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[He delays in the teleportation room, the last to leave minutes after everyone else is gone, and when he does finally step out, he takes his time walking back. Their mission was as successful as it could have been and even though his heart is heavy with the loss of so many Hivawei, that's not the heaviness that slows his step back to their room.
Deep in his heart, he already knows. (Has known since that first day on Ciraiwei to be honest.) She would have been there waiting for them.
He doesn't even try to call.
When he finally reaches the room, he spends minutes in front of the door before stepping inside.
It's empty of life inside, the air stale with disuse, and not a single spider scurries across the walls or his shoes. Wei Wuxian closes his eyes and sends a single text as he sits down in the middle of the room and pulls his knees up to his chest, head bowed to press his forehead to the tops of them before he sends a single text.]
she's gone.
[He sits there like that for a few hours, curled up and unmoving, but as the hour grows late he finds himself unwilling to spend another minute in there alone. Rising to his feet, he exits the room and traces a familiar path without paying any attention to what he's doing until his fist is knocking against Itachi's door.]
Deep in his heart, he already knows. (Has known since that first day on Ciraiwei to be honest.) She would have been there waiting for them.
He doesn't even try to call.
When he finally reaches the room, he spends minutes in front of the door before stepping inside.
It's empty of life inside, the air stale with disuse, and not a single spider scurries across the walls or his shoes. Wei Wuxian closes his eyes and sends a single text as he sits down in the middle of the room and pulls his knees up to his chest, head bowed to press his forehead to the tops of them before he sends a single text.]
she's gone.
[He sits there like that for a few hours, curled up and unmoving, but as the hour grows late he finds himself unwilling to spend another minute in there alone. Rising to his feet, he exits the room and traces a familiar path without paying any attention to what he's doing until his fist is knocking against Itachi's door.]
Edited 2023-03-30 00:17 (UTC)
[They've been back more than a week and outwardly Wei Wuxian is mostly back to normal. He doesn't go out as much, but when he's out, his expressions are friendly and easygoing, revealing none of the sorrow that still clings to him after Gwen's departure. It's a pain that he knows that will lessen with time, and in the meantime he does what he can to avoid the brunt of it.
The nights would be hardest if he was staying on his own. Instead, it's the mornings that get him. That's when he and Gwen would go about their respective routines together, bumping into each other and making light conversation. He goes through the motions on his own now.
This morning finds him especially broken up about it and before he can even think about it, he's texting Mal.]
What are you doing right now?
The nights would be hardest if he was staying on his own. Instead, it's the mornings that get him. That's when he and Gwen would go about their respective routines together, bumping into each other and making light conversation. He goes through the motions on his own now.
This morning finds him especially broken up about it and before he can even think about it, he's texting Mal.]
What are you doing right now?
not sleeping. [ though by mal's schedule, this would be far later than he normally rises. even nearly a year on the station, he keeps a soldier's schedule.
some things are too hard to leave behind. ] i just finished up a shower. do you need something? all alright?
some things are too hard to leave behind. ] i just finished up a shower. do you need something? all alright?
["Do you need something?"
Wei Wuxian pauses, but only for a moment.]
a distraction would be nice
Wei Wuxian pauses, but only for a moment.]
a distraction would be nice
[The knock at the door comes late morning about a week after their return. He hasn't been isolating himself in his room (well, Itachi's room where he's currently staying) but he hasn't exactly been social this week either. The reason why is obvious and it makes itself known in the sorrow still present in his eyes and a smile not as bright as it usually is. But there is a smile on his face when Huaisang opens the door and it looks sincere, even through the clear exhaustion.]
Nie-xiong, can I steal you away right now? I was hoping you could help me with something.
Nie-xiong, can I steal you away right now? I was hoping you could help me with something.
（ the door is opened between one knock and the next. itachi is standing there, expression inscrutable, somber and slightly damp from a recent shower that by the outward billowing of steam must have been excruciatingly hot.
he says nothing. simply takes wei wuxian by the wrist and pulls him into the room. the pneumatic hiss of the door behind them is the only sound for what feels like lightyears, and then itachi simply pulls him into an embrace. ）
he says nothing. simply takes wei wuxian by the wrist and pulls him into the room. the pneumatic hiss of the door behind them is the only sound for what feels like lightyears, and then itachi simply pulls him into an embrace. ）
[Most times when Itachi initiates contact with him, Wei Wuxian maintains a strong awareness of his friend's preference for not being touched. In those cases, there's a kind of tentativeness to his actions, returning the gesture but ready to pull back at a moment's notice, attuned to the way Itachi tenses or shifts even slightly.
Not now.
Now, Itachi pulls him into an embrace and he clings back with all that he has, burying his face in the crook of Itachi's neck and finally allowing himself to cry.]
Not now.
