ximilialog | [Mostly Open] So we'll press, and press 'til you can't take it anymore!

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[Mostly Open] So we'll press, and press 'til you can't take it anymore!

CHARACTERS: Precursors and you. And Eventually Newton. Hopefully!
LOCATION: A holding room in Ximilia Station.
DATE: Est. two days post-mission, after the kaiju is defeated and the orb is retrieved.
CONTENT: The precursors are revealed — and are finally removed from Newt's mind.
WARNINGS: Possession and the bodily autonomy issues that come with that. More will be added if necessary!

Closed and opened starters will be added as I go, which will be announced on plurk! But if you don't use plurk or would rather keep an eye out by email/tracking, feel free to use the tracking option and mark to receive notifs any new top level comments posted to this log! The log will involve an open starter to visit the precursors where they're cuffed/contained in the room, so stay tuned.

Also no rush once the open starters are posted!

Feel free to focus on the player plot log first and come back to this later.

CLOSED STARTER | THE DOCTOR
DARKLING'S TOP LEVEL | WHILE NEWT WAS SLEEPING...
OPEN STARTER | THE PRECURSORS, REVEALED
CLOSED FINAL CONCLUSION | THE PRECURSORS, REMOVED
OPEN PROMPTS | NEWTON GEISZLER'S RETURN

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Yzak gets an infirmary pass because he's here often even when he's not hurt thanks to how often Blue needs to visit. And ever the devoted and dutiful boyfriend, he doesn't skimp on checking in on him.

He obeys Newton's request for no visitors for the first couple of days at least, out of respect. But Yzak is impatient, and Yzak has not yet spoken to Newton, not even through the network because he stubbornly wants to speak to him and knows the other man will feel too guilty and apprehensive to wish to face anyone. Yzak's impatience is also rooted in the desire to see his friend back to normal, as himself.

So one of the times Yzak comes to see Blue and finds the other sleeping, he opts instead to take the time since he's already here to finally peek in on Newt. ]

Newton. Are you awake?

[ He asks as a way to make his presence known, gingerly pulling the curtain back just a bit to glance behind it. ]

[Maybe Yzak expects a slumbering figure, pale and unpleasant to look at — really, though, the figure sitting up in his bed doesn't look nearly so bad off for someone who had been an easy breath away from having his mind ripped into pieces. He sits there, upright of his own accord, hands sitting in his lap where his iPhone had been absently abandoned. He'd been looking through old videos and photos, mostly... finding little things to try and keep his spirits up.

And what with Hermann being gone... It's nice to see some old photos and videos of him looking irritable or disapproving in the background of a million obnoxious selfies taken just for the take of pissing him off.

Funny, he doesn't feel much better.

Might be because everything was fucking awful the last few days.

When his eyes meet Yzak's, they widen a fraction.]

Ah, y-yeah...!

Hey, dude. [And then, trying to be way too casual about seeing Yzak as himself again for the first time in months:] ... How's it going?

[ He's not sure what he expects, to be honest. Matters of removing monsters from one's mind isn't something he's very familiar with, much less what the aftermath of it looks like.

Newton still looks better than what Yzak was tentatively bracing for. So there's a touch of relief when he sees the other man looking like himself again. Really like himself, instead of what he had slowly turned into over time so subtly thanks to the Precursors.

...

He hopes they recalled his words in those last moments, those miserable, pathetic fucks. Because he was right. ]

Much better now, all things considered.

[ He steps in closer, pulling the curtain closed behind him and leaning against the wall. ]

How are you feeling?

[He lets out a slow breath.]

... A little... scrambled.

[Really, there's no limit to words that would explain how a guy feels after being chewed up and spit out by an ancient alien hivemind. But there's no reason to torment Yzak with a string of sentences that detail just how lost and guilty and quietly terrified he still is. So he sits there, uncharacteristically quiet, at a loss for words that he knows exists. He fidgets with the corner of his blanket.]

Happy to be alive, I think? I wasn't sure I would be.

And I think I'm mostly in one piece. McCoy wants me to stay on my antiseizure meds, because I'm not totally out of the woods, but... I'm not a vegetable? So... that's pretty sweet.

[Sorry I nearly killed you and everyone we love.

Mmm. Doesn't really cut it.]

You'd better be happy you're alive...! After going through all of that. And after everyone managed to finally kick those bastards out of your head!

[ Nothing in Yzak's tone sounds particularly different from the norm that Newton's grown used to. He moves from leaning on the wall to take a seat in the chair next to his bedside, closer to him. The haughtiness softens a little along with an exhale. ]

Because everybody's happy you're still with us, too.

[He gives Yzak a skeptical glance where he sits, shoulders slumped.]

