ximilialog | Infirmary Visits

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Infirmary Visits

CHARACTERS: Kaidan and Whoever wants to visit him
LOCATION: Infirmary
DATE: Early December
CONTENT: Kaidan fed the orb and now has to rest in the infirmary. Please visit him (and make sure he actually stays in bed until he's healed)
WARNINGS: I have no idea. Mild swearing and alcohol consumption, probably

Kaidan really did not want to go back to an infirmary. After spending so long in Huerta Memorial, he was done with hospitals for a while. But Viveca called him out on it the moment they arrived back at the station. And truth be told, he was dead tired after giving his power to the orb. He managed to drag himself to the infirmary and then collapsed onto a bed.

He had pushed himself hard before but it never felt like this. Kaidan imagined that this must be what an overheated engine would feel like. He was stripped down to a tank-top and trousers and he still felt too damn hot. For once his hair wasn't in its usual straight-edged construction, as the static charge that usually went through his body was weakened by the orb's consumption. He was on a pretty steady diet of lots of water and anything with electrolytes, carbs, anything that would give him energy back. Much like when the Cerberus robot attacked him, Kaidan was keeping his biotics "off-line" while he rested. Not that he thought he could really do much with them at the moment anyway.

He tried to send thought-to-text messages to his new students letting them know training was temporarily cancelled but couldn't focus enough to finish. Hopefully they would figure it out just from hearing Viveca say his name and that he needed to report to the infirmary.

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Blue leans forward a bit to peer at the tool. The more Kaidan explains, the more the Mu feels a small sense of unease. He can't deny the utility, but...

"Is it...permanently affixed to you? Or is this...some kind of accessory you take on and off?"

"I could take it off," Kaidan assured him with a gentle smile. "I'm just careful when I do it. I don't want it getting lost or someone messing around with it. Or accidentally hurting themselves by activating the blade function."

"Don't worry," Kaidan soothed. "The only thing permanently attached to me is my implant, and I need that to use my biotics in a practical way."

Blue looks visibly relieved to hear that. Prosthetics aren't new to Mu on the whole, but the idea of affixing computerized equipment is a bit too far, a bit too close to giving control over to a machine than Blue is comfortable thinking on.

"So the people of your universe...their relationship to technology is more balanced, then?"

"That's a complicated answer." He folded his hands over his stomach as he pondered it. Complicated, but also a good diversion in his road to recovery. "We need our technology for so much of our lives. It helped humans advance quickly and introduced us to the rest of the galaxy. I don't know if 'balanced' is the right word. It's just... how we function; we need the technology or else our society wouldn't work."

Could Kaidan survive without his omni-tool? Yes. Could he survive without his implant? Maybe, though not as well since he wouldn't be able to exert such focused control of his biotics. But Tali absolutely couldn't survive without her technology, and EDI and the geth wouldn't even exist.

"The relationship with certain technology is still a little shaky," Kaidan concluded. "Right now, we're all just fighting to make it out the other side of the war."

Again, Blue falls quiet, contemplative, chewing on this information. 'How we function'... Can the Mu really deny their own reliance on technology? Certainly they can refuse the Mother System, but they still need so much to survive, frail and alone as they are.

"Hundreds of years ago, after the devastation of Terra, the humans of my universe came to the conclusion...that no governance would ever be satisfactory if it was run by human will. They instead built a system of computers and an artificial intelligence which would serve as the ultimate decision-maker for society." He closes his eyes. "Superior Domination was established to lead the future of humankind...in exchange for their freedom to determine their own fates, humans were swaddled in safety and creature comforts. It has gotten to the point where whole systems are in place to mold human will into uniform, docile dispositions more receptive to this kind of rule.

"At this point...it isn't even a matter of using technology...as it is being used for it. To be part of the algorithms and objectives of the SD System."

He opens his eyes and looks back at Kaidan, smiling grimly.

"It is why I...am still very leery of such things. Of Viveca. I know what it looks like...when such things are trusted too much."

Kaidan listened, growing more and more disturbed as Blue spoke. What Blue described sounded horrifying; it was so much like what people against AI feared. He completely understood why Blue would be leery of technology if that was the world he came from. What the Reapers threatened was extinction, but what Blue described sounded like what was happening with the husks, the banshees, all the twisted creations of the Reapers that robbed a species of their selves.

"I understand," Kaidan said out loud, though he certainly didn't need to as Blue was likely picking up his thoughts. "And I won't tell you that you should trust Viveca or any of this. I don't completely trust it myself. Personally, I think that's good. There need to be people who question all of this."

There's consolation in those words - and the understanding that Kaidan is sincere in those words. It smooths out some of the unease in Blue's features.

"I'm glad I at least get the chance...to meet humans outside of that system." He nods at Kaidan. "Who are still free to decide...how they wish to live. Even in a circumstance like this."

After all, no one ordered Kaidan to offer up energy to the orb, did they?

"I hope some day your people can have that kind of freedom," Kaidan said. "In the meantime, you have this place and these people. You can be whoever you want to be." Even if that meant choosing to feed an orb and potentially making things worse. Kaidan was still wrestling with that, but he would rather his own power be drained than let the orb continue to feed on Remi and the people of Kilnan.

Whoever he wants to be, huh?

"I wonder about that...what kind of person I could even be at this stage." His gaze drifts away from Kaidan in a thoughtful manner.

"There was never really...much of a choice. So to even have any...I am not certain I would know how to decide."

After a beat, he looks back.

"How would you?"

It's a good question, and Kaidan takes a long moment to think about it. He tries very hard to imagine growing up without choices, without being allowed to have free will. Who would he have been, and how could he go from that life to one where he did have options? In an odd way, this sort of feels like the kind of discussion EDI would have with Shepard.

