[open] it's okay to be afraid

[bossily]

CHARACTERS: Clara Oswald & OPEN
LOCATION: Around the station
DATE: Mid February
CONTENT: General open catchall
WARNINGS: will update as needed



General Pacing;
[The first thing Clara does after coming back from the mission is the same thing she always does. Check in on the people she cares about. Those check ins quickly lead to Clara realizing something that is absolutely devastating. The Doctor isn't here any longer. Or rather, one of him is still around, but the younger of the two is vanished without a trace. She tries to recall the fact the same thing had happened to her months ago, but it's hard to remain calm when her thoughts are racing and all of her worst fears are coming true.

The Doctor is gone, so soon after getting injured on the mission. And she hadn't gotten to say goodbye. She's not ready for this. Not yet. It doesn't matter if she's already lived through his loss once. She isn't ready to do it again. Not until she says it's time.

Her lack of control over everything here spirals out of control, and for the next day she'll be found wandering the corridors of the station in an anxious, frantic state. She doesn't eat, doesn't go shower or get changed. She simply frets and works herself up into a state that has her ready to break into the North Wing so she can go yell at the orb and demand the Doctor's return.]


Simulation Room;
[It's well past the point where any rational person would be sleeping, especially given the physical strain their bodies all have recently gone through. Clara can't sleep with how many thoughts are currently storming their way around her head. So she takes to the simulation room and finds her way back to the planet where her adventures began.

She sits out at the edge of one of the rocky surface, legs dangling over the edge as she watches the old god off in the distance. Her head's tipped to the side as she regards it, hand clutching hold of a giant maple leaf. She's vaguely aware that someone's come to join her, and she doesn't glance their way before speaking.]

Do you really think it's possible that our regrets can be undone?


Infirmary;
[She has friends in the infirmary. People who were injured on the mission, and those that seem to never leave the sides of people who are currently on bedrest there. So she's in and out of the area frequently, bringing deliveries of tea and offers of company. Most of the time she's reading from one of her books, pleased to share her love of literature with them.

But for those that are standing watch over others she often arrives with a snack and coffee on a tray. She's ready to lecture them on taking care of themselves, knowing she hasn't slept in days and could use the lecture herself.]


Mess Hall;
[Clara sits for hours at a table after preparing tea in a little mug. She doesn't drink it, she just cradles the mug in both hands and stares down. Her mind is starting to slow down from sheer exhaustion, but she stubbornly refuses to give in. So she starts to doze off, head dropping downward each time she does. But instead of just letting herself sleep, she keeps snapping awake, clutching hold of the mug tighter. Each time, she only starts to nod off moments later.

Eventually, she does fall asleep, draped across the table. The mug of tea is still in one of her hands.]

Sunlight Room;
[Her hydroponic garden has become her baby. She's grateful for the distraction that it offers her, and the hard physical labor that it provides. It helps keep her mind clear enough to focus on what needs to be done, on pruning and ensuring water supplies are kept level and things are growing properly. There's also the matter of harvesting what's now ready to be picked, something that she's all too pleased to grab the nearest person and drag them over to help with.]

These have a date with the jars I've asked for.

[She explains, holding a small basket of what looks to be strawberries and blueberries.]

You don't mind lending a hand in the kitchens next, do you?


[ooc: Closed prompts to follow in the comments. If you're interested in a closed start, hit me up at trashpanda. Also open to Wildcard options, if you'd like to do something else!]

Comments

Closed to Kovacs

[bossily]

[It's in the days after the Doctor returns that life starts to settle into something that offers her time and breathing room to think. Her thoughts are on one thing and one thing only. Getting her contract changed so she can ensure that the Doctors are protected from what will eventually happen to her. If she can ensure that doesn't happen, she can keep them safe from confession dials and going against their moral code for her. Maybe she can find another way to prevent the hybrid, she hopes.