Now, Itachi pulls him into an embrace and he clings back with all that he has, burying his face in the crook of Itachi's neck and finally allowing himself to cry.]
（ and for once, there is no resistance in him. he isn't primed to shunshin away. one hand is not held slightly apart to form seals at the last dying gasp of his tolerance.
wei wuxian clings to him. more than a thing allowed, it is welcomed. one hand lifts to stroke wei wuxian's hair as the man's tears dampen the shoulder of his shirt. dizzyingly, the similarity to what happened after aldyhion was not lost on him, inverse and juxtaposed. how can he do anything else but be there for this man now? ）
I have you.
（ a soft murmur. gentle, but sure. ）
wei wuxian clings to him. more than a thing allowed, it is welcomed. one hand lifts to stroke wei wuxian's hair as the man's tears dampen the shoulder of his shirt. dizzyingly, the similarity to what happened after aldyhion was not lost on him, inverse and juxtaposed. how can he do anything else but be there for this man now? ）
I have you.
（ a soft murmur. gentle, but sure. ）
[That pulls a wet gasping sound from the back of his throat, the words hitting him with as much force as a physical blow, and his fingers curl around the fabric of Itachi's shirt. He doesn't sob openly, instead trembling as they shake him apart without ever fully breeching the surface. Eventually his crying softens and his grip loosens, still holding on but not as if some invisible force was likely to rip Itachi away at any moment.
Still, he stays in Itachi's arms and blinks through the still quietly falling tears.]
I already knew. I knew when she wasn't there in the teleportation room, but I...the room was so empty.
Still, he stays in Itachi's arms and blinks through the still quietly falling tears.]
I already knew. I knew when she wasn't there in the teleportation room, but I...the room was so empty.
I know.
（ the same thought had occurred to him, but he had not remained to weather it. he had needed space, and distance — the world's death is still too raw, and while he cares for gwen very deeply, he has always put the needs of the many over the life of the one.
he can weather loss. he has been weathering loss his entire life. but the scale of that loss...
mm. ）
I'm sorry. I should not have left you there alone.
（ the same thought had occurred to him, but he had not remained to weather it. he had needed space, and distance — the world's death is still too raw, and while he cares for gwen very deeply, he has always put the needs of the many over the life of the one.
he can weather loss. he has been weathering loss his entire life. but the scale of that loss...
mm. ）
I'm sorry. I should not have left you there alone.
[He shakes his head against Itachi's shoulder.]
It's fine. [He'd been in a daze then, hardly aware of anyone else anyway.
His eyes open to blink blearily at Itachi's shoulder and he adjusts his head, turning it to the side so that he can stare at a wall.]
I know she's safe. I know she's home. [It isn't the same as all the other losses that weigh on him to this day.] Is it foolish how much it still hurts?
It's fine. [He'd been in a daze then, hardly aware of anyone else anyway.
His eyes open to blink blearily at Itachi's shoulder and he adjusts his head, turning it to the side so that he can stare at a wall.]
I know she's safe. I know she's home. [It isn't the same as all the other losses that weigh on him to this day.] Is it foolish how much it still hurts?
Why would it be foolish to experience an emotion over a friend?
（ this is said almost chidingly, gentle and sure. when wei wuxian shifts, he mirrors the motion, though the embrace does not abate. ）
You were very close with her, for a not insignificant portion of your life. Furthermore, this attachment came on the heels of considerable trauma. What you are feeling is only natural. Denying it would be the foolish thing.
（ this is said almost chidingly, gentle and sure. when wei wuxian shifts, he mirrors the motion, though the embrace does not abate. ）
You were very close with her, for a not insignificant portion of your life. Furthermore, this attachment came on the heels of considerable trauma. What you are feeling is only natural. Denying it would be the foolish thing.
[In the wake of Finn's injuries, Wei Wuxian doesn't go looking for Felix right away. First he waits to be assured that Finn will be alright, and then the man seems to magically disappear from the station altogether. It isn't surprising to learn that he's also a coward. Men like him always are.
But the time spent waiting doesn't do anything to temper the chaotic fury inside of him. (It had taken three months of waiting before he could get his hands on Wen Chao, and when he did, he still took him apart piece by peice—quite literally. Time had done nothing to sooth him then as it does nothing now.)
In the days before he finds Felix, Wei Wuxian plays his flute every day. He doesn't play in the room he's still sharing with Itachi, but in the simulation room late at night, the door locked to keep anyone out. He plays and he calls on everything inside of him and every thing hidden away in the depths of Baiyun, each note drawing out the screaming voices of the dead that he's been slowly giving a home to in his beloved dizi. (The flute doesn't house the thousands of dead that his former Chenqing did, but it's powerful enough by now.) The cries of souls drowned in the acid waters of E23-B join the wails of miners lost to the Silver Mines of Alydhion, all of them angry and ready to answer his call.
