ximilialog | exhale [open]

Entry tags:

exhale [open]

CHARACTERS: Blue, any
LOCATION: infirmary, mess hall, sun room, Blue's dormitory
DATE: post-mission
CONTENT: downtime (+dream/memshare option)
WARNINGS: mention of terminal illness, medical treatments/needles

Disorienting moments blurred together in the chaos in and outside of himself, with the context left only to his physical senses and the alarming news coming in from the earpiece. Blue can only hold on and endure as the train is rocked, as the car he's trapped in slows to a crawl, as the noise keeps coming in over the signal...

Until he doesn't. Until his eyes have to wince to readjust to the reflective surfaces and glaring light of Ximilia, until he must shudder and brace against the feeling of his psionics flooding back to him, bringing forth the anguish, fury, confusion, and betrayal flooding the place as much as the bodies. It leaves Blue in something of a shock - one that's well and fine to be ignored, since hard focus on him would likely just rattle him more, and anyway, his own attention keeps getting forcibly redirected toward a fairly unified notion.

Newt.

Newt, monsters...the roiling, gnashing form that bit back when he reached out - is that? What happened? He doesn't know. He just sees Newton getting carried away while he and the rest are left to linger undirected.

The exhaustion creeps back in steadily, bringing with it the old awareness of a failing body that must work harder for less of what's necessary. He puts up no audible fuss about having to be ferried to the infirmary, about getting pinched yet again with needles for fluids that compensate for what he can't intake himself, but his insides are raging. Bodily, he aches. Mentally, he is caging lions: Frustration bubbles over in the face of how unfair it is that he had been given time and means to stand on his own two feet and move about as a hale body, only to have no means or power to do much more than rummage a few suitcases. This isn't how Soldier Blue could help. Why did he have to have his psionics taken away.

It's infuriating to ruminate on, and that fury, while muted externally, still informs the way his brow knits, the way he goes still and quiet, bracing against shuddering, aching waves of discomfort. Now and then, it makes simple objects near him rattle or lift off surfaces just barely when his psionics are up and lacking any other means to vent.

It's worse when those psionics are off, when he feels himself alone in his own mind - that's when he tries to gravitate toward populated spaces: The infirmary, the mess, the sun room...somewhere with familiar-seeming people in that unfamiliar-seeming state of mind. The frustration remains, but at this point, that's familiar, too.

In those spaces, at least, his focus can be pulled outside of himself and toward others, regardless of if their feelings of frustration resonate with his or not. Sometimes he wants to commiserate...and sometimes he wants to simply try and take care of the burdens of others, to feel as though he can leave some good behind despite the decay he's saddled with.

That orb never did respond. Nothing changed. Not for the better, anyway. What else...is he supposed to do? It can't be to just die quietly; he won't allow that.

Just as before, more and more time will be spent bedridden than he'd like. In sleep, should there still be hours left with his psionics active, his mind can be pulled out and toward others at rest, too, and he may find himself walking their dreams just as much as his own. The bleed over doesn't even have to be terribly seamless, since to a sleeping mind, anything and nothing can make sense anyway.

He's just...there, now. There, somewhere with someone, be it happy or sad.

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[all this trifling orb business...it frustrates more and more by the day. Viveca and Degar's thinkingways...they frustrate, too. Blue can only exhale some of that frustration, clinging to Yzak's arm as they near the dormitories.]

If I reached out again... Would it help or worsen his state? I don't know. And I don't know...if I could survive it again.

I don't know if it would hurt or help him.

[ And I don't want you in danger like that again, he thinks after stating that. Yzak still remembers the way Blue had passed out so suddenly, when he felt something strange happening to Newton nearby.

But he can also guess that Blue feels similarly to him - he wants to help Newton if he can. Even despite the dangers. Because he's important to him. ]

Don't try it again, until we come together and figure out what can possibly be done. Once we do that, you should consider your options, because perhaps if you're not trying alone, a way to help him can be uncovered without any ill effects on you.

[Blue just breathes out a soft sound of acknowledgement as they draw near Yzak's quarters, letting himself be guided to sitting down on the edge of the bed. it frees Yzak up to look about for supplies for first aid - something Blue will remind him to do should he look like he's instead a bout to just get comfortable in conversation or just focus on Blue.

while holding his hands out for the supplies:] I won't. Try alone, that is. There are still...to many unknowns. Too many hidden prices to pay.

