ximilialog | [open] it's okay to be afraid

Entry tags:

[open] it's okay to be afraid

CHARACTERS: Clara Oswald & OPEN
LOCATION: Around the station
DATE: Mid February
CONTENT: General open catchall
WARNINGS: will update as needed

General Pacing;
[The first thing Clara does after coming back from the mission is the same thing she always does. Check in on the people she cares about. Those check ins quickly lead to Clara realizing something that is absolutely devastating. The Doctor isn't here any longer. Or rather, one of him is still around, but the younger of the two is vanished without a trace. She tries to recall the fact the same thing had happened to her months ago, but it's hard to remain calm when her thoughts are racing and all of her worst fears are coming true.

The Doctor is gone, so soon after getting injured on the mission. And she hadn't gotten to say goodbye. She's not ready for this. Not yet. It doesn't matter if she's already lived through his loss once. She isn't ready to do it again. Not until she says it's time.

Her lack of control over everything here spirals out of control, and for the next day she'll be found wandering the corridors of the station in an anxious, frantic state. She doesn't eat, doesn't go shower or get changed. She simply frets and works herself up into a state that has her ready to break into the North Wing so she can go yell at the orb and demand the Doctor's return.]

Simulation Room;
[It's well past the point where any rational person would be sleeping, especially given the physical strain their bodies all have recently gone through. Clara can't sleep with how many thoughts are currently storming their way around her head. So she takes to the simulation room and finds her way back to the planet where her adventures began.

She sits out at the edge of one of the rocky surface, legs dangling over the edge as she watches the old god off in the distance. Her head's tipped to the side as she regards it, hand clutching hold of a giant maple leaf. She's vaguely aware that someone's come to join her, and she doesn't glance their way before speaking.]

Do you really think it's possible that our regrets can be undone?

Infirmary;
[She has friends in the infirmary. People who were injured on the mission, and those that seem to never leave the sides of people who are currently on bedrest there. So she's in and out of the area frequently, bringing deliveries of tea and offers of company. Most of the time she's reading from one of her books, pleased to share her love of literature with them.

But for those that are standing watch over others she often arrives with a snack and coffee on a tray. She's ready to lecture them on taking care of themselves, knowing she hasn't slept in days and could use the lecture herself.]

Mess Hall;
[Clara sits for hours at a table after preparing tea in a little mug. She doesn't drink it, she just cradles the mug in both hands and stares down. Her mind is starting to slow down from sheer exhaustion, but she stubbornly refuses to give in. So she starts to doze off, head dropping downward each time she does. But instead of just letting herself sleep, she keeps snapping awake, clutching hold of the mug tighter. Each time, she only starts to nod off moments later.

Eventually, she does fall asleep, draped across the table. The mug of tea is still in one of her hands.]

Sunlight Room;
[Her hydroponic garden has become her baby. She's grateful for the distraction that it offers her, and the hard physical labor that it provides. It helps keep her mind clear enough to focus on what needs to be done, on pruning and ensuring water supplies are kept level and things are growing properly. There's also the matter of harvesting what's now ready to be picked, something that she's all too pleased to grab the nearest person and drag them over to help with.]

These have a date with the jars I've asked for.

[She explains, holding a small basket of what looks to be strawberries and blueberries.]

You don't mind lending a hand in the kitchens next, do you?

[ooc: Closed prompts to follow in the comments. If you're interested in a closed start, hit me up at

trashpanda. Also open to Wildcard options, if you'd like to do something else!]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ River avoids Clara during the younger Doctor's absence. She can't handle so much restless energy coming from anyone but the Doctor, and frankly, she doesn't like the worry. What good does it do? She'd told her parents long ago the Doctor's death didn't frighten her. It still doesn't. Oh, of course, she doesn't want him to be gone. Not now, not yet. But their lives are long and complicated and he isn't even really hers, is he? Neither of them are. Trust an ageless god to make you feel old.

When she finds her later, well after her husband's return, it's not terribly surprising it's the middle of the night. When River does sleep, it's in short windows. More like power naps, really. She's simply a little better at hiding the exhaustion, just as she'd been better at masking her worry. ]

You should get some sleep. In an actual bed.

[ While somewhat admonishing, her words aren't unkind. ]

[In some ways, Clara appreciates the space that River gives her. She doesn't ever want River to see her at anything other than her best. A part of her is still desperate to earn the other woman's trust and respect. And Clara knows that her hurricane of emotions can be too much for most people to handle. Where River is able to mask her emotions, Clara recklessly lets them pour from her without hesitation or apology.

