ximilialog | lan xichen december open post

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lan xichen december open post

CHARACTERS: xichen and you!
LOCATION: various spots around
DATE: various days in december before the christmas event
CONTENT: post-mission things
WARNINGS: grief, panic attack, depression, description of character death & stabbing, allusion to acceptance of death.

a morphed piece of home

[anyone wandering into the simulation room finds themselves stepping out into a compound amongst a snow covered mountain, with elegant wooden buildings built in amongst trees and tamed streams frozen from the cold. lanterns hang along the builds or stand amongst it's wooden walkways, adding a warm glow to the night air. it is the sort of place that's quiet, where everything seems still. though there are no other human beings around, it seems like the sort of place where quiet is expected and hangs heavy.

wandering long enough, xichen can be found standing in front of a long building tucked away at the edge of the compound as snows begins to fall. the building seems to sway in the window, but doesn't creak as it's facade seems to shift. The panels flowing between simple to a bit more opulent, the lanterns lit and plenty or sparse and their light gone.] I can't remember what it looked originally. It burned like most of the compound during the fires and when it was rebuilt, it was one of the few buildings where changes were made. [a pause, a deep breath.] It's more of a home now.

a breakdown

[if wandering around, some might not be able to find lan xichen on the edge of a compound. instead, wandering near the center they find a home that blends into the other buildings except for its size. the sign above the large wooden doors reads 'hanshi', the cold room, for those who can decipher it.

the courtyard overlooks an open space. the doors are thrown open and inside, a pale blue rug leads anyone curious up to a receiving area. to the right, a table sits-- or sat but has been turned upside down. the finery, tea pots and books that had once lined the shelves are scattered about. one finely carved wooden room divider is left standing, it's twin missing the cloud design found on tapestries around the compound.

papers lay covered in wet ink on the floor, all addressed to 'sect leader lan' and some crumpled, others torn. what looks to be a chair lays by the table, wood splintered and torn. and if the curious party follows the flow of rooms toward the bedroom --- well, one might find themselves in the flight path or a book or -- more a sword following a very frustrated yell.] Get out!

music can heal and help

[in the afternoon, soft calming music floats through the common living area. anyone who passes by may feel a bit more relaxed than normal, soothed of any anxiety and worry that has settled since the last mission.

the feeling lingers after the music stops and xichen lowers the flute he's been playing, settling it into his lap. he's aware he should gain consent before playing in a space where some one might pass by, but for now he is alone and it feels safe. he's also learned that many on the ship -- like himself -- would not ask for such healing, and for the version of clarity that soothes the breech feels worth the risk of someone walking in shortly.]

request away or wildcard!

[ooc: feel free to hit me up on plurk if you'd like a starter for something! i'm open to anything so also no need to discuss if you have an idea!]

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[ andy wanders a lot through the simulation rooms. through anywhere really, because sitting still is difficult. she finds herself in a compound, and it reminds her of china. it could very well be china, though she knows there are people on board the ship from other universes where maybe china doesn't exist. ]

[ she's quiet as she explores, curious, because it seems old - and not in the sense of wandering an old run-down building. it's in good shape, almost like she stepped into the past. ]

[ time is sort of meaningless to her, so she continues wandering until she does in fact stumble upon a person, the one who presumably designed it. he also speaks before she can ask anything herself, which she can appreciate, and when she replies, it's in mandarin, given both the location and what he seems to have defaulted to as well. ]

Your home, I take it?

[it's surprising to hear mandarin. so much so, that it takes xichen a moment to realize that it's her speaking directly and not through the translation device.

it's pleasant, though, helps him stay focused on the morphed version of his home. he glances at andy, turning with a small bow -- a dip of his head, because he's used to being nearly the highest in rank in his home.

he shakes his head at the question.] This is my brother's home, though it was once our mothers'... [the winter makes him miss it even more.] I can recreate the inside of it perfectly, the way she kept it, but I can never quite remember the exterior.

