( OPEN ) MISSION 3.1 | time shifts, dreams fade, ripples blur the illusion

[soups]

CHARACTERS: Jiang Yanli & You
LOCATION: Jiang Yanli's Dreamscape
DATE: Throughout the mission
CONTENT: Having fallen into a deep sleep, Jiang Yanli's dreams and memories play out for others to see and take part in
WARNINGS: Possible violence, mentions of death, canon spoilers guaranteed to be mentioned. Look below for specific warnings for each memory.

⇢ LOTUS PIER: relatively tame, more nostalgic and wistful than traumatic
⇢ JIN CLAN CHAMBERS: a little more psychologically complicated; involves issues of loss of child (abstract) and abandoned motherhood
⇢ NIGHTLESS CITY: obvious death and undead yanli. totally lost in the dream sauce here. injury is highly likely.

If you want to talk out another memory to enjoy, PM me or hit me up at haseul!

Comments

[petsthedog]

[Shit. So the kid's an orphan and loses an uncle, too. It's not that that's horrifying in and of itself, or even that particularly uncommon. It sounds like the kid had some relatives left to take him in, too, which is never a foregone conclusion.

It's just...seeing her stand here, holding that baby and telling him she will die within weeks of this moment, it gets to him a little. She must have dreamed of a future with her kid, after all. To have it snatched out of your grasp before your child can even talk ... even if it's not quite the Ken Amada situation he was picturing, it still aches to think about.]

I dunno, sounds kinda like a raw deal to me, for both of you.

[He looks away again as he says it, like he's not sure if he should have. But he's not taking it back ok.]

[soups]

❰ the terminology hits her ear strangely, but she can get enough of a picture to understand the sentiment -- this was an unfair outcome that shouldn't have come to either of them. on one hand, she can agree. on the other, it wasn't as if she didn't have options. ❱

I don't know that I'm someone you should feel pity for. My death was in my own hands...I would never take my life on my own, but I gave it for another. If he ❰ with a look downwards towards her son ❱ was to hold ire towards me because of it, I would not blame him.

❰ it's a vulnerable statement that feels easier to admit when in this odd, liminal space. nothing feels like it could stay hidden here; maybe more aptly, it feels as if there's no purpose or repercussion for stating things as they are. it actually brings some kind of relief. she's much more used to the careful words necessary for gatherings and court. ❱

I suppose some would wonder if they should have made that choice with a child to live for...but I died for family, and such a decision brings me no shame.

-- Perhaps that's incongruous with how much I desire to have been able to see him grown up to be a young man.

[petsthedog]

[Pity? Is that what he's doing? It doesn't feel like it; he's not sure the exact emotion he feels, but it tastes different than pity, he thinks.

Especially when Shinjiro didn't have such a noble cause to give his life to. True, taking the bullet meant for Amada had felt like one of the few things he'd managed to do right over the course of his disastrous life, but it was a matter of happenstance. Just a few minutes before, he had been perfectly willing to allow Amada to take his life with his own hands, after all. Maybe what he feels is a sense of protectiveness instead; he has struggled with his place here more than once, has wondered if these missions will someday leave other children orphaned in their wake as he tries to un-orphan another.

Shinjiro lets out a tired sigh.]

There some reason in particular one of you have got to die?

[He imagines there is, and it is not a similar situation to his--shielding someone with his body even before he's truly made the conscious decision to do so.]

[soups]

❰ the question is complicated, and the concept is one that jiang yanli has never quite pondered before — mostly because to her, it didn't matter. if there was some destined reason that it had to be one or the other of them, or if it was simply a random twist of fate, the answer would be the same: wei wuxian needed to live, and she would die for him. maybe that will be exactly the same story that plays out once her mission is completed, but it doesn't matter. she would have tried to make things better, and it didn't succeed. the price would be weighted the same. ❱

There is a battle that is fought because of an incident...in which my husband's life was taken from him. My brother is involved, but I know his heart and soul are just. All I wanted to know... ❰ the crushing grief that was already weighing her down before she ran off to find him hits jiang yanli square in the chest. ❱ I only wanted to know his side of the story. Everyone wanted violence, but I only wanted to listen.

❰ it feels as though she's talking more to her son now than to aragaki, but it's so important that he, even as a mirage, know this simple fact: ❱ Wei Wuxian would never do something that he thought unfair. Which is why when they moved to kill him...I chose to die with a belief in that righteousness.