Everybody, huh?

I wouldn't make any big assumptions like that yet.

[He swallows hard, pushing aside the swiveling bedside tray.]

It's my fault everyone almost got killed... So.

Hmmmhhmph. [ He tilts his head, studying Newton closely as he returns his gaze. ]

I don't recall you doing any of that. On the subject of big assumptions.

[ There's that matter of factness in his voice. ]

But I know you're not going to just so easily accept that. Even though it wasn't you, and it wasn't your fault, Newton.

[It might... take him a little time to process that part.

Because it's hard to separate the unknowing man who had done it in an act of bold desperation and the creatures that had stuck a blade in the people he cares about. He plucks at a loose thread on his sheets, shame marring his features despite Yzak's resolute answer.]

... So many people got hurt.

I saw all of it. I saw what they did with me. They're gone, but the memory — the memory's still there. I can't... I see it when I close my eyes. When I sleep. [Hoarsely, around the lump in his throat:] It's like - being free of them, but they're not gone, and they left reminders that they're not gone.

So you were aware. And heard your own voice saying those things, felt your own hands targeting others. Even though it wasn't you. Or your will.

And they're memories you have now, regardless of those facts. [ Scars he has to carry. And ultimately, as time goes on, ones he has to allow to heal as much as they can heal. Yzak knows how this goes. ]

Unfortunately, even those terrible memories and the nightmares they'll inevitably bring are part of who you are now, and where you decide to go from here. No matter where you do. I have those, too. Memories of terrible things I've done, only nothing was forcing me to do them.

I hate them. But if carrying them and acting with them in mind means that I can maybe prevent it from happening again, or happening to others, it will at least have been worth it in that regard.

So I can't tell you that it'll be easy or fun, because it won't be. Especially since you're still hardly out of it. But I can at least assure you that you won't have to face it alone.

... we won't let you, even if you wanted to. Which I hope you wouldn't!

[There's a little worried crease between his brow.]

You guys have already had to deal with so much from this mess.

I don't wanna be someone you have to... to help me face my issues with.

[Not that he thinks he'll be able to change anything about it, because the people in Ximilia are good, and they work hard and try to be their best for their closest crewmates. Sure, they have hiccups, but they've always been well-meaning at the end of the day.

Shoulders slumping, he at least sounds tiredly endeared when he adds:]

But I'm guessing this is the part where you say 'tough shit, we're still gonna help'.

We knew what we signed up for, when we came here. —for the most part. I think we're more than adequately prepared to deal with a lot.

[ He tips his nose up as he adds: ] Nobody here is going to have to to do anything where facing your issues is concerned. But I think you already know, beneath the guilt telling you differently right now, that plenty of people are going to want to.

[ He watches the other man's body language, the way he slumps but how his tone seems to pick up just the slightest bit. Just like Newton. Just like the Newton he's always known and, realizing in this moment, came really close to losing. One of his longest allies and friends here, who he's come to rely on as much as he's come to rely on him in turn. Someone who knows him well and still loves him and accepts him and wants to stick around. Laugher (mostly on Newton's part but Yzak's maybe laughed INSIDE sometimes) and tension and calm and secret shared between the both of them.

A few silent beats pass between his words. And within them Yzak twists his his torso a bit and leans over, moving to bring one arm out and over Newton's opposite shoulder. It's not a full on embrace, but it's still a hug; a clear showcase of his own relief. ]

So you're right; tough shit.

[Newton tenses at the arm around his shoulder — and then, with caution and care, he returns the hug. Right... Tough shit. He's got people in his corner, whether he thinks he should or not. And he's not alone; that's the most shocking thing he's realized in this moment, holding someone physically. He'd wanted nothing more than to reach out, to grab onto someone like it were for dear life, like if he let go he'd fall back into the too-bright space where it's only him and the watching, beady eyes-

He gasps, a soft, anxious sound, and buries his face in Yzak's shirt. It's all it takes, the feeling of someone warm and alive holding him, to make him quietly cry into Yzak's shoulder.]

[ Yzak was going to keep this brief, but then he feels that wetness through the fabric of his shoulder, and his expression pinches into something both understanding and painfully familiar. This ... was him, just recently, wasn't it? Desperate and crying and clinging only he'd buried his own face because he hates being perceived in such a state.

So rather than keeping it brief, when Newton returns the hug, Yzak turns it into a proper one on his end to allow him to stay as he for as long as he needs to. He feels his own heart pounding a little harder in his chest, because he's not used to this, it still feels quite strange. But ... he's been here for a year now, basically, and Newton arrived right after he did. The person he was at the start of this might have balked a little more at the action, but he's not entirely that person anymore, is he? ]

[Honestly, he's a little embarrassed by the display once he calms down and gets some of these tears worked free. But too little too late to take it back, right? And it does help. Crying? Hugging? Both? It helps somewhere in that entanglement of complicated, depressing feelings festering in a freed mind.