[ she doesn't quite realize what she's speaking; languages come to her naturally in a lot of cases, and she tends to default to what she hears first. ]

Memory isn't always reliable like we might want.

[ she takes a look around again with this bigger fragment of context. she doesn't miss the way he seems to bow, but andy hasn't ascribed to those kind of mannerisms in ages, so she doesn't really react or reciprocate. ]

So this is her version of the house then? Pre fire?

Edited 2021-12-24 22:55 (UTC)

No. Time tends to steal parts of it away sooner than we all would like. [there is still a part of xichen that wishes to cultivate to immortality, a part separate to the one acting only based on expectation, but he worries how much time will take away as the years pass.

even in a short forty years, there are things lost to it.] She had not lived in it for nearly a decade by the time the fire had burned it down. [those two losses are not connected.] But yes, a version of her home. [as if on cue, the sound of children laughing can be heard from inside the home; a sound that seems out of place amongst the stillness of the whole compound.] It's strange what exactly we forget.

[ andy doesn't think about what time steals as much as she thinks about living with what's left. the holes in her life that she needs to rebuild around. her memory is awful after all this time, but she's very good with what still exists in front of her. ]

We have to get good at dealing with what it doesn't take.

[ she follows the sound with a sideways glance, curious at the simulation programming there. curious about a lot of things about this place, really. ]

Can I ask about the fires?

Eventually, doesn't it take everything? [he tilts his head, wondering for a moment how much of that is a terrible thing.

he does not want to forget his sworn brothers, but perhaps that will one day ease the pain. if he cultivates as he had once planned to.

at her question he nods.] What do you wish to know?

You're still there, even if it swallows up pieces of you too. [ still there and left with the remaining pieces, trying to put them back together in a new way year after year. ]

[ this man is surprisingly open about his home, but maybe being in his own domain makes it easier. ]

How did it burn down? A battle?

Even as years turn to decades? [and as grief becomes consuming? xichen does not ask because the answer there is one he fears.

the question, though he expects it, still makes him frown. he looks around his home for a moment, the simulation making him even more heartsick.] We were not at war yet but did not side with the Chief Cultivator and his clan and that, well, that was enough then.

The war came after.

Sounds like you're already thinking about the answer to that one. [ the way he's asking speaks to something a little more than simply human longevity, and she hasn't really hinted at her own yet, outside a few cryptic remarks about memory. ]

So it was more like the first move of a war. [ and a typical one at that, attacking a compound, burning it to the ground. strike first and weaken. ] What's a Cultivator?

[ she's just going to keep asking questions, if he'll keep allowing answers. this set up, the atmosphere, it takes her back quite a few centuries, and she is definitely curious. ]

Edited 2022-01-01 17:29 (UTC)

In my world, longevity is possible for cultivators. Even if some would consider it unnatural, for others it is revered. [reaching immortality, well, means a sort of purity and power only the gods achieve.]

It was amongst the first. We were not the only ones with our homes burned down but lucky enough to have enough survivors and allies to rebuild. [others, well, were down to a family member or three.

at that he chuckles.] I have been explaining that a lot recently and not well for someone who has taught hundreds of students in the practice in this very compound, I fear. A cultivator is someone with a golden core who is able to strengthen it, using it to manipulate qi. [a pause.] Which allows for what some would consider magic, others would consider alchemy but is really a transformation of energies.

[ she knows there are people out there who long for immortality, and andy thinks if they knew the realities they wouldn't find it so appealing. she doesn't intend to bring any of this up just yet, but at least it means she doesn't find his truth farfetched. ]

I'm familiar with qi. [ from the philosophical standpoint at least, not quite so vivid as this magic he speaks about. ] And I think I get the general gist of this ability.

[ she wonders if it could be turned off. ]

Let me guess: this Chief Cultivator used his abilities to strengthen his own powers and clan? Hence the wars. [ it seems so standard, regardless of where she is in time. ] You teach it yourself?