But in other ways, she resents the fact that she can't just go to River to discuss her feelings on the Doctor being gone. It's not like it's River's fault she can't approach her. But Clara hesitates to do anything other than suffer on her own. Her tears aren't enough to bring the Doctor back. They're also not enough to urge her to seek out River on her own.

In the end, it doesn't really matter. Their paths wind up crossing after the turmoil has passed. Clara's left drowsily peering up at River as she lifts her head off the table.]

I've been avoiding that, actually.

[Real sleep in an actual bed sounds terrifying to her right now.]

[ Sometimes River wishes she could be more like Clara, properly express what she's feeling for once. But she'd been taught young not to feel anything at all, well, apart from hate and anger. Then she'd met the Doctor, fallen in love with him, and she'd realised, being with Doctor meant you keep hiding the damage.

Now it's habit. No more secrets. No more out-of-sync timelines she's responsible for keeping on track. She's more honest than she's ever been. And still, she can't quite be anything but "collected." ]

I can see that.

[ She has her own reasons for avoiding sleep, reasons she's usually against talking about, and so she hesitates; but a moment later, she pulls out a chair and sits across from her. ]

Any particular reason?

I have nightmares. And it's been hard to keep them away being in the room alone.

[Clara tries to make that sound as casual as possible. When really it's a long standing problem after being brought back by the extractor on Gallifrey. Her time with Kovacs had helped keep them away, and breaking up with him had led the nightmares returning in full force. She hadn't slept then, but her time on the mission with the Doctor had helped make them better.

She didn't want to try resting too much during downtime, out of a fear they might return.]

It sounds so childish to say that. But they're more than just nightmares. They're...terrors, I suppose.

Hmm.

[ It's a soft acknowledgement, and a long silence follows. River's had nightmares, progressing into something worse, since she was a child. They eased when she shared a bed with the Doctor, something she'd gotten all too used to on Darillium. And in The Library, there hadn't really been dreams at all, not in the typical sense.

Then she'd been yanked back into reality, and all of that had come back. Along with an unfortunate claustrophobia she's having to work through all over again. ]

It doesn't really help, not sleeping.

[ But then, River is also terrified of allowing herself to slip, to lose herself to her instincts. It's always been harder when she's exhausted.

She offers Clara a gentle smile. ]

I'd forgotten how hard it was. Things were different in The Library.

[Clara realizes that she actually knows very little of River's story. The Doctor's told her so little, and she's never wanted to pry with River. But now that she's faced with a little mention of what happens to her, Clara can't help but be invested.]

Is that where you end up, then? A library?

[It's a gentle, quiet question. The Doctor had called River an ex. Explained that she's been dead for a while. Even River herself says she is. But what sort of death is attached to a library?]

[ River smiles that hard-to-read smile. She doesn't bother to ask how much the Doctor has told her. She assumes he hasn't said anything. He never does. He didn't talk about her when she was alive. She can hardly expect him to talk about her now she's dead.

Finally, she seems to come to a decision, taking a deep breath and nodding. ]

Yes.

The Doctor's terrible at goodbyes. So he gave himself an out, both older and younger.

[ She's well aware of the words she's chosen. She's still angry. More than that, she's hurt. And she's not even sure the Doctor's capable of understanding why. ]

He uploaded my consciousness to The Library's core.

[Clara's eyes go wide, and her head turns so River can't completely read the shock on her face. She isn't sure what to say about that reveal, because it completely violates River's autonomy and her trust. She can't imagine River would've chosen that fate.]

And here I thought my wiping his memories of me was a violation.

[She murmurs, without realizing that's not something she's supposed to talk about. Spoilers and all that. But she knows that River somehow already knows. And this conversation is just between them.]

Do you wish he would've just let you go, then?

[ She does know, and there's the briefest flicker of a sad smile. Because she knows how it had hurt him, but she knows how it must have hurt Clara, too.

Maybe that's why when Clara asks, she answers honestly. ]

Yes.

[ Not only because it had been her choice, but because she'd told him, more than once, half an existence isn't a life she ever would have wanted. Never mind the fact she'd already spent most of her life in one prison for him, and had been confined to another even before that. The last thing she ever would have asked for was to be sentenced to another after she'd died. ]

[Clara gives a small nod of her head, understanding the blunt and quick honesty. If she were in River's place, she would feel similarly. Women like herself and River, they're not meant to be contained.

It's very slowly that she reaches over to rest her hand atop River's.]

Loving the Doctor is filled with complications.

[River had said something like that to her once. It feels right to echo that she agrees with the sentiment. To let her know that she understands. Choice is important to the both of them. They both choose to love with Doctor and understand the risks and cost of that.