❰ her lips purse as the urge to cry rises within her, but it feels selfish to be anything but a happy mother in front of her son she left long ago. ❱ Even if it was a decision I claim as my own, I could not stand with him as a worthy mother if I let a man untried die before my very eyes — especially one I loved with the entirety of my soul.

[petsthedog]

[And just like that, Shinjiro's gaze...changes. Whatever softness lived in his eyes before, just barely masking some unspoken pain, it seems to be gone now. There's something like anger there instead, a sort of slowly percolating irritation. He lets out a huff of a breath, and it sounds almost bitter.]

So, what, you offered yourself up on a platter as some kind of exchange? And these people accepted it?

[He actually rolls his eyes.]

That's not even revenge, then. S'just bullshit.

[If they're willing to kill a woman whose hands are clean just to satisfy their lust for blood then their motivations were never legitimate in the first place. And for this brother to allow it? Pathetic. He was willing to let Amada kill him for his vengeance, for closure, but he'd never allow anyone else to get involved. He feels angry at her and for her at the same time, and he's not sure what to do with that feeling.]

[soups]

❰ the more she thinks about the specifics of that night, the more the image of her son clouds in her mind, and the crisp and cold feeling of slowly blinking away her life creeps into her body. her hands tighten against his form slightly, grounding herself. sometimes the traumatic memories and feelings get in her way on missions, or aboard the ship. here, staying as present as possible feels more important. giving into those visions could mean losing this dream altogether. ❱

It was fast. ❰ her eyes focus in on aragaki's with a sadness that pierces. if she looks too closely at replaying the past, they may fall into it. now the memories are background noises as she hones in on the person she's trying to convey them to. ❱ I wasn't meant to be harmed, it just— They lunged for Wei Wuxian and I couldn't let them destroy him.

❰ her mouth stills and after a long breath, jiang yanli exhales and bites onto her bottom lip enough to leave soft indentions, ready to bleed if even a bit more pressure is applied. ❱ This is why I am not a woman worthy of pity. My brother would have taken twelve blades for me, and not a man of sound mind would have seen me as anything more than a widow to be avenged...it was simply that for once in our lives, I was the faster of us.

❰ it feels better, at times, when she thinks about how in the right light, it was a moment where she held some power. ❱ If anything, I am angry that the vengeance of those uninvolved was more considered than the will and want of a woman in mourning, and that battle makes men consider violence before reason. It is easier for some to grab swords and cling to spells than it is to wait for an explanation.

[petsthedog]

[Ah. So it was more like his situation at the end than he thought. An action she took without ever really thinking it through. That cools some of his anger, but not all of it. After all, when he had done the same sort of thing, it was as some scruffy orphan kid who lived in the streets. There had been nobody relying on him, expecting him to come home. If he'd had his way about it, there would've been nobody to mourn him, either.

But then, it's not so simple as that either. If the other members of SEES hadn't arrived at that moment, even though he'd managed to spare Amada the first bullet, he would've been too far gone to save him from a second or third. The only reason Takaya walked away was because he was outnumbered. Without them, his sacrifice would've been as meaningless as the rest of his pathetic life.]

I dunno. I kind of get it, but there's no sayin' they wouldn't have just killed him anyway, after you were gone.

[He sighs. That kid wouldn't even know his mom, growing up, so maybe it'd be different. Maybe it'd be like him, who doesn't remember his parents and never had anything close since their deaths, rather than like Amada, who lived with the horror of watching his mother die. It sits unsettled in his chest.]

But you're right about the rest. Sounds like you were the only one who didn't do anything wrong when it all went to shit.

[So maybe he does pity her a little, in that light, but to him it's less pity so much as a general world weariness. Suffering like hers always seems to be around every corner. Violence and misery and revenge....maybe that's just the human condition, in every world.]

[soups]

❰ she sighs, considering his verdict on the situation. it's certainly a complicated situation, and she can only imagine just how much more complex it became to those that were alive to deal with the aftermath. thinking about that night, there still isn't anything that she did that she would change. ❱

I have since stopped thinking of these things as 'wrong' or 'right'. Simply done, and I hope to undo them. ❰ if she puts too much energy into undoing all the threads of who did what, and how angry she should be at anyone involved...is there much point when the outcomes are either that she succeeds in her goal and everything changes, or fails and what's done is done? and the more she looks at her son, the less she can find it in herself to even think about their missions. ❱

I thank you, though — for feeling this way on my behalf. You prove again to me that you are a kind young man. ❰ for as gruff as his speech is, straight forward in ways some may flinch at, his sense of justice is a virtue; it reminds her of another person, very endeared to her. ❱

[petsthedog]

I ain't kind.