And if not, then at least it's worth a try. She can't continue to be here and not try. She can be brave enough to take on whatever the cost may be. She's ready now.

And it's with that thought in mind that she finds Kovacs exactly where she saw him last. At the infirmary, resting by Marta's bedside. She's kicked him out of that exact spot a few times now, always to spend time with her friend without his looming over them. And while she has a suspicion there's something there between Marta and Kovacs, it isn't awkward for her to approach them while they're together. If anything, she thinks it's a good thing for the both of them. ]

Hey.

[She leans in to press a chaste kiss to the top of his head, giving his shoulder a light shake.]

Takeshi. Can I borrow you for a bit?

[kovach]

[ he's already grown accustomed to napping it off in this chair, usually just managing a few minutes here and there whenever his eyes flutter shut and he ends up dozing off, typically while marta herself is sleeping off the meds on the actual bed. he hasn't been too eager to leave the area too often, feeling a bit of the guilt for having abandoned marta's side back in scorpion's bend when he'd ran off to chase after the bouldersnakes at fault. but occasionally he's been shoved out or sent off to have a smoke (since he gets on edge if he's without one for too long), at times by clara who he's completely avoided explaining why he's so attached to this bed side in the first place.

caught with his fist nudged against his cheek as he leans his elbow against the arm of the chair, he barely feels the kiss pressed to the top of his head, eyes darting open when he earns that slight shake to his shoulder.

he peers up to her, eyes blinking open like he'd barely been asleep at all. looking back to the bed, he notices marta still asleep before he gives a nod. ]

Yeah, sure. [ already, he's standing up on his feet, prepared to follow her to wherever she leads. ]

[bossily]

[She thinks about potentially teasing him about Marta, or trying to corner him into a conversation about her. With the limited space and number of people on the station, it makes sense that he'd have moved on by now. And it's healthy for her to be able to grow and move on herself, by seeing him with another woman.

But that isn't what's on her mind right now, and it's not what's important enough for her to wake him up and drag him away from his bedside vigil. She leads him out of the infirmary and hesitates moving much further than the hallway.]

Can we go -

[She hesitates, turning the ring on her thumb around over and over. It's ridiculous to be nervous to ask him about going somewhere private. But they've made so much progress, she doesn't want to undo it by making him think she's up to something.

So she chickens out on asking, and simply leads him to a neutral place. A quiet corner of the sunlight room. There's memories of spending time with him here, but there's only fondness for her as she looks back on them now. And maybe her thoughts do linger on a few of those memories for a moment or two as she stares up at the artificial leaves on the trees, before finally turning to face him with a half-smile. This is as brave as she knows how to be, and while she doubts he'll be proud of her for that, she hopes he can at least appreciate the fact she's confiding in him. She trusts him. That's never going to change.]

I'm going to speak with the orb today. It's time for me to be brave and change my contract.

[kovach]

[ the more she moves away from the infirmary, the more he's curious what she actually has to say. if it was something simple enough, she could easily tell him just a short enough distance away from where he'd been, or even out in the hallway. but her steps continue to take them further through the station, even pausing for a moment as she seems to debate which direction to go into.

he feels a clench in his chest, not entirely sure whether he's going to be prepared for what she might have to say (if it's anything about them, about their relationship, he'd have hoped they'd gotten past the bumpier part after the encounter with the bouldersnakes, even if he'd been certain before then that they'd needed the distance apart; he hopes he hadn't been wrong in changing his mind in that vital moment).

finding themselves back in the sunlight room after so long definitely brings back a particular set of memories, of a time where he'd kissed her with passion against the bark of the false trees, and let himself get caught up in a fantasy that seems so far away now.

before she speaks, he puts his hands into his pockets, fingers playing with the box of cigarettes within, debating whether to pull one out for a smoke — before she speaks. ]

You're ...