But the end of their stories were largely dictated by the Doctor, and his inability to let them go completely. He wants to save them so badly that he takes away their right to choose. And maybe that's why she had made the choice she did in the end, to erase herself from his memory. Sometimes a choice is just a choice in the end. There are no good options to pick, but a choice still needs to be made.]

I'm still figuring out how to navigate that. And it's okay if you still are, too.

[She imagines whatever River's feeling doesn't simply just go away with time.]

[ River's gaze strays to the hand covering hers, but she doesn't pull her hand away.

What she does do is laugh, brief and humourless. ]

Nearly 200 years, you'd think I'd have figured it out.

[ And she does know the Doctor, perhaps better than anyone. They're more alike than she'll ever admit. ]

What did he tell you about me?

[ Hard to hide the wife when she turns up to haunt you. Oh, yes, she remembers that. ]

[Clara keeps her touch brief, but gives a gentle squeeze to River's hand before letting the contact slip away.]

The Doctor's basically a billion years old and he hasn't figured himself out. I think we get a pass on account of being human.

[She speaks to that sentiment first, because she is avoiding answering the question River's asked her. It's not that she wants to lie, but the Doctor most definitely has hid details from her.]

And he...well, we both know he doesn't like endings. The day I leapt into his timestream on Trenzalore, he admitted you were his ex.

[ River doesn't bother to argue that she isn't human. Most of the time she's human enough. ]

An ex am I, now? Well, I suppose that's an upgrade from not getting mentioned at all. Time was, he couldn't even be bothered to tell the dog about me.

[ Her voice stays just light enough it's difficult to tell if she's genuinely upset, angry, or feeling some other emotion entirely. Regardless, there's a long silence before she says anything more. ]

The Doctor's a good man, but he makes mistakes, he goes too far. [ Loving the Doctor has always meant loving him at his worst as well as his best. She's seen both, and she won't ignore either. ] I'm here because the Doctor went too far.

[ At every turn of her life. ]

My parents travelled with him. That made me...the perfect choice. I was taken, turned into a weapon, given one purpose. And I fell in love.

[And in that moment, everything comes screeching to an abrupt stop in her mind. Her conversation with the Doctor at Scorpion's Bend becomes more clear now. Her eyes go wide for a moment as the weight of the truth settles in over her.]

You -

[Her hand reaches up to cover her mouth in an attempt to hide the fact her jaw has dropped.]

You're who he was talking about when he told me about Demon's Run.

[The one that he hurt. River's parents travelled with him. She was taken from them, and was turned into a weapon. And she loved the Doctor despite this. And he loved her enough to marry her.

And here she is, talking to River about loving the Doctor. About what that love means. She suddenly doesn't feel worthy to be doing that.]

He's capable of going too far. But I'm able to stop him.

[ And now he's talking about Demon's Run. Well, that's...something. She wonders if she should tell her the rest of the story.

That thought gets put on hold with her next words. ]

Yes. That's why he needs us, why he shouldn't travel alone.

He has plenty of companions here.

[But none of them share the same connection with the Doctor that they do. He needs them in a way that is unique, a way that carries more weight.]

But I worry the violence on the last mission may force a wedge between him and everyone else.

[Which means it's really up to them to keep him going. Though she doesn't have to think very hard to guess which side of the violence line River falls on. She wonders if that's put a wedge between her and the Doctor. Clara hopes that isn't the case.]

[ River's expression shifts, caught somewhere between smile and wince. She knows who and what she is, and she has no intention to start apologizing for it now. The Doctor knows, too. But equally, she knows the Doctor, and she won't stand for him to criticize her choices, not when they both know he's capable of doing just as much damage with a well-placed speech as she is charging in with a loaded gun. ]

Yes, I expect he's still not very happy with me.

But honestly, Sweetie, the feeling's somewhat mutual.

Trouble in second chance paradise, huh?

[Clara softly questions, trying to make it sound light and casual instead of horribly concerned. She wants things to go well for River here. She wants there to be a genuine second chance. And that can't happen if the Doctor is being stubborn over the violence that's often expected of the more trigger happy orbers.]

He loves you. He'll come around eventually.

[ Everyone keeps calling this a second chance. To River, it's just more stolen time, after all of hers has ran out. It's well past time she should have faded, and when all of this is over, the Doctor will go back to his life, some version of him, and she'll just be a memory.

She smiles warmly, betraying none of the heartache she's actually feeling. ]

He always does.

The Doctor knew who I was when he married me.