[Spills from his lips before he even thinks of it. At this point, it's a reflex, a kneejerk. He's too uncomfortable with others having an opinion like that of him.

Normally, he'd let it go with that; the way another person handles their regret is not really any of his business. But at the back of his mind, he hears echoes of the conversations he and Erik have had, and he can't help but hesitate.]

...But uh. It might be a good idea to think about it, though. The right and wrong bits. I mean...if there's a lotta shit that happens at once, you gotta be sure you pull the right thread, yeah? So the change sticks and shit.

[Ugh, he's definitely not as good with his words as Erik. He tries again.]

Like...if all this starts with your husband dyin', you gotta figure out why your brother did it, right? So you can decide if you need to stop him and shit. ...And if you don't, how to keep your brother from gettin' killed by the angry mob.

...Point is. Knowin' the right and wrong parts is important.

[soups]

❰ jiang yanli has another brother, whose rough words and speaking betrays how kind and gentle he can be in his heart at times. she knows in situations of denial of these facts, there's less to be gained by insisting on them. so she smiles, pensively listening to the rest of aragaki's words.

there's a complicated admission involved in this: ❱ In those cases, I don't have the power to do so, even if they were what must have been done. I cannot regret what I have no control over, and either of those situations...there was nothing I would have any ability to do. My word is not weighted enough to talk anyone down, and my brother's power is unmatched in any circumstance, I think. Unlike others, I have to say that I was not gifted with that level of importance.

❰ which is why her regret is something she has total control and say over, far enough back in time to unravel all these threads — to completely take them out of the situation. ❱ In the world I hopefully have the opportunity to create, if I'm gifted hindsight...perhaps that would make a difference. But I have clear doubt in my mind.

[petsthedog]

I get it. I ain't shit either.

[Not everyone was meant to live a life of any significance. In some cases, it was for the better that they didn't, given their proclivity to fuck everything up.

...Yet he's still thinking about Erik, and how the man was often frustrated with him for getting mired in his own powerlessness. He still thinks his situation is different, that trying to take down an entire corporation on the possibility that the fight to end the Dark Hour is based on a lie is absurd when he is only a single scruffy orphan gutter trash, but this sits wrong wrong nonetheless--perhaps not least because it sounds so much more personal.]

But you wanted to know why he did it, right? And you say he'd never want you to be hurt. So you can confront him before it happens and ask. Pretend you overheard somethin' or whatever. You don't think he's right, you don't gotta convince him, but you can warn your husband. Or if you do, you can help your brother escape the mob before they can get him. Stash him away somewhere, or send people the wrong direction lookin'...there's other ways than just bein' good at a fight or important enough to stop anyone.

[soups]

❰ in normal circumstances, they would all be decent suggestions — and they are all, indeed, things she wishes she could be dropped into her own story to do. alas, things aren't so simple. the logistics are all off. there's no way he knows the context of her brother being banished, having barely seen him or knowing exactly where he was outside of somewhere on a hill of corpses. how she doesn't know how to warn her husband of something that even she doesn't even understand the mechanics of. and that she ran after wei wuxian, only stopping to put down the son now in her arms to try and stop him from leaving her sight — and if she had a room secret enough that the rest of the furious jin clan wouldn't find, she may just have tried to keep him there.

her smile softens to one of nostalgia, pausing in her constant motion to take a good long look at the details of her son's face, to maybe try and create an image, lapsing time, so that she can see what he may look like in the future. she can only guess, but it helps to keep his features in focus. ❱

All that I know is that I want to achieve our goal of collecting as many orbs as possible. I cannot undo the regret that I have given them...but if I were to succeed in this journey, I would do all that is in my power to ensure the happiness of all those around me. ❰ the longer she holds, the more it pains her to know what she may sacrifice again. each time, a choice of her own design. ❱ Even if Jin Rulan's spirit is instead born to another, I will know him as I know him here. Whatever I must scream from the mountains, or if I must fall onto another blade...these tasks will be done in the name of these corrections.