[ shit. shit. he knew eventually it might come up. he knew it had to, but now that she's talking about it, he realizes just how unprepared he'd been, especially with everything that's happened in the past couple of months. ]

You're gonna ask ... about changing what happened to you?

[bossily]

[She isn't sure how to stand to deliver this kind of news. Not that it's something he necessarily needs to concern himself with. But she fidgets a little, hands going from her hips, to cross over her chest, and then settling once again for her hands fretting together. Aware of the fact her eyes betray her emotions completely, she tries to hide her anxiety and fear by being mindful of keeping her eyes in check.

Kovacs doesn't have to be here talking to her about this. And yet he is. That's a gift she can't chase away with an onslaught of emotions.]

Yeah. I think now's the right time.

[There's a pause as the corner of her mouth curls upward, smile wistful as she glances up to meet his eyes.]

Even if the price is more than I want to pay, I have to do it. So just in case something's different after today...I suppose I just wanted someone to know what was going on.

[kovach]

[ he can see the nerves in her, aware as to how heavily this has weighed on her since she came back on this station after having been through it. the way he'd seen the shake of her when she avoided confessing anything at all (instead seeking his lips to hide away from it all) to the moment she finally cried out the truth to him, terrified of what more she could lose.

though she isn't breaking down now, a terrified resolve in her gaze, he knows that none of what she's saying is easy. which makes it that much harder with the secret he's had to swallow down for months.

for a moment, he says nothing at all. he could let her try to make the deal; part of his condition with the orb was that clara wouldn't have to pay a price. but after what he's seen from these orbs, after the twisted manipulation of the one they just retrieved that had tormented welford branson's soul for a shit deal — how the hell could he really trust that they wouldn't do the very same in tricking him? in tricking clara?

no, he has to tell her the truth.

it doesn't make him any more confident in saying it, suddenly avoiding her gaze, looking anywhere except those wide bright that have always had a way of breaking him down. ]

Clara, you — you can't make that deal.

[bossily]

[Maybe she should've expected him to say something like this. She mistakes his words as worry for her, and figures he can't look at her because he doesn't approve of her decision. In the past she would've gone up to him and touched at his cheek, forcing him to look her in the eye. The thought of doing that now seems impossible.

Still, her feet move on their own accord, until she's standing in directly before him. Emotion builds in her eyes, despite her best intentions. They both have seen what the orbs are capable of. She knows that changing her contract means she could wind up just like Welford Branson. She understands now that the orbs are capable of being cruel and seeking amusement. And that has her questioning everything about being here.

But it's all she has left. And she can't willingly just give it all up. She has to keep moving forward on this path she's on now.]

I have to, Tak.

[Her hand reaches out like she's going to take hold of his, but her fingers just wind up brushing along the edge of his hand before they fall away.]

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't.

[kovach]

[ everything he's done has been to save her life in more ways than one. because he knows first hand now the kind of price that the orb requires, and now it's even more widely known with what they've learned of welford's deal. if clara talked to the orb, there's every chance she could lose even far worse than just her life, as if that hadn't been the worst of it. and yet, kovacs knows that the orb could keep her alive and still twist her into eternal torment if it wanted.

he couldn't take that chance. he wouldn't take it even now.

and he's reminded of that when she looks up to him with the genuine truth of her eyes, when her fingers gently brush his hand and still trace an easing warmth. it reminds him that the way he felt for her — still feels for her — he wouldn't turn back on his choice, even if things have changed for them, even if he's a different man than he was just three months ago.

swallowing hard, his eyes finally meet her, soft and genuine without the signature stern sharpness he so often tries to clutch. he looks at her the way he so often did before things had fallen apart. it's only with those eyes that he could say what needs to be said, what could make her furious with him once she hears it. ]

You can't make that deal because I already made it for you.

[bossily]

[His words hit her like a punch to the stomach, stealing the breath from her. Her eyes widen as her heart starts to race, and she thinks that maybe she hadn't heard him correctly.]

What?