[ Oh, she'd tried to keep that part of herself separate from her time with him, of course. She'd never wanted him to look at her differently, like maybe she's nothing more than the psychopath she'd been raised to be. But he'd always known. ]

I was armed before I could walk.

[Clara lived such a different life from River, that she finds it hard to wrap her mind around the sort of childhood River must have had. It makes her feel unqualified to offer support, because what could she possibly have to say that would make River feel better about everything that's happened to her?]

I can see how that would make violence feel less like a choice, and more like something you're conditioned to take part in.

[It's what she finally says, once again reaching over to press her hand atop the other woman's. It's a simple gesture of compassion and support. Clara's here for her, and is grateful that River is opening up like this.]

What is it you want for yourself though, River?

[ She isn't completely wrong. River was designed to be a weapon, and she excels at it. Violence is built into her. Some children are given toys for their Birthdays. She'd been given weapons and told bedtime stories about The Furies. A fitting legend for a child created to chase a demon to his death. ]

But it was a choice, Sweetie. The Doctor and I, we don't think alike.

[ Though anyone who's spent much time with both of them might have an argument or two against that. ]

Not many people have asked me that.

[ The Doctor included. Which she realizes isn't an answer to the question. But what does she want? Exactly what she's asked for, to have lived her own life. There are plenty of things she could say she wants, things she's wanted for a while now. A life with the Doctor the long way around, a home, a family. Those aren't things she's ever going to get. That isn't her story. ]

The truth is, Clara, I think loving the Doctor is the only choice I ever made in my life that mattered.

[ In fact, she believes it might be the only choice in her life she ever made, and lately she's started to doubt even that. ]

Sometimes I feel the same way.

[But she knows that isn't true. Clara is aware that it's because of her choices that lives have been saved, that children have been taught and inspired. It's because of her choices that she made friends as a child, got to experience university. She got to experience half a life with Danny Pink because of her choices. Hell, even traveling with the Doctor had been her choice, along with only traveling with him on Wednesdays at first.

Because of her choice, Rigsy's daughter will get to grow up with a father. Her death was her own choice in the end. A tragic choice, but it's one she's given to herself. River can't say the same.

And that makes Clara's heart ache with the unfairness of it all.]

You can make the choice to be with him here. Properly. If that's what you want.

[It makes her heart ache even more to say that. Because to Clara, she knows that River has given her permission to love the Doctor. But she can't position herself to be the other woman, not when she knows River loves him as much as she does. And they're married. If River indicates that's what she wants, she knows that she'll step aside to ensure the other woman's happiness.]

He has that effect.

[ It's her way of showing she appreciates the sentiment. Even if they're both well aware Clara can't relate, not truly. The only thing River has ever really believed in is inevitability. Like the Doctor, she's always been able to see every potential, each branching timeline. Hers always made the same loop. Take the wrong step, and she might unravel her entire existence. ]

I think that's his choice, dear.

[ She'd spent a lifetime, lifetimes, loving him once already, expecting nothing in return, believing it was something he wouldn't, couldn't offer. He'd managed to convince her. But then she'd died. Where does that leave them now? ]

No.

[Clara's firm on that, giving a shake of her head.]

The Doctor isn't capable of making that choice. Not where we're concerned.

[She pauses, hesitating on asking the next part. It really isn't her business, even if she does have River and the Doctor's best interests at heart. She wants them all to be happy.]

If you could choose, right here, right now. Which one of them would you want to be with? I know they're the same man. And you love the Doctor regardless of the face he wears. But you and I both know that the Doctor is as good as two separate people here. The circumstances have changed. Our situations are different. They're different. And it's alright for you to want to have what you've denied yourself for so long.

[ She chuckles without humor. The Doctor's never been capable of making that choice. Not where anyone is concerned. The one thing in the Universe the Doctor doesn't understand. Love.

But when she answers, she's serious, seeming almost confused herself by the question. ]

You can't ask me to choose.

[ When she looks at the Doctor, he's...the Doctor. She even has some awareness that somewhere out there, in a body she'll never meet, her husband may very well be her wife, and still she can't imagine seeing anyone other than the Doctor. Of course, she has her favorites. He could be very stubborn young. Some of them didn't get on with her at all. But she looks into those eyes, and it's still her husband.

Her tone lowers and sharpens. ]

The eldest. I would always choose the eldest. They would know me best.

[ She doesn't bother to mention she's already spent linear time with the older Doctor in this instance. ]

Except he doesn't. He doesn't even remember meeting me. I'm nothing more than a ghost to him.

[open] it's okay to be afraid

mess hall;

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)