As he pulls back hesitantly, not sure if he's doing it because he's done or because he doesn't wanna make this awkward, he looks anywhere but Yzak's face and sniffs in shame he wouldn't usually be feeling. There are, he's pretty sure, exceptions, especially in awful situations like this.

Lamely:]

... My bad.

It's been a, a long... [He almost days 'few days', almost says 'few months', but really-] year.

[ He politely ignores the first thing, almost as if he didn't hear it. Almost as if he has no idea what Newton could be referring to, even! He's letting that awkwardness slide since he was just there himself, knows he'd prefer it to never be spoken of again - so grants Newton that grace. ]

It has been, hasn't it. You arrived a month or so after I did, right? That means it actually has been a whole year on my end.

[He wipes a little urgently at his cheeks, trying to rid himself of the evidence.]

Y-yeah. Yeah... I-it's been. [A sniff. A soft breath.] A month.

I can, um, remember — they showed up pretty much at the beginning. But that fucking mental block thing they do, it stopped me from remembering. 'Cus I did. I remembered every time I went to sleep. But when I woke up and tried to find help, I just... I forgot why I felt like I needed it.

I always knew... but I didn't... know.

[He wonders if that sounds stupid.

But at least Yzak saw for himself, back then. Newton in a panic, leaving his room, glasses abandoned as he slowly deflated when he realized he had nothing urgent to actually tell him.]

Since the start...?

[ Newton recounts what had been happening to him all this time. Those things really did bide their time and slowly work their way through Newton's mind. Yzak recalls a number of times where Newton had acted a bit strange in that regard. Late nights with lack of sleep and stress from not being to remember... ]

Similar to what happened to us, then. When we all forgot about our own run-ins with them, until just recently.

[ It can't sound stupid when it was a reality to him. ]

I hope the next year treats you better in that regard, then.

Not that I really want to be here for a whole other year myself...! But you know what I mean.

... Yeah. Since the start.

[He sounds. So tired as he says it.

But he has a feeling it'll be an uphill battle the first few weeks, to not feel pretty exhausted. It was all mental in its way, but... still feels like he'd been through a marathon he was ill-suited for; or rather, his human form was terribly ill-suited for.

The idea of going home without knowing if the precursors are truly gone there, too...

Terrifying, honestly.

But it can also wait. As long as he can make the topic wait.]

... At least now I might be able to get a little more sleep.

[Maybe?

Though the sounds of their voices mingled together still echoes in his mind, from night after night of lying there and listening to them.

Ah, yes... The man with monsters covering his skin thinks he can't be a monster, too. You've seen the way people look at you. You've dedicated your life's work to monsters, fawned over their innards, guilted your poor lab partner to drift in their hivemind with you, and yet you can't bear the thought of being one.

But look at you; if you're not a monster, why are they in your head?

He presses his hands against his ears, cringing.]

I just — I need to get some sleep.

[ Yzak sits up a little straighter when Newton does that. A couple of moments pass, and he doesn't seem to pull his hands away from his ears ... so he reaches over to put a hand on his forearm. ]

At least the sleep will be better, now.

[ ... ]

Better in that you won't be mocked and tortured by those things in your head and made to forget about it. Unfortunately I can't assure much more than that. [ It's said with an understanding tone. Because he knows himself how things will come back to haunt you in your dreams.

He stares at his own hand on Newton's arm. ]

... Sorry, by the way. For punching you the other day. [ o o p s! ]

[He relaxes his hands, allows them to fall as Yzak's hand carefully presses his arm. Right. Sleep will be better, and the memory that had poured into his head will lessen with time... He'll adjust. Humans are super malleable. They bounce back from some crazy shit. What's one alien possession, huh?

(A lot, he thinks. But he'll try anyway, because fuck it.)

An exasperated sound leaves him.]

I was talking to you like an asshole. Why wouldn't you have hit me?

Sure, it wasn't me, but it's not like you knew that.

It's not. But that doesn't change the fact that it wasn't you, but it was still your body.

[ And then, a little lighter: ] I guess you're lucky that they found it prudent to take away my enhancements during that mission. Because if I'd put more of my natural strength into it you might have been recovering from a broken jaw right now, too.

[.... A-ahaha.]

Yeah... Lucky me. But the others probably would have appreciated the peace and quiet, if they had to wire my jaw shut.

[As if he's done much talking lately. But you know what he means.]

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[Mostly Open] So we'll press, and press 'til you can't take it anymore!

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