Is there such a thing in your world? [that's curious as most he's mentioned it to seem to find it so far fetched. it is a pleasant surprise and again there's excitement as he asks.]

Yes, something like that. He invented demonic cultivation and needed the power of a magical talisman to grow his power. He believed we were hiding part of it on our grounds. [and so they were on the list of targets, an inevitable casualty even before they stood against the wen clan.]

I reach cultivation techniques, yes. Though not as often anymore. [he frowns.] The title of sect leader comes with more paperwork than time for teaching.

Qi? Yeah. It's a sort of spiritual energy vital to life in Chinese culture. Personally, I don't really know if I believe it's real in my world, but it's inherent to a lot of the philosophies from there. [ mostly because she is older than it's concept becoming more widespread. ]

Did your compound actually have it? [ if he teaches it, he's involved on some level, though perhaps that interest started after the attack. ]

So there are different kinds of cultivation? Do you get to pick and choose what you do with it?

Are Taoist ideas also present? [that's the basis of it all and it's so interesting, xichen finds, how close and yet different things are between the different worlds.

he takes a moment to think on the question, looking sideways at the mountain slope.] We did. It was in a cave, guarded by the spirit of our previous leader, Lan Yi. [hidden where it would be safe.

the memory makes him shudder. his home had burned, many had not escaped it and despite the span of time and knowledge that atrocities are part of war it is no easier to speak of this loss. of the family who fell flighting as it burned.

cultivation is an easier distraction.] There are. Each Sect teaches a different style, though cultivators do not have to join a Sect to learn. [some chose to be rogue cultivators, like his mother had been once. ] Generally, one sticks to a style but what can be done with Qi is vast.

Yeah. It came out of China - [ there's a small pause. ] - a couple thousand years ago. It's still around too. It's pretty predominant in a few places. [ it's old, but still younger than she is. the time before quynh, even the earlier years with her - andy has a hard time actually dating them, not without having the references to things she lived through on hand. ]

[ his shudder gives andy pause, as curious as she is about this talisman, but he seems much happier to talk about the cultivation thing, so she can roll with that for now. she wonders what he can actually do with it. ] So what's your style?

[that provides some comfort, actually. knowing that in the future, if they are from the same place, that the world hasn't lost everything he knows to time.

perhaps, if he cultivates to immortality then, it won't be such a strange shift.

the question of his style has him looking first at the rest of his home in the distance, then back at andy.] My Sect focuses on cultivation through music. We can fight and heal with it.

[ it's hard for andy to have a culture when she just keeps outliving them, even the ones that are long lasting. ]

[ as for his specific brand of cultivation, she frowns a little bit, trying to imagine a magic based on music. ]

How does that work? Play a song, hype up an army? [ she supposes war chants can have that effect, but it's probably not what he means. ]

[she earns a laugh there, but xichen shakes his head.] Not only that.

You can use cultivation to influence moods and mental state yes but.. [he shakes his head, frowning.] You can play a song and the notes become sharp blades heading toward your enemies, another song can freeze them in place or send them flying.

I can demonstrate sometime.

Literally physically weaponized music. [ that sure is a concept. andy is discovering all kinds of magic combat here, it's fascinating. ]

Yeah, I'd like to see it. [ she'd say it sounds fantastical - but she is in space, as an immortal woman who cannot die, and there are magic orbs. magic music just seems to fit right in. ] There a particular instrument you use? Or does that vary between people too?

[there's a twinkle in xichen's eye. he's a bit proud to have impressed her.]

I can try to demonstrate before our next mission. [there's still some time and nothing pressing to do. they can train while on the station.] Most play with the guqin but many songs can be played on other instruments. Though I play the guqin as well, I prefer the xiao.. my flute. [a pause as he looks at the simulation of his mother's home with a fond smile.] For sentimental reasons. [not only that, but wangji had taken to the guqin more naturally than xichen had. as an older brother, xichen had wanted to ensure there was an area where his little brother shone brighter in their uncle's eyes and faced less scrutiny.]

