[xichen is not guiltless in it all, he knows. he had stood at meng yao's side, had seen reason in many of the actions he'd taken and lifted him up.
he knows that he is not as responsible as meng yao. his eyes had been veiled to most of it, to the worst of it, but he had also willingly chosen to see the best. the blood of innocents is still on his hands, that he cannot erase.
he nods.] The man I thought I knew--- the worst of it, is I knew he was capable of many things but not that. Not-- I thought I could temper what I thought was worst of it. [his own voice is unsteady, a hint of anger seeps into his words. and maybe he is letting himself grieve just a little in this moment, letting the words tumble out where normally he'd temper himself.
at home, he would not be able to speak so freely like this. the gentry clans would not be so forgiving of lan xichen, without who jin guangyao would not be sitting on the chief cultivator's throne.] I had helped him grieve after Rusong's death, a-as he had helped me after our sworn brother's passing.
[he swallows, trying to hold back the crushing wave of grief that threatens to overtake him fully. jiang yanli had seen him break once, he doesn't want another to witness that again. it's pride that has him trying to collect himself and so he nods his head, takes a deep breath through his nose.] I-I hope so. I want to go back and stop it all. Quench my pride, stop holding on so desperately...
I was so desperate to not be alone... [the sigh that leaves him a soft, filled with remorse and lost.] But in the end, it lead to exactly what I was avoiding and the damage, the cost for years of obliviousness, feels beyond atonement. [and that is partly why this all hits so close, why ford reminds him so much of himself.]
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he knows that he is not as responsible as meng yao. his eyes had been veiled to most of it, to the worst of it, but he had also willingly chosen to see the best. the blood of innocents is still on his hands, that he cannot erase.
he nods.] The man I thought I knew--- the worst of it, is I knew he was capable of many things but not that. Not-- I thought I could temper what I thought was worst of it. [his own voice is unsteady, a hint of anger seeps into his words. and maybe he is letting himself grieve just a little in this moment, letting the words tumble out where normally he'd temper himself.
at home, he would not be able to speak so freely like this. the gentry clans would not be so forgiving of lan xichen, without who jin guangyao would not be sitting on the chief cultivator's throne.] I had helped him grieve after Rusong's death, a-as he had helped me after our sworn brother's passing.
[he swallows, trying to hold back the crushing wave of grief that threatens to overtake him fully. jiang yanli had seen him break once, he doesn't want another to witness that again. it's pride that has him trying to collect himself and so he nods his head, takes a deep breath through his nose.] I-I hope so. I want to go back and stop it all. Quench my pride, stop holding on so desperately...
I was so desperate to not be alone... [the sigh that leaves him a soft, filled with remorse and lost.] But in the end, it lead to exactly what I was avoiding and the damage, the cost for years of obliviousness, feels beyond atonement. [and that is partly why this all hits so close, why ford reminds him so much of himself.]