[ He might have been about to focus on Blue, because how could he not? So the reminder kicks his ass into gear and he goes to grab the few things that he needs.

He does pause to get a little more comfortable himself, stopping by his drawer and gingerly removing the lapel pin that Blue got for him, setting it down safe and sound and then undoing the front of his overcoat. ]

Here. [ He hands Blue the supplies, grateful. Grateful that he's careful in his determination. ]

We're bound to figure something out eventually. And doing as much together will ensure that we have the right amount of support.

If there's anything I can do to help him, too... I will.

[ And then Yzak makes a face, looking a little awkward. ] I owe it to him. If it's not really him. Back on the cliffs the other day I might have ... punched him in a face a bit.

[that revelation gets a troubled expression out of Blue, naturally, but he doesn't vocalize his alarm. instead he holds back on that, filing it away as another thing to ruminate on later.]

...Show me your injuries. [skin, now.]

... I didn't punch him hard! [ He feels a TOUCH guilty about it now... if it wasn't actually Newton after all. ] And even if I had, I didn't have my full strength anyway!

[ It soothes those hurt feelings of his a little, though. You're exhausting to be around. Telling him he never liked him, he was always just up his own ass (truths enough at one point in Yzak's life that he had to wonder if hearing as much from someone he considered a friend cause him to wonder if he hadn't changed so much at all), to fuck off. It those weren't Newton's actual feelings after all...

Then thank goodness, because that would mean he wasn't being pushed away, abandoned again by someone important to him. ]

Okay, okay...!

[ Yzak seems more upset at the fact that some of his new clothes have gotten torn, dirtied, and a little bloodied in some places than he is that he got scratched up in the first place. But at least that's a sign that he's okay.

He peels off the overcoat first, tossing it on the edge of the bed and then looking down to see what else he's got going on. ]

[Blue waits for him to sit down before reaching for his arm, rolling up his sleeve and looking for what cuts or scrapes might be there. he tenderly wipes away the grime of sweat before disinfecting flecks of red he finds.]

We didn't lose anyone...did we? I couldn't feel it. [whether or not someone perished.]

No. [ At least, nothing that Yzak had seen, there's been nothing said over the network. If something that bad had happened, they'd know for sure. ] But many of the others got a hell of a lot more hurt than I did.

And by now they're probably all being tended to. [ A beat and a scowl. ] Assuming none of them aren't pulling that lying about it shit!

[ There are a few little bleeding cuts on his face and neck, one of his arms - the one Blue is checking out right now. Most of the other rips and injuries are on his right side, as if he'd braced specifically so he'd still be mobile in some way had something hit him hard.

Yzak takes his own tending to well enough, a small sucking in of breath through his teeth once or twice when one of the slightly more deeper cuts stings on contact. And as Blue works... ]

And, how are you feeling? Are you okay?

[he doesn't answer immediately, just changing focus from the arm to Yzak's face. his poor, sweet, worn face...

while carefully wiping at a more egregious cut:] I'm not hurt. [not like this.] Just tired.

[...]

Not...that tired. [not yet.]

[ That worn face at least doesn't look sullen. In fact it looks rather calm when Blue says that. ] I see. I'm relieved. [ And he's not that tired ... and chooses to use what's probably slowly waning of that energy to help Yzak like this. His free arm comes up to brush his bangs out his face. ]

And ... I appreciate it. This.

[ And then as if touching that soft hair of his reminds him... ]

I've got to get used to you looking like you usually do again.

[his mouth curves up a little.]

You fell out of familiarity so fast? That doesn't seem like the Coordinator I know...

[ smh teasing an injured man!!!! (barely injured) ]

I-I just mean! When I went to look to you before, I was still expecting... [ Waves a hand!! ]

As if I'd ever fall out of familiarity with you!

[gently:] I'm only teasing you a little. I know you wouldn't forget. [he finishes wiping the blood away, applying that stinging disinfectant...

so he leans forward and gently kisses at the wounds.] It never feels entirely fair, does it? Like we have to...steal moments amidst all of the strife. Even with the mission over, that feeling still lingers...

[ He lets out a puffy, self assured little huff as Blue finishes. As ever, there's that unhelpable feeling of being charmed by the teasing. He likes seeing Blue have fun...

