ximilialog | ( OPEN ) MISSION 3.1 | time shifts, dreams fade, ripples blur the illusion

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( OPEN ) MISSION 3.1 | time shifts, dreams fade, ripples blur the illusion

CHARACTERS: Jiang Yanli & You
LOCATION: Jiang Yanli's Dreamscape
DATE: Throughout the mission
CONTENT: Having fallen into a deep sleep, Jiang Yanli's dreams and memories play out for others to see and take part in
WARNINGS: Possible violence, mentions of death, canon spoilers guaranteed to be mentioned. Look below for specific warnings for each memory.

⇢ LOTUS PIER: relatively tame, more nostalgic and wistful than traumatic
⇢ JIN CLAN CHAMBERS: a little more psychologically complicated; involves issues of loss of child (abstract) and abandoned motherhood
⇢ NIGHTLESS CITY: obvious death and undead yanli. totally lost in the dream sauce here. injury is highly likely.

If you want to talk out another memory to enjoy, PM me or hit me up at haseul!

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Wow. He's beautiful.

[His smile grows, and it's hard to resist reaching out and holding one of those little hands but he doesn't want to wake the boy up and stress out his poor mother.]

I don't see kids around a lot at work. Not... happy ones, that belong somewhere, anyway. Not babies.

[And he certainly never thought of himself as a baby person, but it's sort of incredible, isn't it? Tiny tiny little life, right there in his mother's arms.]

❰ his small form makes soft sounds, the gurgles and hiccups of a sleeping baby. her rhythmic bouncing slows as he sinks further into deep sleep, eyes staying closed as her own comforting noises fade. ❱

He is happy. I hope he is. ❰ she gives him one more warm smile before she carefully pushes him from his place tucked against her bosom, blankets still cradling his frame enough so that he feels still. ❱ You may hold him if you like. He's quite a heavy sleeper.

I - thanks.

[Has he ever held a baby before? No, not really, other than Dellinger crawling all over him, but that kid isn't exactly fragile the way human babies seem like they must be. So he's a little apprehensive, but also grateful for her trust. He reaches out and scoops the kid up, then just goes ahead and sits down there with Jin Rulan in his arms.]

This is a first. He's so... small. How old is he?

❰ it feels like a failure of motherhood to admit that holding him for so long makes her elbows ache, but the break in constant motion is actually a welcome pause. jiang yanli uses the freedom to lean against the ornamental framework, keeping a watchful eye on her son. ❱

He'll be a year soon. It's strange to think that I see him as so big, instead. ❰ he was quite a hefty infant, and she felt all the pain of bearing him. and yet in her mind's eye, he was once so much smaller compared to how much he's grown over these months.

but it's nothing compared to how much he's grown in reality. ❱ In the timeline of the companion from my home, he is a young man already. I like to guess at times how much taller he is than I am.

[Now, that's a shock. Her son, already a young man? She's so young, or at least she appears that way, how could he- ah. Right. Timelines. The blatant surprise fades from his face a little as he processes that. Strange stuff, and yet he's finding ways to get used to it here.]

Must have been a real blessing, having a kid who's such a good sleeper. I don't think I was at this age. Must have driven my parents mad. When you go back... If things work out, you must be looking forward to seeing him grow up.

[He's making assumptions here, since she's implied pretty thoroughly that things did not work out for her, one way or another, even if she has never told him exactly what happens. But she must be trying to fix that in undoing whatever she regrets, right?]

In the future I'm trying to make, his foretold birth would not occur.

❰ there are so many moving parts in her past that she hopes can be changed, if she achieves her goal. so many things may be undone, and jin ling would be one of them. it's both selfless and selfish -- removing the existence of a person, but for the potential greater good of so many others. her family's entire history with the jin clan...it brought about so much pain, including the death of her son's father.

it's such a sad state of affairs. and the complicated situation turns in her mind on a daily basis, as she thinks of all the things she must give up, and all the things she previously had. it brings a sad smile to jiang yanli's face. ❱

But...I believe that the creation of his soul is a surety. Even if I am not his mother, I know that Jin Rulan will be alive and prosperous.

❰ it's a blessing that she puts so much stock in fate, as much as it feels hypocritical at times. but at least in the worst case scenario, if she and her husband were fated to die, surely jin ling was fated to live.

and in the case of him not being her son. well. she looks at her son again, softly reaching to him in order to readjust the blankets crowding his face. his soft breathing puts her at ease, only somewhat. ❱ I wasn't a mother to him for very long in any case, so I don't believe such a change would be to his detriment.

But... But, that's...

[Well, he's not sure what, except that it sounds awful and he can't help but feel for her and the loss she might have to bear. Even if the boy is born one way or another to someone else, if that's a thing that can happen, then still, she's having to give up her own son in order to make the changes she wants to see?

