Sam takes it. Doesn't bother to dodge the blow, lets it strike him and bears it. Panther claws ripping at all the wounds that will never quite heal. It's fine. He's fine. He's always known people on all sides of his fight would have hate and resentment for him.
They will never let a black man be Captain America. If they did, no self-respecting black man would ever want to.
Riley burns and falls, but it's Rhodey, it's his Dad, his Ma, his titi, his brother in law, it's Steve, it's Natasha, it's Karli. It's jokes about Icarus that Sam bears with a grin and never finds funny, because he's not falling, he's soaring high and dripping red onto his losses below. Grief has carved trenches in his chest, and he fills them with love that is never returned.
Sam tries to hold on to the look in Bucky's eyes, and the way AJ touched the shield and looked up at him like what Sam was doing was important, like they believed in his choices. They slip away like water through his fingers, and what remains is Walker, Zemo, Karli, Erik, the faceless masses, the sneering senators. The shield passing to good soldier, blonde and blue eyed, who puts blood on it. ]
Man, I don't fucking know you, and you think I should lead with what brought me here? You think I was gonna dump my shit on you unprompted just because you don't like me? That I was gonna share what I wanna fix, just 'cause you don't approve of me, or my friends, or my goddamn suit, without having you ask me for it? So that's it, then - you just wanna know what I regret enough to come here? What, do you think I'm here to fix dying, save the family business, bring back my dead friends, prevent a government approved Cap from putting blood on the shield? Nah. So you're ashamed of me - get in fucking line, man. So's half the country, black and white, so am--.
[ He stops himself, nostrils flaring. His fingers feel numb. His goggles bring up his vitals, briefly. He's fine. He's not falling to ash and dust in Wakanda, alone and unseen. ]
It ain't even about me, man. It's... she was only 19.
[ A child. His dreams are haunted by the feeling of a child growing cold in his arms. Sam's made for the rescue, yet he can't save a damn soul when it counts. ]
Half the population was dead for five years. We got a global crisis on our hands, threats of mass deportations for people who'd lived more freely for five years, and are now getting pushed back from better lives, wasting away in refugee camps. And I know you're smart enough to know who's getting hit hardest by this, where they're from and what they look like. Karli was fighting for them. Shit escalated, her movement goes from freedom fightin' to getting people killed, and they get labelled terrorists. She's right, though. Shit, I agree with her entire cause. But... [ He shakes his head. ] As I said, shit escalates. End of the day, she wants to stop the vote on deportation by trying to kill the senators. End of the day, everyone lives but her.
[ Sam presses his lips together. ]
'cause end of the day I failed that kid, too. And I don't gotta death wish, but she deserved to find out if she wanted to pull the trigger on me or take my hand, 'cause I sure as shit wasn't gonna fight her when she was right, when she shouldn't have been beyond saving or sympathy or anyone else but Bucky and me tryna reach her and pull her back from that ledge, not 'cause she was wrong, but 'cause she shouldn't have had to die. She didn't deserve to get shot, she didn't deserve to die crying in my arms. She sure as shit didn't deserve to be cold on a stretcher while I'm the one telling the senators to goddamn help the people begging them to do better. She didn't deserve that Bucky and I were the only damn people who even tried to understand why she was doing what she was doing, and found her to be right instead of dismissing her as a terrorist. She didn't deserve having no backing from people like me until it was too late. Cameras shoulda been on her, not me. And she shoulda gotten the chance to give those politicians a piece of her mind and be the one to get them to commit to doing better - not me.
[ A slow breath. ]
So you can snap at me all you want, man. Be an asshole, gimme your resentment, gimme your judgment. I ain't here to impress you or anyone else, because it ain't about me. I ain't here to be a hero, or to be celebrated, or to save myself. I just want Karli to live to see that the vote doesn't pass, that the displaced aren't getting deported and there's pushes for rehousing programs. She deserves to see her movement carry forwards. And if she doesn't shoot me, she deserves to keep calling me a disappointment, too. I'll still keep putting this damn shield where it belongs - between those in power and everyone they wanna step on, and I do not care if you or anyone else likes that I'm doing it.
