save their people... the lengths to which one will go, he knows that all too well himself. ）

You speak of changing your regret?

[He nods, eyes glued to his chopsticks as he scoops rice.]

Yeeup. I spoke with Viv, and she says I can.

It comes with a price we've gotta pay... some kind of extra payment of sorts, y'know? You never know what it'll be, just that it's something they take as an exchange. But if things go well, and I agree to whatever they ask in return... there'll be a chance I can save everyone the precursors ever killed or hurt. The people who died on the train... the people who died on my planet... the other worlds they effected...

If they just... never existed.

My job'd be done.

Edited 2022-06-06 04:46 (UTC)

That is not your responsibility.

（ he doubts that newton will see it that way, but it needs to be said regardless. ）

All life, species' and planets comes to an end on a long enough scale. The lives lost... who is to say new life has not come to those desolate worlds in the aftermath? Something nascent, that would be destroyed by your actions. Also, you cannot know that by eradicating the Precursors, by bringing back all they have killed, that a worse evil will not rise in their place. It is a delicate balance. Looking to the past as a solution solves nothing.

（ he sounds firm on this point, dark eyes fixed on newt with intensity. ）

Consider — if you are able to save those in your world that died. What would you change? What would you destroy? People may have married, had children, that never would have met if not for what the kaijū wreaked upon your world. Humans are resilient. They can heal from anything if you give them space and freedom enough, and tragedies fade from the mind. Who are you to erase that pain? You do not have the right to take away the growth, the love, the lives that would come of the change you are proposing. You see it as saving the dead — but the dead do not care, and the living can endure.

（ the hypocrisy of such a thing is not lost on him. is he not doing the same? even if the massacre is not to be averted, he is still here to change sasuke's fate. he exhales, sharply, and then looks away. ）

You know how to beat them now. It is better to take that knowledge to your world as it is, and fight. Do not permit your guilt to convince you that this idea has merit. You have to be better than them, creatures who set themselves above others. This idea of yours is not dissimilar to their methods — you would be playing as a god with the lives of trillions. Even if your intentions differ, in how many places, in how many ways might the outcome be the same?

[He sits quietly for a moment, looking wearily at the bowl in front of him. It's easy to feel the curdling of his food in his stomach, easy to feel a quiet swelling of frustration, of — something else he can't quite place, but claws up his throat like daggered hands.]

... Are you going to give every person here this high and mighty speech, Itachi?

[Low and brittle.]

Yourself and everyone else? All of us here, working to undo things that'll have huge impacts on our world? On who lives and dies? Are you gonna stop us from collecting orbs and vastly changing the future all these planets we visit? Are you gonna make sure everyone else's changes aren't too big? Aren't too small? Just right for you?

Oh, that guy over there, he's trying to bring back his dead family; his dead family doesn't care, right? Or — oh no, that lady over there, her world gets blown into smithereens! But ah, life finds a way, and something else will totally come of it. Mmm, can't let so-and-so accomplish their regret, because if they save that one friend they super love, it'll change which babies are born in the next billion years. Someone regrets not making some life-changing cure...? That's no good! What about the people who would have married the poor bastards that didn't die from it? Oh, hers over there is fine, because hers prevents a world-ending psychopath from being born in a hundred years.

But you're here, and you want to use the orbs to fix something you apparently have no right to fix, but yours is just the right amount of okay. Tell yourself, "Oh, I can wield me some what-ifs like big fucking swords at people who have nothing but what-ifs pushing them them forward!"

Oh, but Newt's not allowed to erase the pain that won't happen if he fixes things.

That'd be too wrong. The people on that train died for a reason! The cycle of fucking life, right?

[He still can't look at Itachi, but he's not really looking at anything in the room with him right now. His eyes are staring straight through his food, and as he sits there, sweat prickles his neck, and the air becomes stagnant and thin and hard to take in.]

... Do you know what happens to the planets they consume? You haven't seen it. You don't know what happens. There's no — there's no desolate worlds left. There's nothing. [His tingling fingers tremble around the chopsticks.] They eat the bones, too. There's nothing. Not a sound. Do you know what that looks like? When there's nothing?