It's the sort of sacrifice few people would be willing to make and it speaks volumes to her dedication. But it's unbearably hard to think about, while she fusses over the baby in his arms.

He swallows.]

I'm sorry you have to make a choice like that. I can't imagine how much it must hurt.

❰ she looks up into rosinante's eyes briefly, before casting back downwards to make sure the vision of her son is still stuck in her mind's eye. there's something complex about acknolweding the apology; she doesn't deserve a sorry, is what she thinks. in either timeline, she's abandoned her son by choice. at least in this new timeline she images could be possible, it would actually be for his benefit. ❱

It's difficult to imagine a future different from the past I've already lived...but I know that of the good things to come of it, Jin Rulan is one of the few positive. Such a world of conflict and pain...I wonder how fair it is to simply let things be if I knew he would have to suffer such a life.

I have died, his father has died...his other family is thrown into chaos. It would hurt worse to think I could potentially right these wrongs, instead of selfishly keep the world the same.

[Her admission hits hard. He knows what it's like to grow up without parents, to have a childhood ripped away from him and replaced with years of living nightmares instead.

If his parents could undo what happened to him and his brother, they would too, wouldn't they? Even if he's made the best of the life he had and wouldn't ask them to change it, they would.

He lets out a sigh he didn't mean to hold in, and watches the child in his arms as he sleeps.]

Then... I trust you're doing the right thing. You've thought it through. And I hope it means he has a good, peaceful life.

It is something that I am holding out hope on. And why these goals are so important to me.

❰ she has yet to find some way to achieve hers this time, and in fact has perhaps succumbed to the situation in a way that means she can't accomplish what she sets out to do. she's been told not to help someone in need, but the way that things are going...maybe she'll be the one who truly needs help.

finally, jiang yanli's hand retracts as she's settled on the exact right way he's blankets should be adjusted. with one last sad smile, she looks back up at rosinante with a bit more pep in her expression. ❱

I try so very hard to keep the negative aspects out of my mind when I look at his sleeping face. In this space, I find it easier to be successful. After all, I can feel him -- not just see.

I get that. And I'm glad. If the dreams I've visited so far are any indication, not many here have gotten to have pleasant memories.

[He wouldn't call this happy, it's entirely too bittersweet for that. But pleasant, that will do, and he's glad for her. There's been entirely too much suffering in this long bout of sleep.]

I have a kid I'm looking after back home. He's not mine by birth, more like a friend half my age than anything else, but I know I'd do anything to make his life better too. Dunno if I'll ever have kids of my own, though. Being a parent sounds hard.

❰ it's actually easy for her to see rosinante as someone who is fatherly. he has a very soft disposition, and is always so supportive. she's quite sure that this kid he speaks of is in good hands. ❱

At times it can be sleepless. Tiring. I have help afforded to me, but I feel that my child should be my responsibility above anyone else's. ❰ caring for a toddler is not an easy task at all, but for the most part...he's made it a smooth transition, from wife to motherhood. ❱ I don't know much about his disposition as he's aged. So I often wonder if he would have been a handful or easy to manage.

All of the men he would have left in his life are strong willed, so I can't imagine him being anything but.

He's lucky to have had you. Even if - I mean, despite what you've said about what happens, it's obvious you gave him the best life you could.

[And as loath as he is to let go of the kid, because it's awfully nice to have him sleeping so peacefully in his arms, he also feels like it isn't fair to rob his mother of her son for any more time than necessary, so he lifts the boy in her direction so she can take him back.]

❰ offered back to her, jiang yanli takes her son back into her arms. his form shifts slightly, causing a sleepy reaction of an arm shifting upward to rest on his face, but otherwise the boy remains peaceful and asleep. ❱

I hope so. ❰ it's a hard sentiment to agree to. perhaps another mother, a better mother, wouldn't have willingly left him so easily. it was a hard choice, made in an instant, but one she can perhaps take back -- remove it as a factor entirely. otherwise, she's often wondered what her grown son would say to her now if he saw her. if he would spurn her for choosing the man who was responsible for the death of his father over him. ❱ I was simply relieved to know that he was alive and well. To be orphaned as an adult is already such an emotional burden...I do not know if it would be harder to know and miss them or to long to know them at all.

I suppose what matters isn't which is harder, but what one makes of their life in either circumstance.

I... suppose I'm an example of the former. I still hold my memories of my parents close to my heart, even though it's been a very long time.

[And he's not asking for pity, or saying anything at all about her choices. It's just how his one life turned out, and he's done the best with it that he could.]