[Like she's replaying the moment the Doctor extracted her from the fixed point of her death, the ringing in her ears starts and she reaches up to try and rub the sound away. But this ringing isn't because of a lack of her heartbeat. It's everything to do with her heart pounding loudly, racing faster and faster as panic rises. This is just as shocking and awful as finding out the Doctor spent 4.5 billion years being tortured in a confession dial.

This is Takeshi Kovacs, dooming himself to pay a terrible price in the name of giving her a second chance. She doesn't deserve this, doesn't deserve him. And she can't allow him to do this on her behalf. It isn't right.

He couldn't have made a deal for her.

No.

He wouldn't do something like that without speaking to her first.

She's mistaken, she hadn't heard him correctly.

But as panic starts to give way and swell into emotion, tears build in her eyes. She looks up at him with confusion as she tries to make sense out of the truth he's just given to her.]

Why would you do that? [A shaky exhale is all the pause he gets before she adds on:] After what I've done to you, how could you possibly want to help me?

[kovach]

[ he can see the way she slowly processes the confession, the shock in her stare, the way she tries to piece it together. and he wishes that were enough, that he could leave it at that and not have to say anything more, but there's no realistic possibility of her not questioning it, of avoiding the welling up of tears he can see already forming in her stunned expression.

his throat feels dry and he tries to swallow it away, knowing he doesn't have an answer to her question, not any that he wants to admit to. ]

Clara —

[ he thinks of a distant memory, of her sitting upon his bed beside him, letting him see the fall of her tears, opening herself to him, trusting him, and he remembers holding her, whispering reassurances, lips to her forehead, vowing the things he'd make sure he never betrayed.

it doesn't matter that what he felt for her hadn't been enough to make them last. it was never about that — that's where he'd gotten it all wrong. it was about the words he always told her.

I got you.

even if there's nowhere to hide, he doesn't turn his eyes away from her. ]

Because I promised you that I'd make sure you never had to pay a price. Whatever happened with us — it doesn't matter. I'd have always made that choice for you.

[bossily]

[His mannerisms suggest to her that he hadn't planned on telling her this. That he was just going to keep working toward a choice he had made himself, without talking to her about it. They're not a team any longer. It's not her place to ask it of him to talk to her about her choices. But she can't help but feel exactly the same as she had the day the Doctor extracted her from her fixed point ending.

It's not betrayal, but something uncertain as she finally understands the magnitude of what his feelings for her. Because of course he likely made this deal when they were still together. Back when they both were caught up in the fantasy of having and being something more than they had previously been. Back when all that mattered was one another, and hiding away from reality.

Reality has crashed down around them, and it's resting at their feet in jagged shards that threaten to cut them open. The emotions she's feeling now are at conflict within her. There's anger and denial at war with an overwhelming essence of love. He cared for her enough at one point to do this for her. He still cares enough about her to continue along that path, even now.

Tears fall well before words are able to be formed. The conflict of emotion plays out on her face, clear as ever for him to read.

The words that echo throughout their coming together play through her mind. I got you.

And like always, her eyes meet his as her lips part and she murmurs,]

I know.

[He always would have made that choice for her, because he's always got her back. He proved that on the last mission. The weight of his devotion toward her safety rests heavily on her shoulders, and she finds she isn't sure how to carry this particular weight.]

But the future isn't promised to anyone. Especially not for someone like me. I'll be dead and gone. But you -

[It's hard to fully form thoughts right now, her mind racing the way it is. But one thing is standing out with blaring alarms, alerting her to the fact it's the most pressing concern. His welfare in all this matters more than anything to her.]

What is it costing you to do this, Takeshi?