"Well, I think I would look for inspiration from people I admire. When I was a kid, I loved reading adventure stories. They're what fueled my passion for space and what made me want to go out and be a hero. My father served in the Alliance, so I learned about honor and sacrifice from him. Once I grew older I got to take everything I learned and used that to decide what sort of person I was going to be."

Kaidan let all that sink in before going on. "I would suggest thinking about the people on this station you admire, and what you admire about them. Maybe those are qualities you want to emulate?"

Blue's mouth tugs a bit, listening to Kaidan reflect. The way he talks, the quality of his feelings tied to his words...it reminds him of the way his own Mu comrades would look to him. They looked to him, but rarely could he look to them in the same way. He was the first, and even if he wasn't old enough or ready enough to be a leader and role model, it's what he had to be.

"Perhaps so," he muses, bobbing his head in a slow nod. "The ones who showed me kindness, you and others...I would hope to be able to return it."

But there's a frustrating feeling bubbling underneath that hopeful thought, a nagging sense of awareness that there's so little time left. That shouldn't matter, yet it rankles all the same.

If only something like this had happened sooner in his life.

"That's an excellent start," Kaidan nods encouragingly. "You're already doing that just by keeping me company. I hate being stuck here when I could be out helping everyone work on their powers. Hopefully it won't take me very long to recover."

He's usually finished cooling down quickly, but this energy drain is more than he's ever done before. A day, two at most? He doesn't really know for sure but he'll judge it on his skin no longer being hot to the touch and his hair poofing back to its usual style.

"Are there many who rely on you here now?" Blue asks, curious. "Others who use telekinesis..."

"I've met other telekinetics," Kaidan nods, "but there are people with other abilities I'm working with, too. I just wanted to create a place where we can all use our powers safely. Learn how they work if they're new to us, or hone and strengthen them if we've had them for a while."

He's quiet for a moment, getting lost in memory. "Having powers can make you feel different, isolated from other people," he muses. "Brain Camp was hell sometimes but I wasn't alone, and that made all the difference. Same for the biotic kids at Grissom and my spec-ops students. I wanted to create something like that here... something to help people not feel alone, not feel like freaks. It can be the difference between success and losing hope."

Blue breathes out a soft sound of understanding.

"It must be hard..." No, it is hard. "To not feel alone...when you can't feel others' minds around you. When you don't know...if someone is thinking of you."

"I never really thought about it," Kaidan admits. Blue's power is amazing but Kaidan would never want it himself. The migraines he suffers thanks to his implant are more than enough to deal with; he doesn't think he'd be able to handle having other people's thoughts in his head, too.

"Most people have ways of showing they're thinking about you even if you can't actually hear their thoughts," he continues. "You showed me you were thinking about me by coming by to visit. I know my friends on the Normandy are thinking of me when they do things for me or come by to chat." He falls quiet then as his mind drifts off to when Shepard visited him at Huerta Memorial. Those were definite signs that the commander was thinking of Kaidan, even with everything else he had to do.

Proof of conviction...actions in place of intentions. It's not as though deeds are worthless to a Mu, but rather they enrich and nurture the feelings already perceived. For those who can't, though...those actions and gestures really are crucial, aren't they?

The lapse to quiet doesn't ruffle Blue in the slightest, as the surface-level flickerings of Kaidan's memories fill in that space quite nicely. There's a lot of strange shadows and shapes formed from them - strangers to Blue's mind, naturally, but they are comprised of familiar feelings. Camaraderie looks the same in lots of different universes, Blue has learned.

"Then..." He lifts his eyes. "The next time I visit...shall I return with something for you to eat?" Food offerings seem to be a big thing on this station.

"Clear it with Doctor McCoy first," Kaidan advises. He thinks it should be okay-- any food will work toward getting his energy back-- but he didn't want Blue to get in trouble.

Blue's head tilts just slightly, and it's apparent that he's not certain he knows the face who belongs to that name. At least, not until Kaidan is to think on him and give him a clue - that's when he can nod and offer a soft sound of understanding.

"I won't get ahead of myself, then." He hesitates, his mouth quirking faintly on one side. "Since...I still need practice. Preparing food myself."

He hadn't really expected Blue to actually make the food himself. Just a simple sandwich would be more than enough.

"You don't have to do anything fancy," Kaidan assures him. "Hell, even a nutrient bar would be nice. I'm sure you've heard the saying about it being the thought that counts."

His eyes crinkle with a bit of warmth for a moment.

"I might...live that saying more than most. But perhaps...subjecting someone recovering to my novice cooking is too much."

Kaidan lets out a soft chuckle and shifts a bit on the bed-- not from lack of comfort but just him feeling restless and fidgety.

"Well, whatever you want to bring me will be welcomed. Though you don't have to bring anything at all, of course."

Kaidan's words are honest, aren't they: Blue doesn't have to bring anything but his company. It's a nice feeling to have. Blue dips his head for a moment to acknowledge the bit of comfort that provides before looking back to him.

Back on the Shangri-La, Harley would visit Blue with a bottle of synthetic whisky. Blue never drank it, never liked it, but Harley always brought it with him. And that was fine - Blue was happier with his presence than any offering. This is something of the same, and that, too, is consolation.

"Would you be alright with me...calling you a friend, Kaidan?" he asks. Maybe it's a no-brainer of a notion, but navigating the boundaries and proclivities of folks here has been rocky.

The question startles Kaidan a little, but he smiles. "Yes, that's all right, Blue. I'm glad that you consider me your friend. It's a precious thing to have, especially when you're far from your home."

Blue's mouth pulls again, grateful. Such a question seems to fall in a bucket of notions that seem to illicit strong reactions out of people, so he never knows what to expect in asking.

"...Thank you. It's true, as you say."

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Infirmary Visits

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