[ Sam makes a gesture, half impatience, half trying to shake the feeling back into his fingertips. ]
Go ahead. I'm sure you got a couple more potshots in you.
no subject
Sam takes it. Doesn't bother to dodge the blow, lets it strike him and bears it. Panther claws ripping at all the wounds that will never quite heal. It's fine. He's fine. He's always known people on all sides of his fight would have hate and resentment for him.
They will never let a black man be Captain America. If they did, no self-respecting black man would ever want to.
Riley burns and falls, but it's Rhodey, it's his Dad, his Ma, his titi, his brother in law, it's Steve, it's Natasha, it's Karli. It's jokes about Icarus that Sam bears with a grin and never finds funny, because he's not falling, he's soaring high and dripping red onto his losses below. Grief has carved trenches in his chest, and he fills them with love that is never returned.
Sam tries to hold on to the look in Bucky's eyes, and the way AJ touched the shield and looked up at him like what Sam was doing was important, like they believed in his choices. They slip away like water through his fingers, and what remains is Walker, Zemo, Karli, Erik, the faceless masses, the sneering senators. The shield passing to good soldier, blonde and blue eyed, who puts blood on it. ]
Man, I don't fucking know you, and you think I should lead with what brought me here? You think I was gonna dump my shit on you unprompted just because you don't like me? That I was gonna share what I wanna fix, just 'cause you don't approve of me, or my friends, or my goddamn suit, without having you ask me for it? So that's it, then - you just wanna know what I regret enough to come here? What, do you think I'm here to fix dying, save the family business, bring back my dead friends, prevent a government approved Cap from putting blood on the shield? Nah. So you're ashamed of me - get in fucking line, man. So's half the country, black and white, so am--.
[ He stops himself, nostrils flaring. His fingers feel numb. His goggles bring up his vitals, briefly. He's fine. He's not falling to ash and dust in Wakanda, alone and unseen. ]
It ain't even about me, man. It's... she was only 19.
[ A child. His dreams are haunted by the feeling of a child growing cold in his arms. Sam's made for the rescue, yet he can't save a damn soul when it counts. ]
Half the population was dead for five years. We got a global crisis on our hands, threats of mass deportations for people who'd lived more freely for five years, and are now getting pushed back from better lives, wasting away in refugee camps. And I know you're smart enough to know who's getting hit hardest by this, where they're from and what they look like. Karli was fighting for them. Shit escalated, her movement goes from freedom fightin' to getting people killed, and they get labelled terrorists. She's right, though. Shit, I agree with her entire cause. But... [ He shakes his head. ] As I said, shit escalates. End of the day, she wants to stop the vote on deportation by trying to kill the senators. End of the day, everyone lives but her.
[ Sam presses his lips together. ]
'cause end of the day I failed that kid, too. And I don't gotta death wish, but she deserved to find out if she wanted to pull the trigger on me or take my hand, 'cause I sure as shit wasn't gonna fight her when she was right, when she shouldn't have been beyond saving or sympathy or anyone else but Bucky and me tryna reach her and pull her back from that ledge, not 'cause she was wrong, but 'cause she shouldn't have had to die. She didn't deserve to get shot, she didn't deserve to die crying in my arms. She sure as shit didn't deserve to be cold on a stretcher while I'm the one telling the senators to goddamn help the people begging them to do better. She didn't deserve that Bucky and I were the only damn people who even tried to understand why she was doing what she was doing, and found her to be right instead of dismissing her as a terrorist. She didn't deserve having no backing from people like me until it was too late. Cameras shoulda been on her, not me. And she shoulda gotten the chance to give those politicians a piece of her mind and be the one to get them to commit to doing better - not me.
[ A slow breath. ]
So you can snap at me all you want, man. Be an asshole, gimme your resentment, gimme your judgment. I ain't here to impress you or anyone else, because it ain't about me. I ain't here to be a hero, or to be celebrated, or to save myself. I just want Karli to live to see that the vote doesn't pass, that the displaced aren't getting deported and there's pushes for rehousing programs. She deserves to see her movement carry forwards. And if she doesn't shoot me, she deserves to keep calling me a disappointment, too. I'll still keep putting this damn shield where it belongs - between those in power and everyone they wanna step on, and I do not care if you or anyone else likes that I'm doing it.
[ Sam makes a gesture, half impatience, half trying to shake the feeling back into his fingertips. ]
Go ahead. I'm sure you got a couple more potshots in you.