[kovach]

[ there's guilt in not having told her before, but he'd known what to expect if he ever did tell her, that she'd get upset about him taking on that responsibility, that he'd taken on the cost of what it takes to make a change to a deal in the first place. he'd told her that they'd figure this thing out together, and yet, he went on to do it entirely on his own without telling her about it.

but the reason comes back to her bringing up that question, the one he dreaded on hearing eventually asked. and he knows he can't provide the real answer, because he can already see her crumbling before his eyes, ready to see the distraught tears on her face once she knows what it's costing someone to save her.

it won't matter that kovacs doesn't regret it. he won't let her hate herself for his choice. ]

Time.

[ he doesn't take long to answer, allowing only a few short beats for him to sigh, like there's minor hesitation but not enough room to make it seem like he's trying to come up with a lie. he can't let her catch on that he isn't being honest with her here. it's one truth he can't afford to spill, even if he has to confess to the rest. ]

I have to hang around here a bit longer than everybody else. Put in the extra work.

[bossily]

[A lump forms in her throat and sits there, heavy and choking her. She roughly swallows it down, letting the tears fall until they slow to a trickle. She isn't sure what to say to anything he's admitted here. She's overwhelmed by the fact he'd do this for her, and is hurt by the fact he wouldn't tell her.

Still, she can't just stare up at him and cry. So she gives a slow nod of her head, to show she's heard him and understands his end of the deal. It seems like it's something that's too good to be true, based on the conversation she had with Viveca.]

When I spoke to Viveca before, she made it seem like the price would be higher.

[Maybe it was just to scare people away from the legwork involved in changing a regret. It really isn't clear to her now. All she can do is try to grapple with the weight of coming to terms with the fact that he's doing this for her, when she's given him no incentive to keep his end of the deal going.

In order to try and hide her tears from him (and the look of broken desperation in her eyes), she moves forward to wrap her arms around him. They curl up around him tightly, as her head turns to press her cheek against his chest.

They may not work together romantically in the long run. And it feels selfish to just let him do this. But she knows that no amount of arguing with him is going to make him change his mind. Especially since she's not even sure the orb will let him change his regret back to what it was originally. Especially not without a higher cost attached.

Takeshi has paid enough prices across his long life. All she wants for him is to be happy and to rest. But he can't do that here. None of them can. They're all here to work and accomplish specific tasks and goals.]

Why didn't you tell me you were doing this?

[kovach]

[ he doesn't elaborate anymore than that, relieved that she doesn't try to think about it too deeply. he knows viveca tries to warn them before hand, and he's not surprised that she'd done the same in warning clara (and he's also relieved that viveca never made any mention of his decision to her either).

he hates to lie to her, he really does. but he doesn't have a choice here. she's already in tears, and the truth would only break her more, knowing that clara's heart is too big for the people she cares about, that she cares about him enough to hate what he might be going through for her. but he doesn't want the pity. not when he knows well what choice he's made — and that it might not even have entirely been about clara, either, but also in relation to the way he sees his own self-worth.

all he can do is bring his arms around her when she moves in to embrace him, sighing as he brings his fingers to her hair and brushes gently.

whatever's happened between them, whatever fantasy he'd had to wake himself from, he still cares about her. and he'll still do whatever he has to in order to protect her. ]

Because I knew you'd try to stop me from doing it. [ just as he'd been quick to stop her in turn. ] And ... then, things with us weren't really in a ... good place for me to ever bring it up.

[bossily]

[There's a pang in her heart as he says that last part. He had made this choice back when they were together. Back when they were lost in that fantasy, when they had hope for some kind of life together that they both know now isn't possible. They had pulled the wool over their own eyes, in the name of coping.]

You were protecting me. [Because he loved her. Because he had hoped there was a chance for a life with her outside of this place, maybe.

When she pulls out of the hug, her hand goes up to his cheek, palm pressing gently. He's such a good man. She doesn't deserve to have him in her life still, she thinks.]

But you don't have to save me, Tak. You can be free of me if you want. I don't have to hold you back any more than I already have.

[She knows he'll refuse. But she wants to put the offer out there, so he doesn't feel like she's expecting him to save her.]