Yzak's a bit taken aback when the other leans in to press his lips against one of the wounds, flushing. It's nice, though, a much better feeling than the stinging moments earlier. ]

... it doesn't. [ He shifts, letting out a soft exhale. ] Because one shouldn't feel as though they have to steal something that should already belong to them.

But! If that's how things here keep presenting themselves, it's good that I'm quite skilled at theft.

[Blue's hands remain on the sides of Yzak's face, so despite the fidgeting, the Mu still has easy means to peppering a bit more affection on him.

that remark about theft gets a gentle sound and a more lingering kiss on his cheek.]

Yes. You've already made that apparent.

Have I? [ A small tilt of his head when he lingers there, as one of his own hands finds its way up to rest over one of Blue's on his face. ]

Mm-hmn.

[he doesn't counter the tilt with one of his own, instead lingering in place, finding the corner of Yzak's mouth to kiss.]

Thief of my affection, you could say; you'd already taken it before I knew to offer it properly at all.

[ Of course Blue makes a comment like that when Yzak was ready to boast about his training and giant robot stealing skills. So it causes him to stammer, reddening more. ]

Y-you're one to talk! I didn't exactly notice how much you'd seized mine, either, until I ... did. [ A sudden and sharp realization that had both surprised and scared the shit out of him. He still remembers the odd apprehension of reaching that point where he'd look behind himself and be so far into this that he could no longer turn back. And now the idea of ever having thought about turning back at all is almost laughable.

The corner of his lips where Blue kisses him twitch some, and he mirrors the motion to do the same in turn to Blue. ]

... Not as though they'd be considered stolen, anymore, though, huh.

[he hums a negative sound, not keen on replying aloud when Yzak's mouth is right there. the topic is comforting, the closeness a consolation, and Blue can't help but be relieved he can feel it all properly once again. as much as he hates to admit it, he's been acclimating to the silences - to the void of thought and feeling which would surround him.

still, next to nothing is better than being fully aware - what's better that is the joy of being aware of the loving presence before him.

while tilting his head to properly kiss him:] Ours either way. I'm not worried about legality here.

[ He's Yzak. Mister takes everything seriously and thinks about things literally and logically by default. So of course he thinks about actual legality, at least for a second or two before Blue's full kiss pulls him away from that. Ours either way. Feeling like the moments are stolen or not, he's glad to have them, every one still feeling as warm and exhilarating like it's the first time he's feeling it.

Again, he wonders if he'll ever get so used to that feeling that it'll ever be any less exciting. He doesn't want to, really, not when one of the best things Yzak can feel is to be wanted like this. There's a touch of relief in that thought, because Newton's words had battered him there a bit, and whatever's happening to him... maybe that means those words weren't so true from him after all.

The kiss Yzak returns is a little needier as a result of those thoughts. Needier and familiar as Blue's lips feel fuller now that he's back to his usual self, so it feels a bit like coming home. ]

Does it feel better now? This distance.

[ It feels that way, Blue seems a lot less overwhelmed now compared to when they returned. But he asks all the same, because he can't inherently feel as much himself. ]

[Blue lingers on his mouth for a moment before withdrawing, his attention moving to scrapes on Yzak's neck; he still needs to disinfect those.

as he does so:] It's better. The alarm...and the strong feelings...they're still permeating the ship, but I'm reacclimating.

[ Clearing his throat when he pulls away, Yzak leans back, undoing a couple of the top buttons of his shirt to give Blue easier access to work. ]

Unsurprising.

[ He lets out a little sigh. ]

By the time we're done here with this, things should at least begun to have settled a bit.

And then we can check in with the others and see how they're doing. [ They didn't lose anybody, but... ] Since that was such a shitshow.

Give them time.

[he trades out the cleaning cloth for a swab of disinfectant.]

Those needing greater care...will be cared for, and keeping out of the way of the medics will do more than our lingering in doorways.

[ You know he's impatient and hates sitting around, Blue!! And that apprehension about Newton is still bubbling beneath the surface of that.

So he grumbles lowly in his throat. ] I'll give them some time. Ow-!

[ He fails to suppress a small wince at one of the slightly more nastier cuts feeling that. ]

My apologies. [it's not really his fault, but he's sorry to cause it anyway. after the flinch, he presses his bare hand over the wound, his expression wincing a bit.]

You'll see them soon, I think... To get something to soothe the pains of these wounds.

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