Both good choices. Do you have either of those here on the station?

[ she doesn't think she's seen many if any instruments, and nothing used frequently enough to leave an impression. music is - it's a constant in the world, she supposes. no matter where people are, no matter the year, there's always music, and andy has always appreciated that. she loves music. ]

Only my flute. [but that does give him the idea to ask viveca for a guqin. it will make playing for the other orbers easier, when it is necessary. with his flute, xichen is limited by his lung's stamina in that moment.] I would have to see if Viveca is willing to provide a guqin.

Both to play recreationally and to assist those in need of healing. [the curiously, as andy made an assessment of the instruments.] Do you play anything?

She seems to be able to get a good variety. A guqin feels like an easier request. [ but maybe that's just presumptuous. andy hasn't actually asked for anything herself yet - her axe more or less arrived with her, as did her necklace, and when it comes down to it, those are what she would want most. ]

Not professionally or anything. [ she's tried over time to learn instruments, but mostly she just likes listening to music more than playing it herself. ] But I like music. There's always music to be found somewhere.

She does seem very capable. [how, he does not know but that is one thing he will not question for now. there's plenty to wonder about that they have yet to learn.

at that he offers a gentle smile, a nod.] We'll have to find a way to play together then and I will play for you once I acquire the qin.

Music is something that ties us all together. [it is a universal thing.]

Let me know if or when it comes in.

[ there's a pause. they've had this entire conversation and she hasn't even caught his name - which isn't particularly unusual, she talks to a lot of people without ever knowing who they are - but if he's offering a musical show and she's learned tons about him, she should probably put a name to the face. ]

I'm Andy.

I will. [xichen smiles at that and then realizes they haven't introduced themselves either. it's strange, still, to realize that people don't know who he is here when at home he's been called by name in villages he's never been to before.

it's a sign how this place is different, not a fresh start but a breath of fresh air in many ways.] A pleasure to meet you, Andy. I am Lan Xichen. Xichen, if easier. [people here are less formal than they are back home. he dips his head, a small bow in proper greeting.]

It's your name. Easier or harder, I'll figure it out. [ and she clearly has no pronunciation issues with mandarin in general. ]

I'll leave you to your compound. Thanks for indulging me.

❰ most of the time, jiang yanli finds peering into the simulation rooms of others to be invasive. sometimes they are vestiges of private thoughts, not meant for the eyes of a stranger. however, she will admit that sometimes stumbling into a simulation can be beneficial to her understanding of these other worlds she's heard so much about.

in this instance, instead she finds a similar scene. even though she steps onto a snowy path, the banners of the lan clan are unmistakable. there are warning bells that ring in her brain: lan xichen must be around here somewhere, and this isn't her world to intrude upon...but this being a familiar place, where she spent some of her youth and made memories with her now-gone brothers means that her feet carry her forward. the cold feels so much more present in her modern dress, snow seeping into the tops of her flats.

it takes her quite some time to find the creator of the simulation, and it's entirely by accident. when she steps into the room and is caught unawares, an immediate wave of guilt washes over her. she knew this could happen and was selfish for intruding despite the assurance. however...finding lan xichen in such a state never once crossed her mind. there's a loud clatter as something collides with a thin wall, and her breath catches in her throat at the shock of the noise.

after a long pause, jiang yanli sets her face straight and then softens. something tragic must have happened in order to set someone as mannered as lan xichen to fits. ❱

I will leave, as is your wish. ❰ she feels as if her deep bow is awkward without the flowing robes to surround her body. ❱ But please know that you may be alone in this simulation, but not on the ship.