He bathes in their resentment, singing it into his veins and feeling it slip into the empty space inside of him where a golden core used to reside.
It isn't as effective as living in the Burial Mounds, but it's a start.
It takes effort to keep resentful energy from slipping out of him now, his focus always split between what he's doing and keeping a tight rein on the energy that wants to drip out of his skin and swirl around him.
Not yet, he soothes, not now. Soon.
On the day he finally finds Felix slinking through the halls on a path to the kitchen, Wei Wuxian smiles and sets himself in the man's path. (It's a smile he hasn't worn since E23-B, cruel and vicious, and he turns it happily on Felix now.) Darkness pulses beneath his skin and he holds it there. Just for a little longer.]
I should have checked the kitchens sooner. [He laughs, entirely mirthless.] People like you aren't usually willing to make themselves slightly uncomfortable.
But the time spent waiting doesn't do anything to temper the chaotic fury inside of him. (It had taken three months of waiting before he could get his hands on Wen Chao, and when he did, he still took him apart piece by peice—quite literally. Time had done nothing to sooth him then as it does nothing now.)
In the days before he finds Felix, Wei Wuxian plays his flute every day. He doesn't play in the room he's still sharing with Itachi, but in the simulation room late at night, the door locked to keep anyone out. He plays and he calls on everything inside of him and every thing hidden away in the depths of Baiyun, each note drawing out the screaming voices of the dead that he's been slowly giving a home to in his beloved dizi. (The flute doesn't house the thousands of dead that his former Chenqing did, but it's powerful enough by now.) The cries of souls drowned in the acid waters of E23-B join the wails of miners lost to the Silver Mines of Alydhion, all of them angry and ready to answer his call.
He bathes in their resentment, singing it into his veins and feeling it slip into the empty space inside of him where a golden core used to reside.
It isn't as effective as living in the Burial Mounds, but it's a start.
It takes effort to keep resentful energy from slipping out of him now, his focus always split between what he's doing and keeping a tight rein on the energy that wants to drip out of his skin and swirl around him.
Not yet, he soothes, not now. Soon.
On the day he finally finds Felix slinking through the halls on a path to the kitchen, Wei Wuxian smiles and sets himself in the man's path. (It's a smile he hasn't worn since E23-B, cruel and vicious, and he turns it happily on Felix now.) Darkness pulses beneath his skin and he holds it there. Just for a little longer.]
I should have checked the kitchens sooner. [He laughs, entirely mirthless.] People like you aren't usually willing to make themselves slightly uncomfortable.
[He lets out a wet sounding laugh and closes his eyes, his lips briefly pulling up into a smile that Itachi can't see.]
You make it sound so...[Okay. He makes it sound okay. Enough so that even Wei Wuxian believes it. He's quiet for a while after that, his eyes opened again. It's nice being held like this. It makes his heart hurt just a little less.]
Can I stay here tonight? I don't want to go back there right now.
You make it sound so...[Okay. He makes it sound okay. Enough so that even Wei Wuxian believes it. He's quiet for a while after that, his eyes opened again. It's nice being held like this. It makes his heart hurt just a little less.]
Can I stay here tonight? I don't want to go back there right now.
[With anyone else, he would pass off the infinitesimal movement as nothing without giving it a second thought.
He pulls back and searches Itachi's face for any indication behind it.]
What is it?
He pulls back and searches Itachi's face for any indication behind it.]
What is it?
[He stares at him for a moment and his lips twitch again. Was he disappointed he didn't get to offer first? (Probably not, but it's sweet nonetheless.) Wei Wuxian gives him a watery smile, ducking his head.]
I know. [Well.] I figured you'd be okay with it. [Long gone are the days when he assumed it'd be an inconvenience to his friend. Itachi has always made him feel welcome.]
I should go and grab some things. [He still hasn't even showered, and while he keeps an extra toothbrush at Itachi's after the amount of times he's stayed over, he doesn't have anything else on him.]
I know. [Well.] I figured you'd be okay with it. [Long gone are the days when he assumed it'd be an inconvenience to his friend. Itachi has always made him feel welcome.]
I should go and grab some things. [He still hasn't even showered, and while he keeps an extra toothbrush at Itachi's after the amount of times he's stayed over, he doesn't have anything else on him.]
[He breathes a sigh of relief and nods, rattling off a short list of only the necessities. It would have been easier to return only for a few minutes, but easier doesn't mean easy.]
Can I borrow your shower? I haven't yet. [As Itachi can certainly guess. He couldn't bring him to move from that single spot in his room, and all of the products in the shower reminded him of Gwen.]
Can I borrow your shower? I haven't yet. [As Itachi can certainly guess. He couldn't bring him to move from that single spot in his room, and all of the products in the shower reminded him of Gwen.]
Funny, [he said with a deadpan] I thought I made myself "slightly uncomfortable" enough in the last two years. War with the rebels--they have shit for everything.