Edited 2022-06-06 14:38 (UTC)

（ the censure is deserved, he does not flinch from it. instead, he waits patiently until newton is done, and then — ）

My point — that it is not your responsibility — remains. You are one man. You have already suffered enough for this.

（ it surprises him, in a sense, that he has come to care for this strange man enough that he — perhaps selfishly — does not wish to see him continue to do so by means of a new deal with the orbs. but then, those who suffer rarely see the truth of it in themselves. it is easier to take on the pain of others than to acknowledge what lives in your own heart.

trying to bring back his dead family. newt has no way of knowing how closely that cleaves to his own regret, and that the grasping hands of the dead do not let him rest.

he rises smoothly, and carries his empty dishes to the sink. ）

I apologize if I have overstepped. I will speak no more on the matter. What you do, after all, is your choice.

[He'll find it a little mortifying later, just how much of that first comment he doesn't actually hear in the moment. But after a second, words register, and the buzzing in his ears suddenly stops, leaving him thrumming with defensive energy and unpleasant thoughts, most of which are... admittedly not about Itachi whatsoever. His head snaps up and he looks confused by the apology — as if he hadn't expected it, because he hadn't — until his expression slides into contrition.

The strange little man clears his throat, steadying his breaths and taking a moment to count backwards from ten — in German, always in German, because Illia's voice has always been the anchor to the routine.

Should he apologize? He feels like they'll all start gagging on how much he's shoving it down their throats. Sorry this, sorry that. Sorry sorry sorry. He's gonna have to change his nationality to Canadian if he doesn't watch it. His lips thin, and he looks disappointedly at his plate, knowing he's not gonna be able to eat anymore of this right now. It's cool. Everything's cool; he'll eat it, he swears.]

It's fine. It's — I'm just...

[Something. He's something, right now.]

Don't apologize to the guy who was crying like a baby under the counter.

[His point is — he's not really fit to be conversing with in the first place. Not that he was particularly any good at controlling his temper before this, and yeah, he would've probably ended up in a one-sided shouting match before, but he also feels like the room doesn't have any air in it right now, and that's just not right. He logics this out: you're not well, go back to your room, Mr. Geiszler.

Picking up his own plate with hands that still feel kind of funny, he stacks some of the smaller bowls on one side of it, clears his throat.]

I shouldn't really be out here right now, so — I'm gonna take this to my room, but, uh. Thank you for making it. Again. That was — cool of you. And it tastes great. [He gives a short bow, because he's lived beside and among cultures who practically thrive on bowing, and it comes easy.] Seriously, it's really good, so-

[Is this a precursor to him fleeing a scene he feels thoroughly discomfited by?

Maybe. Nobody else has to know.]

Edited (me not wanting to use the same word too close together 2022) 2022-06-06 16:18 (UTC)

（ he finishes with his dishes, setting them on the rack to dry and turns as he dries his hands on a towel. his expression has not changed, is no less serious — but as he looks at newt, one corner of his mouth quirks up very slightly. ）

You were crying? （ there's just a faint note of surprise there, and he makes a soft, airy hm that is altogether very unlike him. ） It must have escaped my notice.

（ it's a way of saying he won't tell a soul — framed as gentle teasing.

after his hands are dried, he steps forward and — with some difficulty that is altogether more mental than physical — puts a hand on newt's shoulder. elegant fingers flex faintly — as reassurance goes, it is a poor, meagre thing. but it is nevertheless an attempt. ）

Many people care a great deal about you. I understand that it is easier to be alone, but — know that you do not need to be. （ gentler, ） I have faith that whatever you decide will be the correct thing.

（ about isolating himself? about making a second deal for his regrets? both, perhaps. he knows that newt cares very deeply about a great many things — would he have tested the pulsefire on himself if he hadn't? he does wonder, after his talk with what must have been the precursors, if it has healed as well as they implied. ）

IV

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