[when he'd built this simulation, it had been in hopes of being alone in a familiar place. to find a moment of peace, to meditate away the turmoil of the short comings of each mission and the events he'd left behind before the ximilia.

he'd lingered too long on the before, on the memory of meng yao's hand on his sword and shoulder as he pulled him close in the collapsing building. on the moment when he'd raised a hand to push meng yao away and the other man had asked,

'stay and die with me.'

when he'd made his peace, when he'd lowered his hand because it would have been so much easier than the guilt and a fair price for all that he'd allowed under his watch -- jin guangyao then cast him back to safety, toward the crumbling reality of everything xichen had believed in. ever in control, ever the puppet master.

it would have been easier, if jin guangyao hadn't chosen cruelty in the end. if xichen had died with him, if he lay resting in the stone coffin that now housed the corpses of nie mingjue and jin guangyao. then there would be no facing the loss, the heavy weight of how many had died because he'd been blind to so much. too much. had been too proud.

he hadn't thought meng yao would go so far, that he'd turn to such things. he'd thought if it came to extremes, his friend would turn to him first. would trust him as much as xichen trusted him. but looking back, in his heart xichen knows he should have known. should not have been so proud as to think he'd always chosen correctly, that the man he believed in could not be as cruel as others said. after all, the first jade of lan, the great zewu-jun would not befriend a monster. instead, he would raise the underdog up and give him a chance. wasn't that it? wasn't that what was expected?

and yet--- the sound of footsteps draws him out of daze and xichen finds himself in the hanshi, with the room around him torn apart and jiang yanli standing before him as he holds another book ready to throw in his hand.

there's still fire in his chest, a whirlwind of guilt and panic he does not fully remember clawing at his throat.

'you may be alone in this simulation, not not on this ship' she says and xichen is sure she does not mean to be cruel.] I should be. [he feels deflated then, drops the bound papers that had crumpled in his grip and lets himself drop to his knees as all the breath is knocked from him.] I had intended to enter Seclusion before... [before anyone found out of the mess raging within, of the doubt and fear.

perhaps there was justice in existing as his father had, away from the world. unable to do more harm.]

Edited (I AM SORRY I KEEP EDITING BUT WORDS AND FORMATTING ARE HARD.) 2021-12-23 05:31 (UTC)

❰ the picture that has been painted previously for her of the future she'd never be a part of is sparse and outlined, no colour to fill in the gaps or give detail where she desires it to be. most of it provided by lan xichen himself, she knows so little about what has transpired after her demise. the important facts have been laid out for her, which was enough at the time...but still so many questions remain unanswered.

the truth that lies in these spaces must be what is eating at lan xichen, she figures, as her breath settles into a shallow rhythm, sure now that she won't have to dodge another throw. even if she did, nothing would be held against him -- she's the invader here, anyway, gawking at this spectacle he intended for an audience of no one. ❱

The things you have weathered over the decades that I cannot comprehend...I could not pretend to understand or know the extent of the hardships you have seen and suffered. ❰ her arms wrap around herself, brain incapable of even guessing what all miseries and triumphs befall him and others during the roundabout two decades it seems have passed her by. ❱ Whatever may have transpired, I can think of few people who deserve isolation, your name not among that list.

[there is a moment that xichen wishes to lash out again, to strike. yet, jiang yanli was not at fault for any of the misfortunes and travesties of the last twenty years.

she was amongst the casualties. instead he lets out a laugh, a bitter frail sound.] I am afraid, the heart of the problem, is that I weathered nothing because I was oblivious to the cruelties I was assisting.

[knowingly or not, willfully or not.] Many would not have lost their lives at all if not for it.

❰ seeing someone so powerful feel so frail makes jiang yanli feel even more fragile, desperate to see him stand at gentle attention like he usually does. she could picture someone emotionally severe like lan wangji capable of this — and her brothers? there's no point in using them as examples; they are perfect pictures of severe emotionality — but lan xichen? so composed and collected?

well, everyone has their breaking points, and he seems to have found his. jiang yanli ventures a half-step into the room, face desperate. ❱

And so you blame yourself for the deceit? That you should have known things you had no way of knowing? The Lan Xichen that I know, leader of the Gusu Lan Clan, would not simply hide under a rock as cruelties took place, or assist them so knowingly.