[It was easy enough for a monster to recognize another monster. It didn't take a genius, or even someone as good at reading people as Felix was, to see that in Wei Wuxian's demeanor. It's not like he was trying to hide it anymore. That was more funny to Felix than anything else in this moment. Suddenly, inexplicably hilarious. It was like looking into a mirror. Felix could put on a good show--a perfect one, in fact, that lasted years without detection--and then it all fell away when it was no longer needed. To reveal the cutthroat beneath the facade.
Everyone had their masks they put on in public, but the fun and games only truly began whenever the masquerade was set aside and the truth came out to play. Everyone had their demons. It was just a matter of unveiling them.
Felix wasn't really in the mood for fun and games right now so with a forced smile of his own that didn't reach his eyes he stared at Wei Wuxian and said,] That aside, I still gotta eat and you're in my way. Which, cute, but I'm just going to-
[Attempt to ignore Wei Wuxian and go around him--which would be a lot easier if he was willing to punch the guy and slip by swiftly while he was worried about a broken nose. He could still try the fleet of foot effort at least since that was all he had currently on his side.]
[It was easy enough for a monster to recognize another monster. It didn't take a genius, or even someone as good at reading people as Felix was, to see that in Wei Wuxian's demeanor. It's not like he was trying to hide it anymore. That was more funny to Felix than anything else in this moment. Suddenly, inexplicably hilarious. It was like looking into a mirror. Felix could put on a good show--a perfect one, in fact, that lasted years without detection--and then it all fell away when it was no longer needed. To reveal the cutthroat beneath the facade.
Everyone had their masks they put on in public, but the fun and games only truly began whenever the masquerade was set aside and the truth came out to play. Everyone had their demons. It was just a matter of unveiling them.
Felix wasn't really in the mood for fun and games right now so with a forced smile of his own that didn't reach his eyes he stared at Wei Wuxian and said,] That aside, I still gotta eat and you're in my way. Which, cute, but I'm just going to-
[Attempt to ignore Wei Wuxian and go around him--which would be a lot easier if he was willing to punch the guy and slip by swiftly while he was worried about a broken nose. He could still try the fleet of foot effort at least since that was all he had currently on his side.]
[Literally ignoring everything Felix said because he couldn't give less of a fuck, Wei Wuxian laughs, and as he laughs, something like dark smoke begins to pour out of him, slithering from his very veins and curling around his own limbs before it rises to spread around both of them, blocking all exits. If felix attempts to touch it, he'll find it's solid enough he can't push through it, and where he's touched it, a snakelike head will form that lets out a soft hiss and snaps out at him to bite. It's probably not the best thing to do.]
Did I say you could go? [He hums under his breath, the sound eerie and soft, and the walls of resentful energy close in just a little tighter. As the energy whirls around them, Felix will begin to pick up on soft whispers all around him. Nothing quite discernible, nothing too loud, just catches of speech as if the resentful energy is full of people watching him. All the while, Wei Wuxian hasn't moved an inch and his smile stays in place.]
We're going to have a talk, Felix. Understood?
Did I say you could go? [He hums under his breath, the sound eerie and soft, and the walls of resentful energy close in just a little tighter. As the energy whirls around them, Felix will begin to pick up on soft whispers all around him. Nothing quite discernible, nothing too loud, just catches of speech as if the resentful energy is full of people watching him. All the while, Wei Wuxian hasn't moved an inch and his smile stays in place.]
We're going to have a talk, Felix. Understood?
[Felix's initial reaction was fairly predictable. He startled, flinching backwards away from the unexpected formation of the smoke that turned all too solid. But there was a distinct lack of fear from the mercenary after the initial surprise. Felix's nightmares provided much worse scenarios than this and besides--any potential signs of fear were superseded by Felix's much more common reaction to things that frustrated him: anger. He lashed out at the wall despite the inherent danger, and even punched at one of the snakes as it snapped at him, an automatic reaction to the thing attacking him. A lot of good it did him, but he felt a little better fighting than standing around like an idiot.
He eventually backed away from the wall as a lost cause, and turned his attention on Wei Wuxian. He rolled his eyes at the demand of his time to talk as if it wasn't very clear this was just some stupid intimidation tactic. As if Felix had no experience with the matter. He crossed his arms over his chest.]
There's nothing you can add to all the talking going around that will make any difference. You really can't make it worse than what's already on the table.
[There wasn't really anything worse than death, right?]
He eventually backed away from the wall as a lost cause, and turned his attention on Wei Wuxian. He rolled his eyes at the demand of his time to talk as if it wasn't very clear this was just some stupid intimidation tactic. As if Felix had no experience with the matter. He crossed his arms over his chest.]
There's nothing you can add to all the talking going around that will make any difference. You really can't make it worse than what's already on the table.
[There wasn't really anything worse than death, right?]
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