❰ she has no pity for him, but instead empathy. jiang yanli vividly remembers finding out both her mother and father had died, and how she had collapsed in the woods in a heap of sobs. her kind father, her task-master mother...she'd never see them again, only capable of giving them offerings and lighting incense in their ancestral chambers.

it had never occurred to her to envision her own son lighting incense for her in such a way. it breaks her heart. ❱

The loss of parents is one that hangs heavy on the shoulders of most. I hope that they were good to you -- though based on your own disposition, I am sure that they were. You'll no doubt share that kindness with that child in your charge.

They were good.

[It's all he can say. They gave up too much for the life they wanted him and his brother to have. They didn't deserve what happened to them both.]

And... thanks. I hope to. I try. He's a tough kid. Too young to be on his own too, and he has a lot of anger in him over the things that put him in that situation. I just keep trying to remind him that there's good in the world still too.

❰ jiang yanli considers setting her son back down into his bassinette, but the thought of letting go of him feels as if she was giving equal thought to removing her arm and placing it onto the bed. he has to be with her, at least for now -- eventually she'll wake up, or the world will shift once again and that will be the end of it all. ❱

My youngest brother held that kind of anger in him. I'm sure my death did not help the matter, but too much was asked of him, unfairly and too soon. I love him dearly...but I wonder if it made my son just as angry, with age. ❰ with the rest of his family being very haughty and aristocratic, she's wondered. of the three yunmeng jiang siblings, it wasn't to say that she and wei wuxian weren't ever angry...but she herself was a calming force, and wei wuxian provided levity in his own way. being raised exclusively by jiang cheng (what had happened to her other brother...that part of the picture was still blurry) while he was grieving and mad at the world, she could only imagine how that could spill out onto others.

but that also feels like speaking ill when unnecessary. if she could be sure of anything, jiang yanli knows her brother would be a loving uncle, and splendid father figure. things like anger, however, can still seep through in the spaces in between. ❱ With a positive force, I hope that that mindset can eventually be broken. That someone can somehow heal the pain that is the source of it.

Yeah. That's exactly how I feel. Why I'm doing my best to make sure Law knows at least one person loves him.

[He won't deny it, the feeling of being loved and cared for is what pulled him through some of his own darkest times. Still does.

Some people end up irredeemable, but Law isn't one of them. He knows that, like he knows that grass is green, and fish can swim.]

Maybe... Whatever happens, maybe there'll always be a part of your son who can feel that love coming from you, even if he doesn't know it's you or why he feels it. All that matters is that he does.

It's strange to speak of myself in such a way...but I'm sure that my spirit was with him, through the years. I wouldn't know because of where I come from in the timeline of things, but I hope he felt my presence.

❰ how much will it matter if she undoes her regret? will that jin rulan be on a separate thread of time, still visited by a fraction of her spirit? will it all be unraveled, then woven back together with the change that she's made?

in a room of her own mental design, where reality feels so tenuous, she wonders how time works. what time is it now, and how many minutes, hours, or even days has she stood here with her son in her arms? ❱

When we've completed all of these missions, do you think we'll keep our knowledge of all that has happened aboard the ship, and otherwise?

[Will Law think of him still, if he fails here? Will any part of his own spirit continue to protect the kid?

It's going to keep him wondering for a good long while, but it also means that Yanli's thoughts are something he can relate all too directly to, even if he isn't sure how much he believes about things like destiny and the inherited wills that the boy's clan supposedly carries through generations. If there's any part of it that's real, it's simply that love is an incredibly powerful force.]

I don't know enough to say. [But he frowns as he thinks on it.] I've heard from people here who've traveled through time and they keep their memories when they do that, so maybe it'll work for us too. Guess I hope it does.

❰ everything is so uncertain. she wishes that were the case, but wonders how much it would even matter when the entire purpose of being here is to unwind time and make wrongs right. this is all time that could also be unwound. ❱

In some ways, I wish that I could spend all the time in the world here. But I know it would be to no one's benefit...it's how I know this is still just a dream, even if I want to give in. And so badly.

❰ without even closing her eyes, the image of her son in her arms that she was staring at so longingly only moments ago fades and disappears. it has been nice to reminisce, but it's also a game that she can't invest too much feeling in — whether for the sake of remaining grounded in reality, or simply what she may or may not deserve to hold onto anymore.

the absence of his small form is made clear as she takes the mass of blankets she was bundling in her chest and collapses them together, folding them over an arm. ❱

I'm glad that when I wake up, I'll know that I can still recall my son so vividly.

[Dreams are dreams, after all, no matter how real they seem. He deflates a little himself, out of sympathy for her and her son, and then reaches to lightly place a hand on her back.]

Treasure that as long as you can. Whatever has to change, he'll always be there in your memories. You'll always be connected to him, no matter what.

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( OPEN ) MISSION 3.1 | time shifts, dreams fade, ripples blur the illusion

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