❰ but even in the case that he was...jiang yanli has always found it in herself to be a realist in that morality is gray, and the paths that people must walk to reach their ideal future can be rocky. the only thing that would truly turn her off is lan xichen being purposeful in his maliciousness. ❱

If that were the case, you would have to shoulder blame. But even at the level of cultivation you have achieved, are you not a man who shouldn't be expected to see all?

[the logic in her words does not outweigh the pain in xichen's heart, though he does hear it.

he shakes his head. ] If one constantly seems to meet expectations, what's expected of them only grows. [but, in truth, it was xichen's pride that caused that downfall. that he believed he could and did embody the precepts so well that with his conviction, he could not fail in keeping those that he cared for safe.] I blame myself for my pride, Jiang Yanli. I was not totally unaware of what Jin Guangyao was capable of but I believed he trusted me enough that he would tell me of the extent of his plans, that I could stop him.

[he'd seen the best in the other man, who had come to him for guidance and support. even if he'd been lying all along.] Many would not have lost their lives then. Your husband, you and your brother. [there was plenty wei wuxian did on his own to turn the clans against him, by being the easy target or his own hand. but jin guangyao and his father pushed that long.] Nie Mingjue... [and there he looks lost, fractured. xichen wraps his arms around himself, looks up at yanli again.] Had I listened.. he would be alive. Many would be.

My death was in no one's hands but my own. ❰ that's the one thing she's certain of. everything else doesn't immediately make sense. what actually happened to wei wuxian, she doesn't know — but she does know that wen ning, his righthand man, was the one responsible for the death of her husband in the literal sense. how lan xichen is somehow responsible for all of these deaths, and more, is lost on her.

closing her eyes in a grimace, she thinks about all of these loses of life that occurred, before and after her own. ❱ Do you mean to say that Jin Guangyao was instrumental in all of these tragedies? And then does that not mean the blood is on his hands, not yours?

❰ except it does make her sick that he was in court with her, that they had a amicable relationship, and yet...he is involved with the death of her husband? as shocking as it is, she knew in her heart of hearts that wei wuxian would have never...and then this man was responsible in part for the upbringing of her son? she attempts to keep her composure, but she can't help but run her words together and shake her head, trying to make sense of all of these hints and loose threads. ❱ I— I never knew Jin Guangyao as anything other than a decent man, perhaps with an unfortunate circumstance. Could anyone have known that his heart was capable of this?

[if he were not too tired, too worn out by the waves of emotions, lan xichen would argue. that the events that lead to it were set in motion by others.

but that's not unique is it? nothing happens in isolation.

he's still too lost in grief, in a cycle of blame that's tied to loss he has not processed.] I helped lift him up to the place that allowed him to do it. [nie mingjue had been against it, had been suspicious, and before xichen even jin guangshuan had no interest in his son.] He--- he managed to trick many along the way, Lady Jiang.

I-- [he cuts himself, off, shaking his head.] I had known he would do a lot for his father, for the recognition of his clan. [for his own pride.] Not go so far but I had thought even if he thought of crossing lines-- I thought I knew him well. That he would come to me, that I could stop it. [he lets out a wet breath.] Yet, that is not the worst of it.

❰ the first half of his speaking does little more than go in one ear and out the other. the fact that her son was left in the hands of a wolf hits her and stays, reverberating through her brain. it's not fair— jiang cheng is there. wei wuxian is somewhere down the line. but the very basic sentiment is circling madly, until she snaps back to attention. ❱

Not the worst of it...? ❰ it's all very vague, but how can things be worse...? perhaps the blanks she's filled in in her head have been stuffed with imagination that's more severe than reality. it's hard to pinpoint what makes the most sense, and her head shakes instinctively to try and knock everything into place.

instead, it moves loose a piece of information that has been adjacently floating at the corner of her mind. ❱ You said once, in my dream. Jin Guangyao is no longer the leader of Jin clan — so where is he now? What became of him?

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lan xichen december open post

a morphed piece of home.

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( a breakdown )

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